Health Insurance Help

Times are hard and having health problems can make times even harder, especially if you don't have health insurance to help cover the costs of expensive medical care. Purchasing health insurance through your employer can be very expensive especially if you have a large family and not all jobs offer health insurance either leaving you left out in the cold. What happens if you become sick or your child becomes severely ill? Most health issues can't be waited out until it goes away; you typically need medication and advice from a qualified position.

My family was recently in this same situation. We lost our health insurance because we couldn't afford it any longer. Does this mean we can't take our child to the doctor when he's sick? Do we just ignore it? No, that's not an option.

While doing some research online, I stumbled upon the Healthcare Whisperer. Don't let the name fool you, this company has been a huge help to my family. Their website is filled with valuable information including health insurance help, billing problems, and help for seniors with medicare. They offer a plethora of services and even give you your own health care advocate so that you not left to deal with high medical costs on your own.

Other services the Healthcare Whisperer offers is finding a doctor or hospital in your area, hospice services, and a patient care coordinator. Don't be forced to suffer or let your loved ones suffer; there is help out there for you, you just have to find it!

Bacon Sundae, Anyone?

Ugh, been a crazy few weeks. Kids have been out of school for about 3 weeks now. I spent half of that time down with a bad sinus infection and chest cold. I don't exercise when I have a chest cold or anything that makes breathing difficult. Between those two things, my routine has been way outta wack. I haven't been doing as good as I was. Im not eating as well nor am I exercising as hard. I have been trying to do things with the kids like bike rides or playing wii games that require physical exertion. I just feel...off. I need to kick my ass back into gear because I don't want to ruin what I've done so far and gain it all back. Im tired of this being such a struggle. I just want to be able to relax. Oh, and did I mention that my internet is off at the moment and Im typing this on my phone? Mm yeah, so, my thumbs are beginning to hurt. It's like texting a book, lol.

Have you heard about the bacon sundae some restaurants are offering? Burger King is the biggest chain to add it to their menu. I like bacon and I like ice cream. Together? Not so much. What does this say about how FAT America has become? I think it's gross. What do you think?

They're All Gonna Laugh At You!!

I've decided that I'm only going to weigh myself at the end of each month. That way I won't get discouraged if I don't lose anything each week.. I like to notice weight loss by my clothing instead of numbers on a scale anyway. In fact, it's been warmer out this past week and I've noticed that all of my capris are practically falling off of me, which is good, but I don't have the money to go buy new capris! They are baggy and saggy on me, too and don't look too good on me. *sigh* Ah well, I still won't complain though.

I've been going out of my comfort zone and going for walks in the mornings. That sounds kinda odd saying that I'm going out of my comfort zone to go for a walk but it's true. I think it all stems back to when I was younger when people would yell fat comments at me or look at me and laugh. I don't like to do anything by myself. I used to not even want to go to the store by myself but I've gotten over that. Whenever I'm alone in public, I feel like everyone is staring at me and laughing even though, in reality, I know most people are not even paying attention to me and it's just my paranoia. I'm ok going for walks with my kids but this is the first time I've ever gone for a walk completely by myself. No, seriously! Apart from walking to friends' house when I was a kid. We just moved to this town almost a year ago. It's a small town and everyone seems to be pretty friendly; the type of town where people wave at you while they drive by. I just turn on my iPod and walk! I love going in the mornings when the day is brand new with the fresh air, and most people are at work so it's quiet out and not many cars. My only problem is NOT singing along with the iPod. I have a bunch of 80s songs on it and when I listen to it at home I usually sing at the top of my lungs but I can't do that in public, haha. I've been feeling great, too after going for these walks. I feel energized, my legs feel great, the fresh air feels great, I love it. At the end of next week, the kids will be done with school (ugh) so I told them that they are going to start walking with me, too. They don't mind that at all though especially if  we walk to the park and I let them play for awhile... it gets us all some exercise and fresh air. If I can just keep up with it, I think I'll do great!!

I just have to get myself over this paranoia or whatever you want to call it that I have. Always thinking that people are staring and laughing. It's like some deep seeded fear that has to be from my younger years. I have to step out of my comfort zone and put myself out there and eventually I will sincerely realize that no one is staring at me or laughing at me and if they ARE laughing at me, they are idiots that I don't give a crap about anyway.

Come On Be Happy!

