Depression has affected my life for quite a few years now. I recently wrote about my experience with Depression on my Madam Sarcasm blog. After I wrote that, I began thinking about the effects it has on me that I didn't realize it had and also how depression affects my attempts at weight loss.
One question I wonder is: Has depression always been there and was it the cause of my obesity, or am I depressed because I'm fat? OR, would the depression have been there any way whether I was fat or thin? Hmmm, things to ponder.
Most people who are overweight eat because food gives them a "high" and a sense of comfort. Depression can make weight loss harder because of the constant mood swings. I can be "up" one minute, and then "down" the next. I have bad days where I'm just sad and everything makes me cry and I need that one thing to give me some comfort: food. How do I learn to find something else to give me that same comforting feeling that won't add calories to my diet? Is this a demon that I am going to have to fight for the rest of my life?
I was reading another blog about depression a few weeks ago. This woman talked about social problems depression has caused her and that when you are depressed you can't or don't want to deal with emotions. It really made me start thinking.. a lot. I've always been extremely shy. I have gotten better as an adult but it's still there. I feel uncomfortable around people that I don't know and I always feel like people are laughing at my behind my back because I'm fat and that everyone is staring at me. I have a problem starting up conversations with strangers or even keeping up with conversations as sometimes I just can't think of anything else to say. I've always been the quiet, shy one that just stood on the sidelines watching everyone else.
This blogger talked about how we run when we are faced with a lot of emotions. I never thought of this until I read her post. For one thing, when someone cries in front of me, it's almost as if I freeze and don't know what to say or do. I know I should reach over and give them a hug and tell them it's alright but I just freeze up... except when it comes to my kids. When my husband and I argue, I also freeze up. I don't like any type of confrontation. I become tongue tied and I lose my thoughts and don't know what to say, so I usually leave the room. I have a horrible anger problem.. sometimes I am just so mad it feels like my chest is going to explode. I feel like I have rage inside of me that I don't know how to get out and when I'm pissed.. I AM PISSED! I will also say a lot of horrible things that I don't mean in the heat of an angry moment. I never thought of all of these things being a sort of disconnection due to depression. I many times don't know how to deal with my emotions whether they are angry or sad. Is there some connection with my depression and being overweight?
Has anyone else experienced real depression?