Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Bad day today...

Having a bad day today. Christmas got me a bit depressed this year. Ever since I had my kids I've loved Christmas and have always been very excited about it! This year just seemed different. I wasn't as excited as normal. Then the closer it got I started to remember LAST Christmas and how happy I was. Things seemed to be going wonderfully for my husband and I.. almost perfect in my eyes. This year it's just the complete opposite. I enjoyed watching my kids' faces with their gifts but that is about the only thing I enjoyed.

Then today we had an appointment with our Marriage Therapist. I always feel drained after one of our sessions but today was just the worst. I feel like I'm being attacked and blamed for everything.. even by the therapist! I know that my problems are SOME of OUR problems, but not all of them! I'm being told that my depression is part of the problem. Now I'm being told that I'm too controlling and that is part of the problem. I mean, so far, it's all been MY problems and what I am doing wrong and NOTHING about my husband! Like he just sits back like he's soo f'n innocent. Now I'm just feeling like the most horrible person on the planet. I feel like I'm the one being blamed for all of our marriage problems. I've always thought of myself as being ugly on the outside but beautiful on the inside.. now I feel like I'm ugly on the outside AND Inside.. and feel like Im just.. unlovable. Am I really that terrible?? I feel like it. I feel like I just want to crawl under a rock and die right now.

The Prozac HAS been helping though. Before all of this happened I was just feeling calm and content on it. I noticed that I wasn't getting upset as easily over things. I wasn't crying all of the time... I've had no side effects from it at all. I'm very happy about how much it is helping.. but it's things like this.. I guess it is called circumstantial depression that no medication can help. I mean, for what I'm going through right now I don't think that anyone would NOT feel depressed.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Interested in Online Schools??

As some of you may know, over the past summer I enrolled in an online school to obtain my Associate's Degree to be a Veterinary Technician. At the ripe old age of ?? (left out purposely, lol) I decided that it was time for me to take some control over my life and my financial situation. I want to do something important with my life! Going to college was something I had talked about doing for quite awhile. I knew it would be difficult for me to do because it would be hard for me to have a babysitter for the kids and to drive so far so often to go to school. I started researching online schools and it really got me excited!

I'm sure a lot of you are like me and wonder how exactly an online school works? Well, I can tell you how Penn Foster works. First of all, I want to mention the tuition. Tuition for online schools is quite a bit less than a typical brick and mortor school. Penn Foster has monthly payment options that you can choose to do if you can't afford all of it upfront. You just have to have it paid off before they will issue you your degree.

You have one year to finish one semester. So far, the first semester of my course includes Physical Exam., Restraint, Behavior, Computers, Biology, Medical Math and a few others. They send you one subject at a time. You have as much time as you want to read through the books and take the exam. You do the exam online and as long as you pass they will then ship out your next subject!

They have online classes which is basically like a chatroom where the professor types out what he would say in a typical class lecture. They also show slides on the screen to go along with the lecture. You have a chance to ask the professor questions and he/she will answer it!

They have forums where you can discuss things with other students taking the same courses. You can ask about school work or trade class notes... etc. You have to spend a lot of time on the forums and they consider that to be "class participation".

At the end of the semester you will take your Proctor Exams. I've not taken these yet but have heard that they are essay questions, all exams have to be done in the presence of a "proctor" and the exams can take up to 6 hours to complete (in one day!). The Vet. course classes are taken closed book while the non Vet. classes are open book.

After your second and fourth semester you are required to do a "Practicum" which is working in a vet's office being taught certain procedures and practices for so many hours.

I really like the fact that I can do my work when I have time! With 3 young kids and working it's hard to be able to squeeze in quiet time for me to study! I don't have to worry about having a deadline I can just do it when I can. The payments are low and is something I can afford right NOW. I know they will have to be paid off before I can get my degree but I have a long time to plan and save ahead for that!

I think online schools are a great option for someone like me who has a very busy schedule to follow. I'm glad that I took the first step to change my life!

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Positive Thinking??

I've been on Prozac for about 3 weeks now. I'm on 20 mgs now. It is kind of hard for me to tell how much of a difference it is making just because I have been sick for the past 2 1/2 weeks! Cold, cough, sore throat, stuffy, runny nose! I am on an antibiotic and was feeling better but now the last few days I've been having a stuffy runny nose again however I'm starting to think it's just sinus problems this time. Still makes me feel like poop though! Grrrrr.. After 2 1/2 weeks I'm tired of feeling like crap every day!