This conversation happened today on my Facebook page. I almost wanted to laugh when I read that first response. It must be nice to be able to control your own mood because I sure as Hell can't. The person who responded to my post didn't respond back after my other comment. I really get annoyed with the happy go lucky people who think it's so easy to just be happy. Maybe I'm not so much annoyed with them as I am jealous? I mean, I love the feeling of being happy. I wish I could be happy every day and if I could, I would. It's not that simple for anyone who is suffering from any kind of mood disorder. I hate my bad days when I'm angry and hating everyone and everything around me or the depressed days where all I can do is cry about every. single. thing. Life just isn't that simple and yeah I had to roll my eyes at the first response to my post. It is someone from my college that doesn't know much about me at all. No one would choose to be in a bad mood and loathe their own existence, no one. I wish people would think before they open their mouth (or type) because life isn't always as simple for everyone as it may be for you. I also can't control how I respond to someone. Certain things just trigger me and either piss me off or make me cry. It's not something I can help or control nor is it something that someone who has never suffered from something like this will ever understand.

The Scales Don't Lie

I finally faced the scales today. I lost 3 lbs. I should be happy about it.. and I'm glad that I didn't gain, but that's 3 lbs in a month. That's not enough! I guess I'm going to have to really get serious and eat better on the weekends. I do good throughout the week but the weekends are bad. Everything is out of whack on the weekends. Kids are home and we always seem to have something to do or are on the go and I have a hard time making good food choices especially when it comes to eating out at restaurants. They just have so much good bad food!! I guess I gotta face it though if I want to see the scales go down faster. I bust my ass 5 days a week working out, but the calories on the weekends are going to slow everything down. Fridays are still my "free day" (and it's today, yay!) but the rest of the weekend I have to be good. I was kind of worried that the scale would go UP, just because I haven't really noticed my clothing being looser, so I'm still happy to see a decline in the number.

Food should not be my best friend, but who is? To be completely honest, I don't have anyone except for my mother. My husband is not there for me any more. My friends have just kind of blown me off (I should be used to that). I really have no one to lean on or talk to. It's depressing which only makes my depression worse! My mom and I are very close and she's trying to lose weight, too.. but I need people my own age in my life, too. Plus, my mom lives 40 minutes away so I only see her usually once on the weekends. I don't have anyone in this town to do things with or even go for walks with, apart from the kids. Some days I just feel like my life really sucks. I'm not happy with how thing are in my life right now and I have to figure out how to change things. I don't want to live like this forever but I know it's not going to change unless I do something about it.

OH, I just had to share this. So a friend of mine made a comment on his Facebook page about "nasty fat bitches".. so I left a comment just saying, "WTF".. then he IM'd me and tried explaining what he was meaning. In this amusing conversation, he said, "I'm not meaning the sweet larger girls that I know and I hope you don't think it was meant towards you". I understand he was trying to be nice but damn, "sweet larger girls".. THANKS SO MUCH, buddy!!!!

Mmmm, bacon.

Scales Are Evil.

I'm still staying away from the scales. I haven't been so super bad that I'm afraid to get on it.. I just don't want to get discouraged. I remember when I lost weight before how depressed I would get if I only lost 1 lb in a week or if I gained a pound. I would begin asking myself WHY I was busting my ass working out every day and keeping myself from all of the bad foods. I know muscle weighs more than fat but it can get discouraging when you don't get the results you want. I will weigh in one of these days just to see where I'm standing.. maybe I'll only weigh at the end of each month? I don't know. I'll figure it out though. I know my clothes are looser so that's what I'm going to go by.

I really wish I would have done this shit when I was younger. It's a lot easier to dedicate yourself to things when you don't have kids or so many freaking other responsibilities. I have so many other things to worry about in my life right now but I'm not going to give up on this. I feel soo much better when I'm working out and eating healthier. It's amazing how much of a difference exercise can make in your life. Some days I just don't want to get up and do it but I know that I will feel so much better afterwards. I have a lot more energy throughout the day when I work out in the morning. I don't think I could ever be one of those people who gets up at 5am to go workout though, that's just insanity!!

Just checking in for now. I know I haven't been posting here much but I suppose that's ok because I don't have any readers anyway, so I'm just talking to myself. Ha!!

