Friday, May 18, 2012

They're All Gonna Laugh At You!!

I've decided that I'm only going to weigh myself at the end of each month. That way I won't get discouraged if I don't lose anything each week.. I like to notice weight loss by my clothing instead of numbers on a scale anyway. In fact, it's been warmer out this past week and I've noticed that all of my capris are practically falling off of me, which is good, but I don't have the money to go buy new capris! They are baggy and saggy on me, too and don't look too good on me. *sigh* Ah well, I still won't complain though.

I've been going out of my comfort zone and going for walks in the mornings. That sounds kinda odd saying that I'm going out of my comfort zone to go for a walk but it's true. I think it all stems back to when I was younger when people would yell fat comments at me or look at me and laugh. I don't like to do anything by myself. I used to not even want to go to the store by myself but I've gotten over that. Whenever I'm alone in public, I feel like everyone is staring at me and laughing even though, in reality, I know most people are not even paying attention to me and it's just my paranoia. I'm ok going for walks with my kids but this is the first time I've ever gone for a walk completely by myself. No, seriously! Apart from walking to friends' house when I was a kid. We just moved to this town almost a year ago. It's a small town and everyone seems to be pretty friendly; the type of town where people wave at you while they drive by. I just turn on my iPod and walk! I love going in the mornings when the day is brand new with the fresh air, and most people are at work so it's quiet out and not many cars. My only problem is NOT singing along with the iPod. I have a bunch of 80s songs on it and when I listen to it at home I usually sing at the top of my lungs but I can't do that in public, haha. I've been feeling great, too after going for these walks. I feel energized, my legs feel great, the fresh air feels great, I love it. At the end of next week, the kids will be done with school (ugh) so I told them that they are going to start walking with me, too. They don't mind that at all though especially if  we walk to the park and I let them play for awhile... it gets us all some exercise and fresh air. If I can just keep up with it, I think I'll do great!!

I just have to get myself over this paranoia or whatever you want to call it that I have. Always thinking that people are staring and laughing. It's like some deep seeded fear that has to be from my younger years. I have to step out of my comfort zone and put myself out there and eventually I will sincerely realize that no one is staring at me or laughing at me and if they ARE laughing at me, they are idiots that I don't give a crap about anyway.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Come On Be Happy!

This conversation happened today on my Facebook page. I almost wanted to laugh when I read that first response. It must be nice to be able to control your own mood because I sure as Hell can't. The person who responded to my post didn't respond back after my other comment. I really get annoyed with the happy go lucky people who think it's so easy to just be happy. Maybe I'm not so much annoyed with them as I am jealous? I mean, I love the feeling of being happy. I wish I could be happy every day and if I could, I would. It's not that simple for anyone who is suffering from any kind of mood disorder. I hate my bad days when I'm angry and hating everyone and everything around me or the depressed days where all I can do is cry about every. single. thing. Life just isn't that simple and yeah I had to roll my eyes at the first response to my post. It is someone from my college that doesn't know much about me at all. No one would choose to be in a bad mood and loathe their own existence, no one. I wish people would think before they open their mouth (or type) because life isn't always as simple for everyone as it may be for you. I also can't control how I respond to someone. Certain things just trigger me and either piss me off or make me cry. It's not something I can help or control nor is it something that someone who has never suffered from something like this will ever understand.