I have not noticed any bad side effects at all. I have noticed that I'm not AS emotional as I normally am. I've actually not cried in quite awhile! Even when watching something sad on TV I'm not fighting back tears like I normally would. I hope that's a good sign then?.. I've also noticed that some of the little things don't bother me as much.. I can kind of just blow them off and forget about them. BUT, that could also be because I feel like crap and don't care???

We had a marriage counseling session yesterday and I actually learned a lot. The therapist is trying to teach me how to think differently to help control my emotions. He explained it like this: if you are out somewhere and someone bumps into you without saying excuse me or apologizing how do you react? Do you get mad and say, "hey asshole what's your problem??".. most people would.. I would, lol! You can stop negative thoughts with positive thoughts.. or by saying to yourself, "they must have had a bad day" or "it's not my fault they are in a bad mood".. and just move on! When dealing with other people it helps to remember that you can not control other people's emotions.. if someone is angry or upset it is not YOUR fault. The hard part is actually changing your way of thinking. After years and years of thinking a certain way it's hard to retrain your brain to think positively! .. But I'm working on it.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Prozac Nation

Soo.. I went to the doctor last week to get on something for my depression. I was a bit surprised when he prescribed me Prozac! I came home and researched it as I didn't know a lot about it. With medications that alter the chemicals in your brain everyone can have a different reaction. I've read both good and bad reviews of Prozac. The bad includes horrible vivid nightmares (almost like night terrors), dizziness, worse anxiety than before, debilitating migraines, insomnia.. etc. However, I also read others say that Prozac has improved their life substantially! I guess it will just be a waiting game to see how my brain reacts to it. I'm trying to stay positive but ofcourse I still remember those bad side effects in the back of my mind! I'm only taking the lowest dosage right now. With these kinds of medications they have to build up the strength slowly. I take 10 mgs for the first week, then 20 the second week. Tomorrow I will start with the 20 mgs. So FAR I've not noticed any bad effects from it, but it's only the beginning! I figured this blog would be a great place for me to talk about my experience with Prozac as it has gotten a bad reputation over the years!.. I have read that Prozac is also used in treating binge eating (which I would love some help with). I've read one person say they lost 40 lbs in like 6 weeks from it.. while I've read someone else say that they gained weight on it!.. It also is used to treat social anxiety which I think I have a mild case of. I always thought that I was just super shy and insecure around people but after reading up on it some of the symptoms sound just like me!

My husband does not understand Depression at all. Even after the therapist told me that I needed to be on something, I told my husband that I needed him to help me through this and to be there for me.. But he has not many any attempt to try to understand it. He says he doesn't know how to help me.. but I told him that he could go online and read up about it to try to help him understand.. or he could just sit down with ME and I could tell him exactly how I feel inside with the depression and how it MAKES me feel. .. But he makes no attempt at all to support me through this. He thinks I should just be able to turn it off and think positively about everything. I guess maybe that's what the Therapist can help us out with. Help HIM to be more understanding. I know that my depression has caused a lot of our problems. I'm not saying ALL of them, but a lot of them..

Speaking of Marriage Counseling.. we were supposed to have another meeting with him today but all 3 kids are sick. My oldest has Bronchitis and an ear infection.. and now the twins are getting it. They couldnt go to school today and we had no one to watch them so we had to reschedule for next week. Guess it's for the better because now I am sick, too! YAY! Throat hurting so badly that it hurts to swallow or talk, stuffed up nose and head.. throbbing head, fever. Ooh yes I feel like POOP!.. All I want to do is sleep but I have to work as it is the last week of the month AND I have to look after 3 sick whiney kids on top of it! Ooh it's so much fun being sick when you have kids!! I miss being able to just sleep all day when I'm sick!

Oh and one more thing.. Im going to update my links soon, so if are interested in trading links just leave me a comment! As long as your blog has something to do with health, mental health, weight loss..well really anything that I talk about here then I would love to trade links with you!!

Friday, November 14, 2008

The Great Depression (NOT the economy!)

So my husband and I started marriage counseling a few days ago. The therapist believes that I need to be back on an Anti-Depressant (which I agree with). I was on one back in 2006 but weened myself off of it after we moved. I've always known that I needed to get back on it but never took the time to take care of MYSELF and get to the doctor!!