Depression and Weight Loss

Depression has affected my life for quite a few years now. I recently wrote about my experience with Depression on my Madam Sarcasm blog. After I wrote that, I began thinking about the effects it has on me that I didn't realize it had and also how depression affects my attempts at weight loss.

One question I wonder is: Has depression always been there and was it the cause of my obesity, or am I depressed because I'm fat? OR, would the depression have been there any way whether I was fat or thin? Hmmm, things to ponder.

Most people who are overweight eat because food gives them a "high" and a sense of comfort. Depression can make weight loss harder because of the constant mood swings. I can be "up" one minute, and then "down" the next. I have bad days where I'm just sad and everything makes me cry and I need that one thing to give me some comfort: food. How do I learn to find something else to give me that same comforting feeling that won't add calories to my diet? Is this a demon that I am going to have to fight for the rest of my life?

I was reading another blog about depression a few weeks ago. This woman talked about social problems depression has caused her and that when you are depressed you can't or don't want to deal with emotions. It really made me start thinking.. a lot. I've always been extremely shy. I have gotten better as an adult but it's still there. I feel uncomfortable around people that I don't know and I always feel like people are laughing at my behind my back because I'm fat and that everyone is staring at me. I have a problem starting up conversations with strangers or even keeping up with conversations as sometimes I just can't think of anything else to say. I've always been the quiet, shy one that just stood on the sidelines watching everyone else.

This blogger talked about how we run when we are faced with a lot of emotions. I never thought of this until I read her post. For one thing, when someone cries in front of me, it's almost as if I freeze and don't know what to say or do. I know I should reach over and give them a hug and tell them it's alright but I just freeze up... except when it comes to my kids. When my husband and I argue, I also freeze up. I don't like any type of confrontation. I become tongue tied and I lose my thoughts and don't know what to say, so I usually leave the room. I have a horrible anger problem.. sometimes I am just so mad it feels like my chest is going to explode. I feel like I have rage inside of me that I don't know how to get out and when I'm pissed.. I AM PISSED! I will also say a lot of horrible things that I don't mean in the heat of an angry moment. I never thought of all of these things being a sort of disconnection due to depression. I many times don't know how to deal with my emotions whether they are angry or sad. Is there some connection with my depression and being overweight?

Has anyone else experienced real depression? 

Bad Week

I didn't weigh in on Friday and then ended up being gone all day long so didn't do my normal Friday post. Last week was... ok. I just wasn't feeling it last week. I think there comes a point where we grow tired of having to worry about calories and vegetables and carbs and exercise... that was me last week. I felt like I was starving every day.. but most of the time, even though I did eat, I tried to make healthy choices. Since I just wasn't feeling it, I decided not to weigh in because I figured if I didn't lose, it would make me feel worse. Then this weekend I was just horrible. I ate.. and ate.. and then ate some more. I ate so much CRAP yesterday from Easter and my stomach has been hurting ever since I woke up this morning. I know it's from all the junk I had yesterday .. and I know that I DESERVE to feel this bad because of all the junk I crammed into my mouth yesterday. Ugh.... but today is a new day and the start of a new week. Even though it's my birthday, I really doubt that anyone will be getting me a cake, so I don't have to worry about that. I'm going to shock my body back into healthy eating, even with all of the junk laying around the house from Easter. My stomach was hurting so badly that I didn't even work out this morning.. but I'll try to make up for it during the week, it's only Monday. I'm not going to let myself give up that easily! The kids go back to school tomorrow and things will get back to normal. I knew I would have bad weeks like this but I won't let them bring me down. I have to do this.. for me and my family.

End of March Update and Fat Acceptance

Another 2 lbs down! *phew* I was a little concerned this week because I didn't get as much exercise as I did the week before because the weather turned cold again. I tried making up for it by really pushing myself in the workouts that I did at home. I guess it worked! I'm trying to push myself more. I'm usually the type that stops as soon as it begins hurting or I get out of breath. On Wednesday, the weather was a little warmer so my oldest son and I rode our bikes to the gas station. It was really windy that day. We got half way down our street and almost turned around to come home. I noticed how difficult it was to ride in the wind.. My legs were pushing so hard and I could feel my heart racing and I was out of breath. I wasn't going to say anything though until my son stopped and said his legs hurt, lol. We discussed going back home, but we decided to keep going anyway. There were a couple times that I was super close to saying screw it, let's go back home but I didn't. I kept pushing and pushing, even though by the time we got to the gas station I thought I was going to pass out! I didn't though, and the ride home was much easier with the wind to our back. My legs felt like jello by the time we got back home though. Riding my bike is definitely great for my legs!

