Friday, March 30, 2012

End of March Update and Fat Acceptance

Another 2 lbs down! *phew* I was a little concerned this week because I didn't get as much exercise as I did the week before because the weather turned cold again. I tried making up for it by really pushing myself in the workouts that I did at home. I guess it worked! I'm trying to push myself more. I'm usually the type that stops as soon as it begins hurting or I get out of breath. On Wednesday, the weather was a little warmer so my oldest son and I rode our bikes to the gas station. It was really windy that day. We got half way down our street and almost turned around to come home. I noticed how difficult it was to ride in the wind.. My legs were pushing so hard and I could feel my heart racing and I was out of breath. I wasn't going to say anything though until my son stopped and said his legs hurt, lol. We discussed going back home, but we decided to keep going anyway. There were a couple times that I was super close to saying screw it, let's go back home but I didn't. I kept pushing and pushing, even though by the time we got to the gas station I thought I was going to pass out! I didn't though, and the ride home was much easier with the wind to our back. My legs felt like jello by the time we got back home though. Riding my bike is definitely great for my legs!

I was reading Fitness magazine yesterday. It said in there that if you lose more than 2 lbs a week (apart from the typical big loss at the beginning), then you are eating too little calories.. and that anything more than 2 lbs a week is not healthy (*ahem, Biggest Loser!). Soo, even though I would like to lose more than 2 lbs a week, I will take it. It's much better than losing only 1 lb or even gaining. It's just frustrating when you are my size. Two pounds a week works out to 8 pounds a month. At that pace, it would take about a year to lose 100 lbs. Of course, along the way there are going to be bigger loses once in awhile, there are going to be plateaus, and there are going to be mistakes made along the way causing maybe even a few gains. I know losing weight as quick as they do on the Biggest Loser is not healthy, but it would be a lot more motivating. I'm still good right now, I just hope I can keep the momentum. I don't have much support at all apart from my mom. She's trying to lose, too and is doing great. She gave up pop completely (can you imagine!?) and hasn't had one in almost a month! Other than that, I don't have any support. I have friends that may tell me good job if I mention that I've lost, but I don't have any other weight loss partners or someone to cheer me on and for me to cheer on. I need a weight loss buddy, damn it!! My husband is no support at all. He's happy with me the way I am and is always bringing junk food home. Even when I mention that I've lost 30 lbs, he says nothing. *sigh*. I'll just have to prove that I can get through this on my own!

Fat acceptance. Is it for others to accept fat people? What about fat people accepting that they are fat? Is a fat person every truly happy with themselves? Are they confident? Maybe a few, but most are like me. Disgusted by what they see in the mirror, embarrassed, humiliated, and miserable. Most of us don't want to be fat but it's an unaccepted addiction that anyone who has never had a weight problem can ever understand. It's more than just eating healthy and exercise; the mind can be a powerful thing.

Friday, March 23, 2012

What Would You Do??

Down another 2 lbs this week! Yahoo! and that's with me being bad a few times. I did get my bike out this week and went on a few bike rides with the kids on top of my regular exercise routine. I really love riding my bike but I have to give it a rest for a few days because my butt hurts! We even got one of those bigger more comfortable seats on the bike but it still hurts. Ahh well. The exercise is making me feel sooo good mentally and physically plus my kids love that I'm getting out and doing things with them. It's almost as if I'm becoming addicted to exercising. I hate just sitting around.. I feel like I'm being lazy so I'm always thinking of things to do.. go for a walk, a bike ride, play Just Dance on the wii or what?? Even though the numbers on the scale have been moving slower than I would like them to, my clothes have been looser. My mother in law asked me last weekend if I've lost weight which made me feel good. She's always been super thin, never had a weight problem but a lot of her family does and she is very understanding about it.

One thing I've been doing to help with portion control is to use a small plate instead of the normal big plate. Even though I know it's less food, I don't feel as if I'm starving or wanting more. I feel satisfied with the small plate so that is what I am going to keep on doing.

Did anyone watch, "What Would You Do?" last week? Their skit for last week was at a higher end clothing store, and they had two women walk in together; one was thin, the other was bigger. The saleswoman (an actress) was rude to the bigger girl telling her that, "we don't have anything that will fit you", "we don't sell double digit sizes".. They did this to see how other people would react and if anyone would stick up for the heavier girl. I was surprised at how many women yelled at the sales woman for being so rude. All of the women that were sticking up for the bigger girl were thin but yet they were soo angry at this sales women. A couple of them were even getting emotional about it. It kind of changed the way that I look at others and how I think people are looking at me. When I'm out, especially at a clothing store, I feel like the thinner people in the store are looking at me or laughing because I am in the PLUS section.. but maybe some of them would even stick up for me??