I've always struggled with depression problems. Even as a teenager I remember always feeling low.. feeling lonely and isolated, almost.. but thought it was just typical teenage years. As an adult I struggled with it as well but never realized how much it affected me until the last few years. With everything I have gone through over the past through years I also think it has gotten a lot worse! I have my good days and bad days. Some days I feel happy and alright.. then I can wake up the next day feeling very down, alone and hating myself. I can also be very moody. I know it, I can admit it. It's not just PMS.. it's ME! I can be nice one moment and then BAM! ready to bite someone's head off the next. I'm also overly emotional. I cry at the drop of a hat. My mother was that way so I just assumed I got it from her.. but I think it is worse than hers! Sometimes I just can't stop crying either.. I can't calm myself down! I don't want to be that way. It's not something that I can control. It can be hard for some people to understand though. It's not a visible injury or disability, it's inside of my head.. if people can't see it, they sometimes can't understand it! My husband is very insensitive to it. He is not even trying to understand it.. he thinks I should just be happy! That easy!

When my husband and I first split up in 2006 it got worse. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep.. could barely get out of bed to take care of the kids.. I cried all of the time! I finally got myself into therapy to get help. What a JOKE that therapist was!! All she did was sit there and say, "what would you like to talk about today?" .. so I would tell her this and that and she would say, "ok what else would you like to talk about?" She did nothing to HELP me. She got paid $130 an hour just to sit there and listen! I have friends that will listen, I dont need to pay someone to do it! She sent me to a Psychiatrist to get put on an Anti-Depressant (Cymbalta)... HATED the Psychiatrist.. she was soo stuffy, NO personality, she didn't smile, didn't laugh.. i think SHE needed to be on meds, LOL!

Soo.. that is where I am at right now.. waiting to get into the doctor next Wednesday to get me on some meds.. I'm not too proud to accept chemical help. Obviously I can't fix this on my own. I know there are some people who refuse to take meds.. but sometimes there is a chemical imbalance in your brain and you NEED the help! If they find the right meds it can make a world of difference!

If you think you are experiencing problems with depression, go to this website and take the test! DEPRESSION SCREENING TEST

Friday, November 7, 2008

Where we are headed...

I mentioned awhile back that I wanted this blog to take a new direction. It was originally based around pure weightloss strategies. I want it to be something more than that!! To be honest, life has been so hectic that I've not concentrated much on weight loss, even though I know I should! Between the kids, work, school and housework I am just drained every day, mentally and physically... When the weather was nice my family and I took a lot of walks down by the river, even a few hikes which I always enjoyed and felt so good afterwards! Now that fall is upon us and winter is slowly approaching, the days are getting colder and the evenings get darker sooner.. If it were just my husband and I then I wouldn't mind going out in the cold for a little exercise, but it's difficult with three young children and freezing temperatures! I'm thinking of doing some yoga at home while the kids are in school half days. We will see how that goes..

I've been through a lot over the past few years. I have been through a lot of struggles. I have realized that I am much stronger than I ever thought I was! I've matured a lot.. I've grown mentally. There are still some things about myself that I would like to change and I'm trying to find ways to work on it (which may even include some therapy). I've started taking classes to be a Veterinarian Technician so that I can take a bit of control of my life and help myself and my family live better financially. Even though I'm getting a very late start with school, I guess late is better than never.

Very soon (I hope) you will see this blog looking differently. I am planning on re-doing the headlines to take out the weightloss. It will still be a journey to a new found me because that is exactly what I am doing.. trying to find the NEW me and the person that I want to be!

I have a few new ideas that I would like to try with the blog.. talking about my personal struggles and accomplishments. Would like to get some reader participation going on so will be asking a few questions for everyone to comment on in my posts. I'm also going to post some inspirational sayings, quotes, or stories.. anything that I come across! There are so many places I could take this blog.. as long as I can find the TIME.. that is my biggest obstacle right now.

I don't know how often I will be able to post in here.. I'm going to aim for once a week.. things don't always go the way they are planned, but that is what I am aiming for! I hope that the few of you who have read my blog in the past will continue to read it in the future and will be willing to participate in some of my discussions!!...

Lots to come.... xo

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Another update.. Im back, I hope!!

A lot has happened since my last post in here.. I will try to make it as short as possible!

My husband and I got back together again the end of August.. we have our first marriage counseling appointment next week (eeek).. We are going to fight to make things work and keep our family together.. We have been through too much together to just throw it all away.. and I do agree that we should not give up until we can honestly say that we have tried EVERYTHING!!....