I was reading Fitness magazine yesterday. It said in there that if you lose more than 2 lbs a week (apart from the typical big loss at the beginning), then you are eating too little calories.. and that anything more than 2 lbs a week is not healthy (*ahem, Biggest Loser!). Soo, even though I would like to lose more than 2 lbs a week, I will take it. It's much better than losing only 1 lb or even gaining. It's just frustrating when you are my size. Two pounds a week works out to 8 pounds a month. At that pace, it would take about a year to lose 100 lbs. Of course, along the way there are going to be bigger loses once in awhile, there are going to be plateaus, and there are going to be mistakes made along the way causing maybe even a few gains. I know losing weight as quick as they do on the Biggest Loser is not healthy, but it would be a lot more motivating. I'm still good right now, I just hope I can keep the momentum. I don't have much support at all apart from my mom. She's trying to lose, too and is doing great. She gave up pop completely (can you imagine!?) and hasn't had one in almost a month! Other than that, I don't have any support. I have friends that may tell me good job if I mention that I've lost, but I don't have any other weight loss partners or someone to cheer me on and for me to cheer on. I need a weight loss buddy, damn it!! My husband is no support at all. He's happy with me the way I am and is always bringing junk food home. Even when I mention that I've lost 30 lbs, he says nothing. *sigh*. I'll just have to prove that I can get through this on my own!

Fat acceptance. Is it for others to accept fat people? What about fat people accepting that they are fat? Is a fat person every truly happy with themselves? Are they confident? Maybe a few, but most are like me. Disgusted by what they see in the mirror, embarrassed, humiliated, and miserable. Most of us don't want to be fat but it's an unaccepted addiction that anyone who has never had a weight problem can ever understand. It's more than just eating healthy and exercise; the mind can be a powerful thing.

What Would You Do??

Down another 2 lbs this week! Yahoo! and that's with me being bad a few times. I did get my bike out this week and went on a few bike rides with the kids on top of my regular exercise routine. I really love riding my bike but I have to give it a rest for a few days because my butt hurts! We even got one of those bigger more comfortable seats on the bike but it still hurts. Ahh well. The exercise is making me feel sooo good mentally and physically plus my kids love that I'm getting out and doing things with them. It's almost as if I'm becoming addicted to exercising. I hate just sitting around.. I feel like I'm being lazy so I'm always thinking of things to do.. go for a walk, a bike ride, play Just Dance on the wii or what?? Even though the numbers on the scale have been moving slower than I would like them to, my clothes have been looser. My mother in law asked me last weekend if I've lost weight which made me feel good. She's always been super thin, never had a weight problem but a lot of her family does and she is very understanding about it.

One thing I've been doing to help with portion control is to use a small plate instead of the normal big plate. Even though I know it's less food, I don't feel as if I'm starving or wanting more. I feel satisfied with the small plate so that is what I am going to keep on doing.

Did anyone watch, "What Would You Do?" last week? Their skit for last week was at a higher end clothing store, and they had two women walk in together; one was thin, the other was bigger. The saleswoman (an actress) was rude to the bigger girl telling her that, "we don't have anything that will fit you", "we don't sell double digit sizes".. They did this to see how other people would react and if anyone would stick up for the heavier girl. I was surprised at how many women yelled at the sales woman for being so rude. All of the women that were sticking up for the bigger girl were thin but yet they were soo angry at this sales women. A couple of them were even getting emotional about it. It kind of changed the way that I look at others and how I think people are looking at me. When I'm out, especially at a clothing store, I feel like the thinner people in the store are looking at me or laughing because I am in the PLUS section.. but maybe some of them would even stick up for me??

Oh, and I didn't get a call back about the job interview last week.. *cries* . I'm sick about it. I really wanted this job!!!!!! I sincerely hope it wasn't because of my little embarrassing incident that happened but I will really never know. Maybe someone was more qualified or had experience.. I don't know... but it's depressing. I need a job desperately. I need a job for one, because of money. We are just barely scraping by on my husband's pay check so me working would be wonderful. I do work from home, but I don't make much.. not even half as much as I used to.  Plus, I want out of the house. I've been working from home for the past 6 1/2 years. The kids are all in school now and I'm tired of being stuck at home.. I want to get out of the house and talk to people!

