Friday, April 27, 2012

The Scales Don't Lie

I finally faced the scales today. I lost 3 lbs. I should be happy about it.. and I'm glad that I didn't gain, but that's 3 lbs in a month. That's not enough! I guess I'm going to have to really get serious and eat better on the weekends. I do good throughout the week but the weekends are bad. Everything is out of whack on the weekends. Kids are home and we always seem to have something to do or are on the go and I have a hard time making good food choices especially when it comes to eating out at restaurants. They just have so much good bad food!! I guess I gotta face it though if I want to see the scales go down faster. I bust my ass 5 days a week working out, but the calories on the weekends are going to slow everything down. Fridays are still my "free day" (and it's today, yay!) but the rest of the weekend I have to be good. I was kind of worried that the scale would go UP, just because I haven't really noticed my clothing being looser, so I'm still happy to see a decline in the number.

Food should not be my best friend, but who is? To be completely honest, I don't have anyone except for my mother. My husband is not there for me any more. My friends have just kind of blown me off (I should be used to that). I really have no one to lean on or talk to. It's depressing which only makes my depression worse! My mom and I are very close and she's trying to lose weight, too.. but I need people my own age in my life, too. Plus, my mom lives 40 minutes away so I only see her usually once on the weekends. I don't have anyone in this town to do things with or even go for walks with, apart from the kids. Some days I just feel like my life really sucks. I'm not happy with how thing are in my life right now and I have to figure out how to change things. I don't want to live like this forever but I know it's not going to change unless I do something about it.

OH, I just had to share this. So a friend of mine made a comment on his Facebook page about "nasty fat bitches".. so I left a comment just saying, "WTF".. then he IM'd me and tried explaining what he was meaning. In this amusing conversation, he said, "I'm not meaning the sweet larger girls that I know and I hope you don't think it was meant towards you". I understand he was trying to be nice but damn, "sweet larger girls".. THANKS SO MUCH, buddy!!!!

Mmmm, bacon.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Scales Are Evil.

I'm still staying away from the scales. I haven't been so super bad that I'm afraid to get on it.. I just don't want to get discouraged. I remember when I lost weight before how depressed I would get if I only lost 1 lb in a week or if I gained a pound. I would begin asking myself WHY I was busting my ass working out every day and keeping myself from all of the bad foods. I know muscle weighs more than fat but it can get discouraging when you don't get the results you want. I will weigh in one of these days just to see where I'm standing.. maybe I'll only weigh at the end of each month? I don't know. I'll figure it out though. I know my clothes are looser so that's what I'm going to go by.

I really wish I would have done this shit when I was younger. It's a lot easier to dedicate yourself to things when you don't have kids or so many freaking other responsibilities. I have so many other things to worry about in my life right now but I'm not going to give up on this. I feel soo much better when I'm working out and eating healthier. It's amazing how much of a difference exercise can make in your life. Some days I just don't want to get up and do it but I know that I will feel so much better afterwards. I have a lot more energy throughout the day when I work out in the morning. I don't think I could ever be one of those people who gets up at 5am to go workout though, that's just insanity!!

Just checking in for now. I know I haven't been posting here much but I suppose that's ok because I don't have any readers anyway, so I'm just talking to myself. Ha!!

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Depression and Weight Loss

Depression has affected my life for quite a few years now. I recently wrote about my experience with Depression on my Madam Sarcasm blog. After I wrote that, I began thinking about the effects it has on me that I didn't realize it had and also how depression affects my attempts at weight loss.

One question I wonder is: Has depression always been there and was it the cause of my obesity, or am I depressed because I'm fat? OR, would the depression have been there any way whether I was fat or thin? Hmmm, things to ponder.

Most people who are overweight eat because food gives them a "high" and a sense of comfort. Depression can make weight loss harder because of the constant mood swings. I can be "up" one minute, and then "down" the next. I have bad days where I'm just sad and everything makes me cry and I need that one thing to give me some comfort: food. How do I learn to find something else to give me that same comforting feeling that won't add calories to my diet? Is this a demon that I am going to have to fight for the rest of my life?

I was reading another blog about depression a few weeks ago. This woman talked about social problems depression has caused her and that when you are depressed you can't or don't want to deal with emotions. It really made me start thinking.. a lot. I've always been extremely shy. I have gotten better as an adult but it's still there. I feel uncomfortable around people that I don't know and I always feel like people are laughing at my behind my back because I'm fat and that everyone is staring at me. I have a problem starting up conversations with strangers or even keeping up with conversations as sometimes I just can't think of anything else to say. I've always been the quiet, shy one that just stood on the sidelines watching everyone else.

This blogger talked about how we run when we are faced with a lot of emotions. I never thought of this until I read her post. For one thing, when someone cries in front of me, it's almost as if I freeze and don't know what to say or do. I know I should reach over and give them a hug and tell them it's alright but I just freeze up... except when it comes to my kids. When my husband and I argue, I also freeze up. I don't like any type of confrontation. I become tongue tied and I lose my thoughts and don't know what to say, so I usually leave the room. I have a horrible anger problem.. sometimes I am just so mad it feels like my chest is going to explode. I feel like I have rage inside of me that I don't know how to get out and when I'm pissed.. I AM PISSED! I will also say a lot of horrible things that I don't mean in the heat of an angry moment. I never thought of all of these things being a sort of disconnection due to depression. I many times don't know how to deal with my emotions whether they are angry or sad. Is there some connection with my depression and being overweight?

Has anyone else experienced real depression? 

Monday, April 9, 2012

Bad Week

I didn't weigh in on Friday and then ended up being gone all day long so didn't do my normal Friday post. Last week was... ok. I just wasn't feeling it last week. I think there comes a point where we grow tired of having to worry about calories and vegetables and carbs and exercise... that was me last week. I felt like I was starving every day.. but most of the time, even though I did eat, I tried to make healthy choices. Since I just wasn't feeling it, I decided not to weigh in because I figured if I didn't lose, it would make me feel worse. Then this weekend I was just horrible. I ate.. and ate.. and then ate some more. I ate so much CRAP yesterday from Easter and my stomach has been hurting ever since I woke up this morning. I know it's from all the junk I had yesterday .. and I know that I DESERVE to feel this bad because of all the junk I crammed into my mouth yesterday. Ugh.... but today is a new day and the start of a new week. Even though it's my birthday, I really doubt that anyone will be getting me a cake, so I don't have to worry about that. I'm going to shock my body back into healthy eating, even with all of the junk laying around the house from Easter. My stomach was hurting so badly that I didn't even work out this morning.. but I'll try to make up for it during the week, it's only Monday. I'm not going to let myself give up that easily! The kids go back to school tomorrow and things will get back to normal. I knew I would have bad weeks like this but I won't let them bring me down. I have to do this.. for me and my family.