When we got back together we moved to a tiny little town in Ohio.. a beautiful town, but tiny, lol. Our kids are all preschool age.. The main preschool here is filled up with a waiting list.. and the other one charges like $120 a month PER kid! For preschool!!! No way am I paying almost $400 a month for freakin' preschool! We got them into another preschool in another town.. about 25 minutes away.. soo now we have to drive them to school and back.. 25 miles there and back.. So that is taking some time out my day (not to mention gas out of my car) but I know they need it before Kindergarten!

I'm also still doing my texting job.. I try to work as much as I can throughout every single day to hit the bonuses that they offer. AND over the summer I enrolled in an online college! I'm studying to be a Veterinary Technician (basically a Vet Nurse) which I am VERY excited about! I chose an online school so that I could do it at my own pace.

Soo with driving the kids back and forth to school, working, doing my own school work, housework and taking care of the kids when they are not in school (since preschool is only half days).. I had pretty much given up on blogging which I was very sad about because I love writing so much!! ...

Today I went back and read through my blogs, trying to decide how to squeeze time in to write and I think I have come up with an idea! Night time is always very slow for texting.. Im usually browsing other sites while I work (it "dings" when there is a msg waiting to be answered).. soo instead of browsing other sites Im going to spend that down time blogging! YAY!!.. Im going to post THIS in all of my blogs and next week I will start blogging in each one individually!

Im also going to work on re-doing the layouts when I get a chance.. remember to feel free to contact me about trading links!!

Monday, June 30, 2008

My long hiatus...

I'm posting this in all 3 of my blogs. I first want to apologize for my long hiatus from the blogosphere. If you have read my past posts I had mentioned that my husband and I were having some problems again. Well, we separated again on May 17. Not to go into TOO much detail but I honestly think he has some attachment issues. I have done a lot of research on it and it all makes so much sense now. What happened this time is the same thing that happened in 2006. The same exact pattern except this time he is trying to get help. The separation was his decision. He wanted to have a "mutual separation" so that we both have some time to ourselves to work on ourselves and then IF/when we get back together get into marriage counseling immediately. ...

The past month and a half has been VERY hard for me. I feel like I am re-living this nightmare all over again. I have so many emotions running through my head. I've been spending most of my time either working as much as possible, spending time with my kids, researching attachment disorder and working on my OWN things that I want to change within myself. Right now I am also looking into taking some online courses for Veterinary Technician. I have no idea what the future holds for me and my family. I'm hoping for the best but preparing for the worst. Funny thing is, that's what my husband told me the first time this happened in 2006! I'm worried about having the time to work and trying to go to school both.. but I think it will help me to occupy my mind and it will make me feel better for doing something GOOD for my kids and myself to help us have a brighter future!

I haven't really been into the mood for blogging until recently. I am going to figure out some kind of schedule so that I can start blogging again on a regular basis! Just be patient with me. I have not forgotten about my blogs.. just am going through a very difficult time in my life right now! xo

Monday, June 9, 2008

Looking for a credit card??

It seems these days just about everyone has a credit card! It is so much easier to just slide a card at the store instead of having to stumble around with cash all of the time! Not to mention all of the great things you can buy online! You can get better deals and get hard to find items online but you almost always have to have a credit card to order these things!

If most of you are like me you are probably always getting advertisements and junk mail begging you to apply for a credit card! There are so many of them out there and it's hard to find the right one when you have so many things to think about!

A friend told me about this website called credit spy. They give you a listing of all sorts of different credit cards! You can find out what each card has to offer, which ones have the lowest rates, which ones have reward deals and they even help those of you out there who have bad credit or no credit get a credit card!

If you are in a hurry you can find out where to go for instant approval credit card offers so you don't have to sit and wait for days or weeks to find out if you have been approved!

So far credit-spy looks like it is the best place to go if you are looking for a good new credit card!

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Making some changes...

So, I've been having a lot of things going on in my personal life. They have been going on for awhile now. Without going into too much detail, there is a BIG question right now as to whether or not I will be staying or leaving my husband once the kids are out of school next month. It has been a very difficult past few months. Lots of emotions and lots of ups and downs. My eating has been WAY off. I might go a day or two eating hardly anything to eating a bunch the next day. To be honest, I think it has kind of evened its self out though because I don't feel like I have gained anything, in fact just last week my mother in law told me that I looked like I was losing weight! I feel somewhat odd posting in this blog when I'm just having such a hard struggle with everything in my life including my eating and health.

I've been thinking about making a few changes to this blog. It is called, "Journey To A New Found Me", right? Well, a new me can be LOTS of things, right? It doesn't have to be centered around weight loss, it can be boosting your self esteem, building more confidence and just learning to love yourself!