My Embarrassing Interview (and Update)

I've actually had a good week! I didn't eat much over the weekend.. really didn't have an appetite and both days probably had less than 1000 calories (not on purpose.. just wasn't feeling too well). The weather this week has been beautiful. Since Tuesday it has been in the 70s. Tuesday, when the kids got home from school, we took the dog and walked around the local reservoir. The kids were complaining more than I was, "my legs hurt.. my feet are tired".. Really??? You guys are thin and healthy, shut up!!! The walk felt good and when we got home the dog ran to get a drink of water and then pretty much collapsed on the floor (he needs to lose some weight, too). Wednesday, my twins go to a kids club thing at school after school for an hour, but my oldest doesn't go.. so when he got home, he and I walked around the neighborhood. Then yesterday morning, before lunch I took the dog for another walk around the reservoir. I'm loving the weather and these walks! I had a job interview on Wedsnesday. I have these pair of nice dress pants I wear to interviews. I don't wear them often because they are usually uncomfortably tight.. but I put them on and didn't even have to struggle to zip them up.. they are comfortable now! Yeah!!!... I was excited to step on the scale this morning because I knew I did good all week. The results: a one pound loss. *sigh*. Yes, I know any loss is good.. but ONE freaking pound?? It was disappointing, but I'm still not giving up. My clothing is motivating me to keep going. The energy I'm gaining is motivating me to keep going. I even dreamt about becoming thin in my sleep the other night! I've never done that before. I actually have this feeling that it's going to stick this time. I hope nothing comes around to mess it all up for me. I won't let that happen. I already feel so much better about myself.. well.. for the most part....

------------------------------

So Wednesday, I had a job interview. It was at a hospital working in the ICU. I was SUPER excited to get this interview. I had to go to the HR department first and wait for the ICU dept. head to come and get me. She was a very nice lady. We had to walk around and around and then up to the second floor. But, she decides it's easier to just take the stairs instead of the elevator. Of course, you know, in buildings like that, a floor usually consists of two stair cases instead of just one. At least it was only one floor.. but between being over weight and the chest congestion I still have from being sick a few weeks ago, I was out of breath when we got to the top. She walked me around the nurses area, showing me everything, while I'm trying to catch my breath and NOT act like I'm suffocating! We go into her office where it was nice and quiet and I was trying to stifle my heavy breathing, trying to take quiet deep breaths until my body calmed down. She was looking through paperwork so she wasn't paying much attention to me, but come on, she's an RN, I'm sure she noticed my breathing! I was sooo humiliated and embarrassed and disgusted!! Once I caught my breath, the rest of the interview went well. She did ask me about how my energy level was because it was a super crazy busy job. I tried to play it up like I'm full of energy and always ready to tackle any task given to me, but did she ask me that because I couldn't even walk up the stairs without huffing like a fucking horse? As she walked me out, she jokingly said that going down the stairs was easier than going up. I didn't know if she was just saying that as conversation or if she was meaning because I was so out of breath earlier? Am I just being paranoid? Now, If I don't get the job, I'm going to be convinced it was because of my fatness. ... This is one experience that has just motivated me more to keep going with this. I'm still young and shouldn't have a problem going up and down steps! One stair case would have been alright, but two of them took my breath away, literally.

Please, PLEASE keep your fingers, toes, arms, legs, boobs, whatever you can cross, crossed for me to get this job. It would be a freakin AWESOME job that I think I would just LOVE, plus it pays GOOD.. and we need it badly. I'm going to call and check in with the hiring woman later on today.

Up and Down, Up and Down

So last week I gained 2 lbs, and this week I lost 2 lbs. I'm glad I lost, but I'm at the same weight I was 3 freaking weeks ago! I've been working out every day and watching what I eat, it should be more than that, wtcrap? Ugh. It's starting to get frustrating but I am not ready to give up yet. I know that I wasn't perfect this week, but I wasn't super bad, either.

I was proud of myself earlier today though. My mom and I went out to lunch today. I didn't exactly order healthy. I did have a grilled chicken sandwich covered with onions (and some cheese.. mmmm) and onion rings that I split with my mom. The onion rings had no flavor, so I only ate a couple of them, and I got full half way through my sandwich, so I left it there on my plate. I never do that! Usually I stuff myself until I'm sick because I don't want to waste anything. I ate less than half of what was on my plate, yayyy mee! and I didn't feel like I was missing out.