Oh, and I didn't get a call back about the job interview last week.. *cries* . I'm sick about it. I really wanted this job!!!!!! I sincerely hope it wasn't because of my little embarrassing incident that happened but I will really never know. Maybe someone was more qualified or had experience.. I don't know... but it's depressing. I need a job desperately. I need a job for one, because of money. We are just barely scraping by on my husband's pay check so me working would be wonderful. I do work from home, but I don't make much.. not even half as much as I used to.  Plus, I want out of the house. I've been working from home for the past 6 1/2 years. The kids are all in school now and I'm tired of being stuck at home.. I want to get out of the house and talk to people!

Friday, March 16, 2012

My Embarrassing Interview (and Update)

I've actually had a good week! I didn't eat much over the weekend.. really didn't have an appetite and both days probably had less than 1000 calories (not on purpose.. just wasn't feeling too well). The weather this week has been beautiful. Since Tuesday it has been in the 70s. Tuesday, when the kids got home from school, we took the dog and walked around the local reservoir. The kids were complaining more than I was, "my legs hurt.. my feet are tired".. Really??? You guys are thin and healthy, shut up!!! The walk felt good and when we got home the dog ran to get a drink of water and then pretty much collapsed on the floor (he needs to lose some weight, too). Wednesday, my twins go to a kids club thing at school after school for an hour, but my oldest doesn't go.. so when he got home, he and I walked around the neighborhood. Then yesterday morning, before lunch I took the dog for another walk around the reservoir. I'm loving the weather and these walks! I had a job interview on Wedsnesday. I have these pair of nice dress pants I wear to interviews. I don't wear them often because they are usually uncomfortably tight.. but I put them on and didn't even have to struggle to zip them up.. they are comfortable now! Yeah!!!... I was excited to step on the scale this morning because I knew I did good all week. The results: a one pound loss. *sigh*. Yes, I know any loss is good.. but ONE freaking pound?? It was disappointing, but I'm still not giving up. My clothing is motivating me to keep going. The energy I'm gaining is motivating me to keep going. I even dreamt about becoming thin in my sleep the other night! I've never done that before. I actually have this feeling that it's going to stick this time. I hope nothing comes around to mess it all up for me. I won't let that happen. I already feel so much better about myself.. well.. for the most part....


So Wednesday, I had a job interview. It was at a hospital working in the ICU. I was SUPER excited to get this interview. I had to go to the HR department first and wait for the ICU dept. head to come and get me. She was a very nice lady. We had to walk around and around and then up to the second floor. But, she decides it's easier to just take the stairs instead of the elevator. Of course, you know, in buildings like that, a floor usually consists of two stair cases instead of just one. At least it was only one floor.. but between being over weight and the chest congestion I still have from being sick a few weeks ago, I was out of breath when we got to the top. She walked me around the nurses area, showing me everything, while I'm trying to catch my breath and NOT act like I'm suffocating! We go into her office where it was nice and quiet and I was trying to stifle my heavy breathing, trying to take quiet deep breaths until my body calmed down. She was looking through paperwork so she wasn't paying much attention to me, but come on, she's an RN, I'm sure she noticed my breathing! I was sooo humiliated and embarrassed and disgusted!! Once I caught my breath, the rest of the interview went well. She did ask me about how my energy level was because it was a super crazy busy job. I tried to play it up like I'm full of energy and always ready to tackle any task given to me, but did she ask me that because I couldn't even walk up the stairs without huffing like a fucking horse? As she walked me out, she jokingly said that going down the stairs was easier than going up. I didn't know if she was just saying that as conversation or if she was meaning because I was so out of breath earlier? Am I just being paranoid? Now, If I don't get the job, I'm going to be convinced it was because of my fatness. ... This is one experience that has just motivated me more to keep going with this. I'm still young and shouldn't have a problem going up and down steps! One stair case would have been alright, but two of them took my breath away, literally.