So..in the next few weeks (whenever I have time) I'm going to work on making a new header and changing things around a bit! Hope the FEW readers that I do have will stick around with me through these changes! It will be good, I promise!!

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Needs Some Good Looking Eye Glasses??

Unfortunately, I have been cursed with bad eye sight for most of my life! I have worn prescription eye glasses since the age of around 8 years old or so. My eye sight is very bad and when I was younger I had to wear the really thick heavy bulky glasses! They were really uncomfortable and ugly! Ofcourse now they have the more stylish thinner lenses that you can get but they are soo expensive!!

I've just come across this website called http://www.ZenniOptical.com. they have a very large list of frames to choose from! They have all kinds of styles and colors including Children's Frames, Bifocals, Half Rim Frames, Rimless Frames even tinted sunglasses!! They have a large list of "extras" that you can get as well. The prices are great and they have a flat rate charge of $4.95 for shipping!!

Just because you have poor eye sight does not mean that you can not look stylish in your prescription glasses! Thanks to $ 8 Zenni Optical Rx Eyeglasses you can get great looking glasses for an even better looking price!! Go to their website and you will be amazed at the selection they have for the prices you can get them for!!

Monday, March 31, 2008


Can't say I have been horrible, but I have not been the best..but I have been doing some kick-ass workouts! I've been trying to put all of my stress and frustration into my workouts and I can feel that it is really having an affect on my muscles! I was pleasantly surprised today when I put on a pair of jeans that used to be sort of snug and today I have to keep pulling them up because they feel like they are falling down! Yay! I have not weighed myself. Just because i know if the numbers on the scale don't go down it will affect me and I don't need any more negativity on my mind right now! I'm going through enough stress and crap right now! I truly do believe that exercise helps a lot with depression and my moods. I am in a totally better mood after having a workout session and when I don't work out I just feel..blah..and lazy!! I really wish I had someone to go to a gym with. I don't want to go by myself but it would be soo nice to have equipment I could work with!

Anyway, today is a short post..I'm just not in the writing "zone" I guess! Sometimes I feel like I am just repeating myself all of the time and that I'm not going anywhere with this! Ugh....

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Is it a disease???

The last week has been so-so, I guess. I was doing good up until a week ago. Out of nowhere I just felt like i was starving and was craving EVERYTHING bad!!! Then the whole weekend kind of went downhill from there. I even stopped working out for a few days. I was really starting to feel badly about myself and am trying to pull myself back up! It's just so hard with everything going on. I know lots of people say that they have a hard time finding the time to work out..but seriously..I REALLY do. My day is constantly doing something whether it's cleaning, grocery shopping, making meals, getting the kids off to school, working.. We need the money so I try to squeeze in working whenever I possibly can..every minute counts!! I swear to you on a normal day I only have ONE hour a day in the evening to just SIT and relax!! and then I have to try to squeeze in a workout in there, too..it's not easy at all!!..but I'm trying to do as much as I can because i realize that working out really puts me in a better mood and mindset. I just have sooo much stress going on in my life right now. I'm stressing with everything in life. My husband works all the time and I don't know anyone here so I am basically stuck at home with 3 kids 24/7. No matter how much a person loves their kids, everyone NEEDS A BREAK!! I need "me" time but I have no way of getting it! My kids are at that age where they are constantly arguing or whining or crying about SOMETHING..and being around that 24 hours a day would make anyone CRACK!! My husband doesn't seem to really CARE. He COULD get off work early once in awhile so we can go out and do something fun to get out of the house..but he doesn't.. We are still having a lot of problems in our relationship, too. In fact, we have an appointment set up with a marriage counselor but our first appointment isn't for another THREE weeks (on my birthday, too! ugh). The stresses of everything, money, the kids, work..I think it has taken a big toll on our relationship and it is just causing more problems. Sometimes I feel like I just can't handle everything and this is not the life that I want for myself! I feel like a hermit trapped in my own house!..like a caged animal!! My kids are in preschool and only go twice a week for 4 hours..and what do I do while they are there? Work!!...