I have noticed that I am getting further along in the workout video that I have before I feel like I'm going to fall over dead. Even though I don't really like the workout, it feels good that I am getting better at it because it means that my fitness level is getting better and that is super important to me.

Some days I look in the mirror and think my face looks thinner and other days not so much. Maybe I should start taking some pictures of myself like on a monthly basis. I'll think on that one. I don't like photos of myself but no one else would see them except me to compare, at least until I lose a significant amount of weight and want to show it off. I've always wondered though, since I've been overweight my whole life and have always loathed my reflection in the mirror, will I still see myself as being fat if I lost 100 lbs? Would my vision of myself still be distorted? Or would I be able to accept my accomplishments and learn to like what I see in the mirror? I hear stories all the time of people losing a large amount of weight but they still think they are fat just because their mind is so screwed up. I want to like what I see in the mirror and be happy with who I am.

Inspiration

(this pic was posted on the Bob Harper FB page)

Amazing! and she looks hot in those boots!!!

A Blah Kinda Day

Hello, my name is Deanna and I am a food addict. There, I said it! I weighed myself this morning after not weighing for two weeks and gained 2 lbs! WTF?? I know I haven't been perfect, but I have still cut way back on my calories and overeating, plus been working out 5 days a week. I did eat a lot of salty foods yesterday, so I'm probably retaining water. I'm kinda sad about it, but I'm trying to talk myself out of it and not get discouraged. I'm feeling so much better just from losing 30 lbs, I don't want to go back to my old ways and gain that 30 lbs back. I'm still going to keep working out as much as I can. I'm just gonna have to control my eating better. Why is this such a struggle for me? If the food is put in front of me, I will eat it... and I have a family to feed, so I can't just stay away from food! I have to make it! I have to work on portions and stopping myself when I get full instead of making myself eat the entire thing. I don't know what happened that I have it ingrained in my head that I have to eat it all. I don't know if it was a babysitter I had when I was little who always made me eat everything? I don't remember everything so I can't be for sure. I remember bits and pieces of her making me eat. She was an evil old hag, too!

I always feel like I have to eat it all. If we go to a restaurant, I feel like I have to eat it all because it won't be as good warmed up later. If we order pizza and I know there is still some left over in the box, I just keep thinking about it, even when I'm not hungry. What fucked up my head this way? Food should be about nourishment and getting energy, not enjoyment. We shouldn't get a euphoric "high" from eating food, it should just be a part of our daily life like taking a shower and brushing our teeth. Even when my stomach is full, I sometimes still reach for more. I have been better about sticking with only eating what is on my plate and not going back for seconds, but it's still a struggle. Do I need help to get past this addiction? Do I need support from friends and family? I really don't have much support apart from my mom. My husband and I have kind of drifted apart the past few months. I mention once in awhile about me losing weight, but he doesn't say anything, no compliment or anything. If I lived in my hometown, I would have a few friends there to get together with and work through this with but since we moved to a different town, it's a 40 minute drive so it's not like we can get a workout group together or something.

I'm just having a blah kinda day today. Woke up tired and just feel lazy. Yes, I feel LAZY today. Do you ever have lazy days? I just feel blah, and want to just relax a little bit today and not have to stress over getting shit done. I hate days like these and I hope tomorrow is better!

My sarcasm for the day!

Did You Survive Fat Tuesday?

Ugh, the past week hasn't been too great. First I was sick, then my monthly enemy friend showed up. I decided that I'm not going to weigh on shark week (I love calling it that!), for a few reasons. First of all, I don't exercise much during that time because I sometimes get realllly bad cramps, the type that hurt even when I'm just sitting! Plus, my eating gets all out of wack and I get all bloated and crappy. I decided to skip that week of weighing so that if the number goes up or I don't lose, I won't get too discouraged. That's not saying that I have a "freebie" week though. I've still been trying to exercise and control what I eat. Although, I lost control a few times this week. *sigh*

Something strange happened earlier this week. I hadn't exercised in about 4 days because of being sick and having cramps. I was feeling almost lost without working out. I actually WANTED to workout and I got up and did it! and have done it every day since. I think exercising is turning into a habit for me. I feel so much better on the days that I work out in the mornings. It gives me more energy during the day and I just feel better about myself. Yeah! .. I have done the workout video a few times that I won in a giveaway, but I don't like it too much. It's just not exciting. I used to do Turbo Jam and a Biggest Loser video when I lost weight before. I loved Turbo Jam! It was difficult at first but after awhile I was able to do the entire workout and it felt so good!

