Thursday, November 8, 2007

Being the fat girl

This is something I wrote when my internet was out for a week and am just now getting around to posting it! I will be writing more on the subject in the future! (by the way, the week is going good for me, so far!)


No one knows what it's like to be a fat person except for another fat person. No one knows what it's like to grow up a fat person except for someone who has grown up being a fat person as well. I know a lot of people end up gaining weight later in life, whether it be after having children or just, well, growing older. Consider yourself one of the lucky ones if you were able to live part of your life not being overweight.

I have been overweight since around the age of 4-5 years. I don't even remember what it's like to be thin. I've always been overweight. I've always been the fat kid in school. I spent most of my childhood being made fun of, called names and always being picked last. Only a fat person will know what that sort of torment can to do ones self esteem. I've spent most of my life hating myself. I avoid the mirror like it's the freakin' plague. I can't stand to look at my reflection. When I do decide to look I end up being completely disgusted. All I see is a fat slob in there. I don't see myself. I don't see the real me. I don't know what my face truly looks like. My face has always been covered with fat and a double chin (a big one at that, that I managed to inherit from my mother and her mother!). Boys were never interested in me. They were always interested in my friends, not me. If they WERE interested in me then it was just because they figured since I'm fat I would give "it" up easily. Ofcourse I had crushes like any other typical blossoming girl. I liked boys but they never liked me. Most of them would be polite and start off with, "you're a really sweet girl, but I just don't like you in THAT way"...Or they would make up an excuse such as, "i just got out of a relationship and don't want to get into a new one for a long time, I just want to stay single for awhile"..then two weeks later I see them with some new girl.

Rejection really takes its toll on someone like me. The constant criticism, the constant rejection. I've spent my life hating myself and hating who I am. Now I have a wonderful husband who is always telling me how beautiful I am and he really gets upset if I call myself the fat word. He told me once that he doesn't understand how I can still hate myself after how he compliments me so often. I've tried to explain to him what my life has been like. Ofcourse he doesn't understand. He is a big guy, but not really fat for the most part. He's just big and stocky and muscular (mmmm, lol). He has never really been "obese". He has a very confident personality, he can walk up to any stranger and start a conversation. I, on the other hand, have always been the one that just stands in the corner. The wall flower that just waits for someone to come and talk to ME.

Now at the age of 30 I'm starting to get depressed about growing older. Im looking back at the last 30 years of life thinking of how much I have missed out on because of my weight. How many friendships or relationships I may have missed because of my low self esteem and zero confidence. I feel like I have lost the best years of my life because of my weight and what it has done to my emotional state of being. I can't get those years back. Im seeing the lines in my face growing every day. I feel like I havent enjoyed life like I should have.

I know that I am very lucky to have a man who loves me for ME. I have 3 beautiful children whom I sometimes think deserve a better mother than what they got. I see a lot of thin and "beautiful" people that are still playing the dating game waiting to find mr. right and maybe they are jealous of what I have? I still feel like I have missed out on so many experiences and I can't go back in time and get them back. I don't want to die feeling disappointed with myself.

Being overweight is more than just a physical issue. There are so many emotions that go along with it. So much depression and self-hatred. I know there are some overweight women who are very confident and happy with themselves and I do admire them. I just wish I could have half of the confidence they have. I dread meeting new people. I am terrified that they are going to make fun of me or not like me because I'm fat. I'm very shy when I meet people. I have a hard time opening up to people. I would love to just go out and talk to all sorts of people like my husband does, but I just don't have it in me (well, unless I have had a lot to drink, lol). I told my husband that when I go out I like to get drunk just because the alcohol helps me to lose my shyness and I have more fun when I talk to people more! I can't stay drunk all the time though, can I? just kidding.

Monday, November 5, 2007

Winter is approaching!

I thought that by winter time I would need to be buying a whole new winter wardrobe because of all of the weight I had lost. Isn't that a laugh? I dont need any new winter clothes this year. Dont get me wrong, my jeans are looser this year and my clothes are fitting better than they did last year, but I dont need any new ones, damn it! I was just sitting here earlier realizing that I started all of this on January 1st. Here it is November 5 and what do I have to show for it? A lousy ass 25 lbs lost. For 11 months. Isn't that pathetic? Today is a new day though and Im ready to start again. I've gotten a lot of motivation from my new friend that I spoke about earlier. I did finally weigh myself last week and I have only gained back like 3 lbs...and when I weighed I was fully dressed and had already eaten breakfast (i always weigh with no clothes first thing in the morning before I eat or drink anything). How I did it, I dont know? I've been eating horribly for awhile now. I was getting to the point that come bedtime I would be feeling gassy and bloated every night like I used to feel. Hating myself for stuffing my face that day! My depression has been back and my insecurities are causing some problems for me again..I dont need that crap. I dont want to be that way again. I was feeling so good about myself when I was losing weight and I need to get back to that again for my health and sanity and marriage! My husband doesn't care what I weigh but my insecurities and depression are causing problems for us again. I dont want to live that way again. Right now I am in the right state of mind about food. Junk food is just sounding disgusting to me and I dont want that nasty bloated feeling that comes with eating it!

My husband went back to work today (more on that later one) so Im trying to get back into the routine of everything again. For breakfast I had a whole wheat English Muffin toasted with a slice of cheese and water. Sometimes toasted food will give me heartburn and this morning was really bad. I was feeling good when I got up but after I ate i started feeling sick from the heartburn. I worked out for about 25 minutes but had to stop when I felt like I was going to throw up. Something from breakfast didnt settle well with me today and I dont know why. I used to eat that all the time, lol. I did get a decent work out in. I have to get my body used to working out again. It's like starting all over again, but I love how working out makes me feel afterwards! Now I just wish my stomach would straighten up so I can feel better today! I just hope this state of mind stays with me this time. I fell off the wagon for quite awhile and was all of that junk food worth it? NO! What do I have to show for it? An upset stomach and a few extra pounds, that's what! I'm soo angry at myself for wasting all of this time when I could have lost a significant amount of weight by now.

Someone asked me awhile ago if I was going to change the logo for my blog because it has the year 2007 on it. I thought about it and decided that Im not going to change it. This is my journey to the new me. I dont know how long this journey will take but 2007 will always be the year that started it!

Ok, onto other things. My husband had his surgery on the 23rd. The surgeon said his insides were a mess, all of his organs were twisted up and in a big ball right in the middle of his stomach but the doctor says everything is fine now. He hasnt gotten sick one time since his surgery two weeks ago. I didnt work out at all while he was home because like I said before, I dont work out around him, lol. This past week we did go for a couple of walks though once he was feeling up to it. Tonight Im going to sit down with him and have a talk with him about him helping me with my weight loss. Ive written about it a few times in here. He says I dont need to lose weight (wth??) and he is always bringing junk food into the house or trying to talk me into going out to eat. I am not good with temptation. I have a very hard time saying no if it is right in front of me and it will help me a lot if the temptation just isn't there!

Ok, that's my little update for now. I'm hoping to start posting more often again like I used to!!