Anyway, my biggest struggle is eating. I've been doing a lot of thinking and I really think I have Compulsive Overeating Disorder. I did some research online and everything it says is ME. It's like I just get completely out of control and I will eat until my stomach feels like it's going to explode! Even to the point of getting SICK!..While I am getting sick I'm yelling at myself saying that it's all my fault but then the next day I will just do it again!! From what I looked up online it says basically the most proven way to change your behavior is therapy! I was already thinking about getting myself back into counseling. I was in counseling before for my depression and low self esteem..but I didn't feel like the counselor was doing anything! She would just sit there and listen..but then would do NOTHING..as soon as I would finish talking she would say, "what else do you want to talk about?" and that was it! I have enough friends that will listen, I dont need to juggle my schedule around just to have some stranger listen! ..so I quit. I was on an anti-depressant before I moved and I thought it really helped but once we moved over here I thought it would be too difficult to be able to get into counseling or a doctor because we don't have anyone to watch the kids so I weaned myself off of them. Now that my husband is on second shift it makes it a bit easier to go to appointments like that..so I am really thinking about trying it again with someone different and getting back on some medications. I know I have a problem with eating and I have good days when I can control it and other days when I can't. One day I will be all gung ho and ready to go, "i can do this, i can do this!" and them BAM! the very next day I will just have lost it all completely!! I've been fat for most of my life and have overeaten since I was a child and I'm realizing it's not something that I can just change on my own. I need help. I don't want to be miserable for the rest of my life. I'm about to be 31 years old and feel like I have wasted all of my younger years eating and hating myself. I'm ready to change and I am ready to be a HAPPY person! FAT or not!!

Sunday, March 9, 2008

A GOOD post for once!!

Well, not completely good, but for the most part, GOOD! The problems in my personal life have not improved at all..if anything they have only gotten WORSE! BUT, I'm not letting that hold me back now! I am working on ME and not letting anyone else bring me down! I've done very good this past week! I've eaten healthy and worked out (except for this weekend as we have been very busy). Actually, I think I can count yesterday as a work out. We had some blizzard like conditions in Ohio. We were going to my mothers house to get a few things from her. She lives out in the country and has a really long driveway (it's a 1/4 of a mile long)..well, the driveway didn't look TOO bad so we decided to try heading down it and as soon as we turned in the driveway we got STUCK!..Thankfully a couple of guys pulled over and helped my husband push us out but I walked almost all the way down the driveway to meet my mother to get the things we were there for. It was BITTER cold and windy so I was walking very fast, as fast as I could to get there and back. It makes it even more difficult when you are trying to walk through piles of snow as well! By the time I got back to the car I felt like I was going to have a heart attack. I couldn't breathe and my chest hurt..but it was a damn good workout, none the less..and I didn't have a heart attack! lol

Also, I am about to order THIS DVD:

I am just in love with Jillian Michaels (well not really IN LOVE) but I just love her soo much! She is so passionate about what she does and so compassionate at the same time! There is something about her that I just really like. If I wont the lottery I would try to bribe her into training me atleast for a few weeks..I would be happy with just a few days, lol!..I'm excited about trying out this DVD..I love cardio and it will be nice to have something new to do!!

I did weigh myself on Friday morning. I HAVE gained some weight back BUT not as much as I expected so that put a smile on my face! I will keep everyone updated and will post here as much as possible!!

Sunday, March 2, 2008

Some inspiration!

As I stated in another post, I have been having a lot of things going on in my personal life. They have really been bringing me down and distracting me from what I was doing. After a lot of long hard thinking lastnight I decided that instead of trying to please everyone else and instead of letting other people bring me down I am going to start working on MYSELF again..mentally AND physically!! That means taking care of myself, eating better and getting active again. I have LOTS of fun things coming up this month and next month and I want to feel better about myself by then! I am ready to start over once again..maybe this time it will last!!

And for some MAJOR inspiration! I want everyone to go check this out! This is just truly amazing! This is a slide show for a 21 year old girl that lost A LOT of weight! Her highest weight was 378 and now she looks like a model! It's amazing! You can tell that it is really her in the face and this is also her myspace page so it's easy to see that it's not just some photo shopped crap! I have no idea how she did it, if she did it on her own or had weight loss surgery. I'm assuming she had some kind of surgery to help with the extra skin but I COULD be wrong because she is very young and her skin is able to snap back easier then older people! I saw this and it just made my jaw drop to the floor! If ANYONE needs some inspiration, go look at this!! It can be you and it can be me! One day!..Also, i am thinking about contacting her and possibly doing a little article on her and find out how she lost all of the weight. Who would be interested in reading that??? Leave me a comment and let me know!!

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Help! I can't stop eating!