Please, PLEASE keep your fingers, toes, arms, legs, boobs, whatever you can cross, crossed for me to get this job. It would be a freakin AWESOME job that I think I would just LOVE, plus it pays GOOD.. and we need it badly. I'm going to call and check in with the hiring woman later on today.

Friday, March 9, 2012

Up and Down, Up and Down

So last week I gained 2 lbs, and this week I lost 2 lbs. I'm glad I lost, but I'm at the same weight I was 3 freaking weeks ago! I've been working out every day and watching what I eat, it should be more than that, wtcrap? Ugh. It's starting to get frustrating but I am not ready to give up yet. I know that I wasn't perfect this week, but I wasn't super bad, either.

I was proud of myself earlier today though. My mom and I went out to lunch today. I didn't exactly order healthy. I did have a grilled chicken sandwich covered with onions (and some cheese.. mmmm) and onion rings that I split with my mom. The onion rings had no flavor, so I only ate a couple of them, and I got full half way through my sandwich, so I left it there on my plate. I never do that! Usually I stuff myself until I'm sick because I don't want to waste anything. I ate less than half of what was on my plate, yayyy mee! and I didn't feel like I was missing out.

I have noticed that I am getting further along in the workout video that I have before I feel like I'm going to fall over dead. Even though I don't really like the workout, it feels good that I am getting better at it because it means that my fitness level is getting better and that is super important to me.

Some days I look in the mirror and think my face looks thinner and other days not so much. Maybe I should start taking some pictures of myself like on a monthly basis. I'll think on that one. I don't like photos of myself but no one else would see them except me to compare, at least until I lose a significant amount of weight and want to show it off. I've always wondered though, since I've been overweight my whole life and have always loathed my reflection in the mirror, will I still see myself as being fat if I lost 100 lbs? Would my vision of myself still be distorted? Or would I be able to accept my accomplishments and learn to like what I see in the mirror? I hear stories all the time of people losing a large amount of weight but they still think they are fat just because their mind is so screwed up. I want to like what I see in the mirror and be happy with who I am.


(this pic was posted on the Bob Harper FB page)

Amazing! and she looks hot in those boots!!!

Friday, March 2, 2012

A Blah Kinda Day

Hello, my name is Deanna and I am a food addict. There, I said it! I weighed myself this morning after not weighing for two weeks and gained 2 lbs! WTF?? I know I haven't been perfect, but I have still cut way back on my calories and overeating, plus been working out 5 days a week. I did eat a lot of salty foods yesterday, so I'm probably retaining water. I'm kinda sad about it, but I'm trying to talk myself out of it and not get discouraged. I'm feeling so much better just from losing 30 lbs, I don't want to go back to my old ways and gain that 30 lbs back. I'm still going to keep working out as much as I can. I'm just gonna have to control my eating better. Why is this such a struggle for me? If the food is put in front of me, I will eat it... and I have a family to feed, so I can't just stay away from food! I have to make it! I have to work on portions and stopping myself when I get full instead of making myself eat the entire thing. I don't know what happened that I have it ingrained in my head that I have to eat it all. I don't know if it was a babysitter I had when I was little who always made me eat everything? I don't remember everything so I can't be for sure. I remember bits and pieces of her making me eat. She was an evil old hag, too!

I always feel like I have to eat it all. If we go to a restaurant, I feel like I have to eat it all because it won't be as good warmed up later. If we order pizza and I know there is still some left over in the box, I just keep thinking about it, even when I'm not hungry. What fucked up my head this way? Food should be about nourishment and getting energy, not enjoyment. We shouldn't get a euphoric "high" from eating food, it should just be a part of our daily life like taking a shower and brushing our teeth. Even when my stomach is full, I sometimes still reach for more. I have been better about sticking with only eating what is on my plate and not going back for seconds, but it's still a struggle. Do I need help to get past this addiction? Do I need support from friends and family? I really don't have much support apart from my mom. My husband and I have kind of drifted apart the past few months. I mention once in awhile about me losing weight, but he doesn't say anything, no compliment or anything. If I lived in my hometown, I would have a few friends there to get together with and work through this with but since we moved to a different town, it's a 40 minute drive so it's not like we can get a workout group together or something.

I'm just having a blah kinda day today. Woke up tired and just feel lazy. Yes, I feel LAZY today. Do you ever have lazy days? I just feel blah, and want to just relax a little bit today and not have to stress over getting shit done. I hate days like these and I hope tomorrow is better!

My sarcasm for the day!