Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Bad day today...

Having a bad day today. Christmas got me a bit depressed this year. Ever since I had my kids I've loved Christmas and have always been very excited about it! This year just seemed different. I wasn't as excited as normal. Then the closer it got I started to remember LAST Christmas and how happy I was. Things seemed to be going wonderfully for my husband and I.. almost perfect in my eyes. This year it's just the complete opposite. I enjoyed watching my kids' faces with their gifts but that is about the only thing I enjoyed.

Then today we had an appointment with our Marriage Therapist. I always feel drained after one of our sessions but today was just the worst. I feel like I'm being attacked and blamed for everything.. even by the therapist! I know that my problems are SOME of OUR problems, but not all of them! I'm being told that my depression is part of the problem. Now I'm being told that I'm too controlling and that is part of the problem. I mean, so far, it's all been MY problems and what I am doing wrong and NOTHING about my husband! Like he just sits back like he's soo f'n innocent. Now I'm just feeling like the most horrible person on the planet. I feel like I'm the one being blamed for all of our marriage problems. I've always thought of myself as being ugly on the outside but beautiful on the inside.. now I feel like I'm ugly on the outside AND Inside.. and feel like Im just.. unlovable. Am I really that terrible?? I feel like it. I feel like I just want to crawl under a rock and die right now.

The Prozac HAS been helping though. Before all of this happened I was just feeling calm and content on it. I noticed that I wasn't getting upset as easily over things. I wasn't crying all of the time... I've had no side effects from it at all. I'm very happy about how much it is helping.. but it's things like this.. I guess it is called circumstantial depression that no medication can help. I mean, for what I'm going through right now I don't think that anyone would NOT feel depressed.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Interested in Online Schools??

As some of you may know, over the past summer I enrolled in an online school to obtain my Associate's Degree to be a Veterinary Technician. At the ripe old age of ?? (left out purposely, lol) I decided that it was time for me to take some control over my life and my financial situation. I want to do something important with my life! Going to college was something I had talked about doing for quite awhile. I knew it would be difficult for me to do because it would be hard for me to have a babysitter for the kids and to drive so far so often to go to school. I started researching online schools and it really got me excited!

I'm sure a lot of you are like me and wonder how exactly an online school works? Well, I can tell you how Penn Foster works. First of all, I want to mention the tuition. Tuition for online schools is quite a bit less than a typical brick and mortor school. Penn Foster has monthly payment options that you can choose to do if you can't afford all of it upfront. You just have to have it paid off before they will issue you your degree.

You have one year to finish one semester. So far, the first semester of my course includes Physical Exam., Restraint, Behavior, Computers, Biology, Medical Math and a few others. They send you one subject at a time. You have as much time as you want to read through the books and take the exam. You do the exam online and as long as you pass they will then ship out your next subject!

They have online classes which is basically like a chatroom where the professor types out what he would say in a typical class lecture. They also show slides on the screen to go along with the lecture. You have a chance to ask the professor questions and he/she will answer it!

They have forums where you can discuss things with other students taking the same courses. You can ask about school work or trade class notes... etc. You have to spend a lot of time on the forums and they consider that to be "class participation".

At the end of the semester you will take your Proctor Exams. I've not taken these yet but have heard that they are essay questions, all exams have to be done in the presence of a "proctor" and the exams can take up to 6 hours to complete (in one day!). The Vet. course classes are taken closed book while the non Vet. classes are open book.

After your second and fourth semester you are required to do a "Practicum" which is working in a vet's office being taught certain procedures and practices for so many hours.

I really like the fact that I can do my work when I have time! With 3 young kids and working it's hard to be able to squeeze in quiet time for me to study! I don't have to worry about having a deadline I can just do it when I can. The payments are low and is something I can afford right NOW. I know they will have to be paid off before I can get my degree but I have a long time to plan and save ahead for that!

I think online schools are a great option for someone like me who has a very busy schedule to follow. I'm glad that I took the first step to change my life!

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Positive Thinking??

I've been on Prozac for about 3 weeks now. I'm on 20 mgs now. It is kind of hard for me to tell how much of a difference it is making just because I have been sick for the past 2 1/2 weeks! Cold, cough, sore throat, stuffy, runny nose! I am on an antibiotic and was feeling better but now the last few days I've been having a stuffy runny nose again however I'm starting to think it's just sinus problems this time. Still makes me feel like poop though! Grrrrr.. After 2 1/2 weeks I'm tired of feeling like crap every day!

I have not noticed any bad side effects at all. I have noticed that I'm not AS emotional as I normally am. I've actually not cried in quite awhile! Even when watching something sad on TV I'm not fighting back tears like I normally would. I hope that's a good sign then?.. I've also noticed that some of the little things don't bother me as much.. I can kind of just blow them off and forget about them. BUT, that could also be because I feel like crap and don't care???

We had a marriage counseling session yesterday and I actually learned a lot. The therapist is trying to teach me how to think differently to help control my emotions. He explained it like this: if you are out somewhere and someone bumps into you without saying excuse me or apologizing how do you react? Do you get mad and say, "hey asshole what's your problem??".. most people would.. I would, lol! You can stop negative thoughts with positive thoughts.. or by saying to yourself, "they must have had a bad day" or "it's not my fault they are in a bad mood".. and just move on! When dealing with other people it helps to remember that you can not control other people's emotions.. if someone is angry or upset it is not YOUR fault. The hard part is actually changing your way of thinking. After years and years of thinking a certain way it's hard to retrain your brain to think positively! .. But I'm working on it.