I'm struggling here! I'm starting to think that this blog has become a big waste of my time! I just haven't been into it much. Just so many other million trillion things going on in my life right now. I keep thinking every day that tomorrow I am going to do better. Tomorrow comes and I'm freakin' hungry! I just haven't been able to stop myself or control it. I have to do something to get things back under control. I may not be able to control everything in my life but damn it, I should be able to control what I put in my mouth! I am going to do a lot of soul searching and a lot of self talking to get myself back into gear. I just bought some new clothes for the upcoming summer (thanks to income tax return woohoo!) and I want to look good in them not like some fat lump TRYING to look cute but not doing a very good job at it! lol... I think I have gained back everything I lost and I'm so angry at myself! Why is eating soo freaking hard to control? Everyone struggles with it. I was doing so good with it last year and then I just lost it! It all started when I was getting sick all of the time. I sill have a bad sinus infection that has been making me feel like poop lately but I don't feel miserably sick. Just kinda crappy. The weather is getting everyone depressed and put into a bad mood. This winter just seems to be lasting FOREVER this year.. The last few winters have been pretty mild, this year has been horrible! It's snowing all the time and it's always freezing cold. We can't get out and do anything outdoors because it's too freakin' cold. We only go out when we have to. I am sooooo ready for spring to get here. I have a lot of things coming up a in a few months that I want to look good for, I just have to get back into that mindset again and remember the reasons that I need to lose weight! I need some kind of inspiration or words of advice! Anyone??....Please????

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Want to make some money?

If you have a blog I have found a great new way to make some extra money! I stumbled across smorty.com. They pay you to review websites and give your honest opinion on your blog! I have just signed up for it so if anyone wants to venture smorty.

There are lots of paid to post companies but I have heard wonderful things about this one! They have lots of advertisers that are willing to pay you to post about their business or website on your blog! I love to write and this get paid to blog site is a great one to start off with!

If you have a business or website of your own you can also join up and pay bloggers to post about you! It's a great and cheap way to get more visits to your site and get the word around about what you are doing! advertise on blogs is a great idea!!

Come on and try it! It can't hurt anything! It's easy and you make extra cash along the way!

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

self promotion time!

I haven't mentioned my cafepress store in awhile! I haven't updated it in some time but still have a lot of great items there! Be sure to check out Daft Creations! I designed everything in the store myself! We have all sorts of shirts including sarcastic/funny, shirts for expecting parents, babies/kids, political, goth/metal heads and more! I also have a photography section (it needs updated but there are still some awesome items in that section!). Here are a few examples!

Go check the store out! Daft Creations ....

Sunday, February 3, 2008

Here we go again....

Here we go again. Been awhile again since my last post in here. I just haven't been in the right frame of mind to post in any of my blogs..or do too much of anything lately. I'm having some problems in my personal life again. My husband and I are having problems again. I've mentioned in here a few times that we separated in 2006 and got back together at the end of April 2007. Things are starting to happen all over again and I am..basically..flippin' the F out! I am scared to death about what is going to happen to us. I don't want my marriage to be over. I don't know what is going on with my husband again but he is not acting himself again, just like before. I've sunk back down into my depression. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I am barely able to do much of anything apart from making myself work every day for money. I am freaking out because I can't go through this again! I love him so much and this pain is killing me! Just be patient with me and keep your fingers crossed that things will work themselves out and I can be back to posting in here every week!

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Is there a doctor in the house?

Im trying to type this while I work. We will see how good this goes, lol.

I'm getting really sick and tired of saying this. But guess what? I am sick AGAIN! I am ready to punch something! i can't believe that i am sick this often! I've never been like this before! All of my kids have had it over the past week and we are all still trying to get over it. I'm sure it's probably a bug that my 4 year old picked up at preschool or something. The doctor said that kids their age have an average of 8 colds a year! EIGHT! However, his teacher also told me that this year has been really bad with all of the kids. So I don't know if it's just a bad year or if it is because my son is in school and around more germs. My husband has been very lucky and has only been sick once this winter. Ugh! That figures! I haven't been able to smell anything or taste anything since lunch time Friday! (it's now Wednesday). I think I could lose a lot of weight if I had no taste buds, lol. I have just been basically making myself eat something each day because nothing sounds good! I feel like I am making a waste of food if I can't taste it! I don't want to eat and waste the flavor, haha! I would love to see how much weight I have lost in this past week because I haven't been eating much at all...but I haven't weighed myself in so long I wouldn't know what I was last week! I did weigh myself lastnight just for the heck of it and WOWzers! I realize that it was at the end of the day instead of first thing in the morning but YIKES!..that number scared me! I'm definitely going to have to do something fast!

