Thursday, March 20, 2008

Is it a disease???

The last week has been so-so, I guess. I was doing good up until a week ago. Out of nowhere I just felt like i was starving and was craving EVERYTHING bad!!! Then the whole weekend kind of went downhill from there. I even stopped working out for a few days. I was really starting to feel badly about myself and am trying to pull myself back up! It's just so hard with everything going on. I know lots of people say that they have a hard time finding the time to work out..but seriously..I REALLY do. My day is constantly doing something whether it's cleaning, grocery shopping, making meals, getting the kids off to school, working.. We need the money so I try to squeeze in working whenever I possibly can..every minute counts!! I swear to you on a normal day I only have ONE hour a day in the evening to just SIT and relax!! and then I have to try to squeeze in a workout in there,'s not easy at all!!..but I'm trying to do as much as I can because i realize that working out really puts me in a better mood and mindset. I just have sooo much stress going on in my life right now. I'm stressing with everything in life. My husband works all the time and I don't know anyone here so I am basically stuck at home with 3 kids 24/7. No matter how much a person loves their kids, everyone NEEDS A BREAK!! I need "me" time but I have no way of getting it! My kids are at that age where they are constantly arguing or whining or crying about SOMETHING..and being around that 24 hours a day would make anyone CRACK!! My husband doesn't seem to really CARE. He COULD get off work early once in awhile so we can go out and do something fun to get out of the house..but he doesn't.. We are still having a lot of problems in our relationship, too. In fact, we have an appointment set up with a marriage counselor but our first appointment isn't for another THREE weeks (on my birthday, too! ugh). The stresses of everything, money, the kids, work..I think it has taken a big toll on our relationship and it is just causing more problems. Sometimes I feel like I just can't handle everything and this is not the life that I want for myself! I feel like a hermit trapped in my own house! a caged animal!! My kids are in preschool and only go twice a week for 4 hours..and what do I do while they are there? Work!!...

Anyway, my biggest struggle is eating. I've been doing a lot of thinking and I really think I have Compulsive Overeating Disorder. I did some research online and everything it says is ME. It's like I just get completely out of control and I will eat until my stomach feels like it's going to explode! Even to the point of getting SICK!..While I am getting sick I'm yelling at myself saying that it's all my fault but then the next day I will just do it again!! From what I looked up online it says basically the most proven way to change your behavior is therapy! I was already thinking about getting myself back into counseling. I was in counseling before for my depression and low self esteem..but I didn't feel like the counselor was doing anything! She would just sit there and listen..but then would do soon as I would finish talking she would say, "what else do you want to talk about?" and that was it! I have enough friends that will listen, I dont need to juggle my schedule around just to have some stranger listen! I quit. I was on an anti-depressant before I moved and I thought it really helped but once we moved over here I thought it would be too difficult to be able to get into counseling or a doctor because we don't have anyone to watch the kids so I weaned myself off of them. Now that my husband is on second shift it makes it a bit easier to go to appointments like I am really thinking about trying it again with someone different and getting back on some medications. I know I have a problem with eating and I have good days when I can control it and other days when I can't. One day I will be all gung ho and ready to go, "i can do this, i can do this!" and them BAM! the very next day I will just have lost it all completely!! I've been fat for most of my life and have overeaten since I was a child and I'm realizing it's not something that I can just change on my own. I need help. I don't want to be miserable for the rest of my life. I'm about to be 31 years old and feel like I have wasted all of my younger years eating and hating myself. I'm ready to change and I am ready to be a HAPPY person! FAT or not!!

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