How many of you would be offended by this? *raises hand*. At first glance, I would be offended by it.. but how many overweight people are too ashamed to admit that it's true? Unless you have some sort of metabolism or thyroid problem or a medical reason that you are overweight, you eat too much! I admit it. I love food! It relaxes me and it's almost like a "high". I'm not one of those people that you see on TV who eats like 5 bowls of cereal every morning along with 10 eggs and 10 slices of bacon. I don't eat like THAT.. but I used to eat until I was stuffed to the gil. I would eat so much that I couldn't breathe. This is the hardest thing for me to overcome. I can add exercise into my life, no problem. Controlling what and how much I eat is a big problem. My brain is programmed to eat everything on my plate, even if I'm stuffed. Even if it means that I feel sick afterwards. How many of you are addicted to food?? Admit it, here and now!

What can we do to overcome this addiction? It's worse than drug addiction or alcohol addiction in my opinion. We have to be around food every day and everywhere we go. We can't just quit eating cold turkey and never look at another piece of pizza again. We HAVE to deal with it. We have to stop our thoughts before we let them take control of our mouths. I think this is when we should remind ourselves of WHAT we are doing this for! Remind ourselves of our health, of our kids, of the fun things we want to do when we are smaller. That stuff is so much more important than pigging out. We have to figure out how to re-train our brain. Any ideas??

So Far, So Good... What's Next??

I had a bunch of things to write about this week, but now I'm feeling like poop and haven't done a thing for the past 3 days. I think I have another sinus infection. My head hurts, my face hurts, I can't stop coughing. UGH! I tried to exercise as much as I could but yesterday I decided I should probably put working out on hold until I get rid of this crap.

I did lose another 2lbs this week! I was hoping for more, but any loss is still a loss, plus I know I missed a few workouts. I was kind of bad last weekend, too. I'm going to attempt to be more in control of what I stuff my face with this weekend. Weekends are always the worst for me because we are always busy. I have a routine during the day.. when I get out of my routine, it screws everything up! I love routine. As of right now, I can't even taste anything so really have no reason to want to eat junk if I can't even taste it. It seems like a waste if you can't taste it, right??

I always seem to do pretty good during the week. Like I said, I get on a routine, and the odd thing is, I really don't feel very hungry. I don't find myself craving things. I think one thing that helps is allowing myself one "cheat" day... mine is Friday. Gives me something to look forward to during the week. I think it's better to have one day a week that you are allowed to cheat (within reason.. and not to the point of making yourself sick!) than to just lose control and eat, eat, and eat until you forget the whole idea of losing weight or getting healthy! You can lose weight without never being able to eat pizza again. It's all about moderation. Eat 1 slice of pizza instead of 3, or get a kids meal instead of the regular jumbo sized portion. Thin people eat pizza and ice cream, too (well, most of them do), they just don't eat the entire container in one night all by themself!

I've also noticed that I don't stuff myself as much... without even thinking about it! When I used to eat, I would eat until my stomach was stretched to its limits and writhe in pain thinking about how stupid I am. Once I began getting healthy, I had to stop and remind myself to put down the fork as soon as my stomach began feeling full. I've noticed lately that I don't even have to think about it, I just stop. I think these are steps in the right direction! I see my next goal coming into my reach!

My Pants Are Falling Off!

I wore a pair of jeans today that I bought a few months ago. They were comfy.. not to loose, not too tight. Every time I stand up today I have to pull them up. Woohoo for me!! I also weighed myself again this morning. Down 9 lbs since last week. So last week's gain had to be due to water retention. I'm really not good at watching my sodium. I usually don't add much salt to food, but I don't stay away from foods that are already salty. Thankfully, my blood pressure medication helps me to get rid of it.. but I don't plan on being on the medication forever. I'm hoping once I get some more weight off, I can go off of the medication. Oh, but I DID meet my first goal! I got one pound below a certain number (still not willing to share my weight)... so now I'm figuring out what my next goal is go be. I've lost a total of 29 lbs so far!!!!!!!