I'm just trying to get over this cold or sinus infection or whatever the heck this is. I haven't been working out since I have been sick. It seems like this is happening every time I start to get back into the "groove" of working out..then I get sick and get out of the groove again! As soon as I am feeling up to it I will be working out again. I miss it! I guess I can consider my eating to be "good" this week? Since I haven't eaten any so called bad foods because I can't taste them!

On Saturday I am supposed to start a part time job. I'm excited about it! It will get me out of the house a few days a week and some extra money for us. I will be working that job and still trying to do my online job. That means that even MORE of my time is going to be occupied! I wish I could just blog all day! I would like that..but I just have to squeeze it in whenever I can! I try to post atleast once a week. I so wish I could post more than that but there just aren't enough hours in the day time or the week for that matter, lol!

Saturday, January 12, 2008

The new year....

Ok, so my resolution for the new year is not to lose weight. My resolution is to be healthier! Eat healthier and get more exercise. I've decided not to worry so much about the number on the scales but just live a healthier way of life! I have been working out just about every day and been trying to eat healthier. My biggest obstacle right now is my husband (again). Ok, yeah he is working out, too but he isn't eating any differently. There's no use talking to him because he wont listen and he doesn't care. When he is hungry, he is hungry! He is used to being able to eat whatever he wants to because he has always worked an active laborous job. Now he's not working such an active job and the calories are staying instead of leaving! However, I'm not going to lecture him or push him. It's his decision and no matter how much I want him to go along with my eating habits I can't force him. It has to be his decision. Anyway, back to my point. So with this job he gets home around 10-11 pm every night. A lot of nights he ends up picking up something to eat on the way home because he hasn't had dinner yet and is starving. He always brings extra home for me, too and if it is in my face then I have a very hard time pushing it away. I have told him not to bring me home anything anymore because I probably wouldn't eat anything if it weren't for him bringing stuff home!

I'm still having such a struggle with food. It seems to be a neverending struggle. I have a love/hate relationship with food. I love it and crave it but I hate it for making me fat! Once I am in the eat mode I just can't get out of it. It's like an addiction. Like a drug. That is my biggest problem throughout all of this. I'm trying to make healthier choices..I just hope I can continue with it. I know I can eat some junk food, just in moderation. Therein lies my problem. The moderation part, lol! I'm just trying not to stress about it and worry about the number on the scales anymore. Maybe i wont even weigh myself at all anymore I will just go by how my clothes fit? That way when I have bad weeks where the numbers don't move I wont get so stressed out about it? Hmm, that's a good idea!

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

Another year!

So it's been an entire year since I first started with my "journey". Hmm, in some ways, I think that I have wasted a lot of it, which I have. However, I did lose some weight and am not ready to throw in the towel yet. I still have a lot more to go. I know that if I would have stuck with it for the entire year I would be really happy with myself right now, but I didn't. I can blame it on being sick, I can blame it on my husband, I can blame it on lots of things but no one puts food in my mouth except for me!

So here we go again. Like I said yesterday I am feeling better now, thankfully this sickness didn't last but a few days this time. I still have a cough and some congestion but nothing like it was last week. My husband and I got a heavy bag over the weekend and have started making use of it. He was a golden glove boxer when he was younger (an injury ended up getting him out of it). He is teaching me how to hit it and different exercises I can do. I really like working out with him because he really pushes me. My left arm felt like it was going to fall off earlier but he wouldnt let me stop! He still kept pushing me to do a few more. I really, really like hitting the heavy bag. It feels good to punch something, lol! I think it helps with my stress level too as I am feeling pretty good today. I've done good today so far with eating. For breakfast I had a light yogurt and a granola bar. For lunch I had a microwave meal (300 cals) and for my snack some celery with peanut butter. Ofcourse lots of water today, too. I have always kept up with drinking lots of water each day. I used to be a pop (soda) freak and drank nothing but that all day long. Now I may drink one diet pop a day but that's it. The rest of the day it is all water!

I didnt weigh myself yet. I'm going to keep at it for awhile and then weigh just to see where I am. I remember what i was the last time I weighed so hopefully I can get the scales to move down again, lol. I'm going to keep reading the weight loss message boards (i have the links posted in my fave links) for inspiration. Also going to get more active with sparkpeople again to keep me motivated...and ofcourse posting here as much as possible. Now that the daily routine is starting to feel like a routine again I think i can manage getting time in to post here more! I need to get back into the mindset that I had a year ago. I felt unstoppable about this back then and I want that back! That is what kept pushing me. I just have to keep reminding myself WHY I am doing this and remind myself of how miserable I am at this weight! Food is not worth it!