When I lost weight a few years ago, I bought smaller sized jeans. It was such a great feeling to be able to fit into pants that were 4 sizes smaller.. but the last time I put them on, I had to lie on the bed to get the zipper up.. and they made me sooo uncomfortable I couldn't breathe, not to mention that they pushed my muffin top out further! I put them away and didn't know if I'd be able to wear them again. I'm contemplating getting them out and trying them on again, but I'm scared to. I think I'll wait a few more weeks, lol.

My week went really well, I worked out almost every day and I ate healthily most days. My lunches consisted of celery with a little bit of peanut butter and a piece of cheese. Oddly enough, I didn't feel as if I were being deprived or like I was starving. I went out to lunch with my mom today and could only eat half of it. I think I'm getting there. I'm very determined right now and I hope it stays this way. I've been like this before, super determined to do it right, then something happens along the way and I give up or I just grow tired of worrying about what I'm eating or working out. I should remind myself that worrying about that stuff is a lot better than worrying about my health problems and not seeing my kids grow up!!

I can't wait until others begin noticing my weight loss. My husband hasn't said one word about it, but then he sees me every day so probably doesn't notice it.. plus, I don't even think he bothers to look at me. ... It's always nice when others notice and comment on the weight loss. I'm going to become the incredible shrinking fat lady! Speaking of fat lady, I started writing a book. It's something I've wanted to do for awhile, but never taken the time to start it. I don't know how often I'll get to work on it, so it may take years to finish, but I'm going to do it. It's about my life and growing up as the "fat girl". Hopefully, it will have a happy ending with me shedding some major pounds so that I can put a before and after photo at the end! yeah!

I'm still looking for a cheering squad! If anyone else is trying to lose weight or has lost weight, leave me a comment and let me know. Maybe we could start our own little cheering squad to help one another. Come on, I know some of you are out there! Raise your hands!!!!

Pizza Is The Devil

I thought I did pretty good this week. I worked out every day, even twice yesterday because I played Just Dance with my kids last night, too! I had a few slip ups with eating, but I wasn't super worried about it. I wasn't sure if I was going to weigh in this week or if I was going to wait til next week. I decided to weigh myself at like 3am when I went to the bathroom.. and it said I was 5 lbs more than I was last Friday? What the crap?? Only thing I can think of is that I think I forgot to take my BP medication yesterday and it helps me to get rid of any retained water. This is one reason I wasn't sure about weighing in every week. Yes, it gives me something to look forward to and focus on every week, but on weeks like this when the scale goes in the wrong direction, I don't want to get discouraged and give up. I'm not going to though. I still worked out this morning and I really pushed myself!

My biggest saboteur right now is Pizza. It's my favorite food, has been since I was a kid and my mom said she craved pizza when she was pregnant with me. If there is leftover pizza, I have to eat it, knowing that it's out there in the fridge. This is what I need to work on. I'm not going to deprive myself of foods that I love, I just need to learn to not pig out on it. I can have a little of it along with something healthy. I just have to remind myself of that when pizza is around! It's my weakness, hands down.

I got some real inspiration the other day watching the first episode of My 600lb Life on TLC. This first woman weight over 600 lbs and had the gastric bypass surgery and lost over 500 lbs! She had to have a lot of surgeries though to get rid of all of the excess skin. I'm not going to get surgery, but it still inspired me to see someone sooo HUGE down to less than 200 lbs. Can you imagine how different that would feel? To go from a body that is soo uncomfortable you can barely walk, down to a thin body that can do anything? I always thought that I was just a fat person. My mom is heavy, her mom was heavy. It's in our genes, and in our jeans. I kinda just thought it was impossible to lose so much weight and ever be considered thin. I just never thought it was possible for me because I've been big since I was about 5 or 6 years old. It's all I know. I don't want to be the fat girl any more. Even when I lost 45 lbs a few years ago, I still felt fat because I still WAS over weight. It just seems like it would take sooo long to lose it all. When I first started this blog, it was the beginning of 2007. That's when I lost 45 lbs. Now, when I think back, I think, if I had just stuck with it, I would be thin now.

When I watch the Biggest Loser and weight loss shows, it always seems that the person has had some sort of traumatic experience that made them turn to food. I don't think I have something so traumatic that made me like this. I think I was just raised that way. When I was a kid, my mom and I lived on mac and cheese, hot dogs, fried chicken, mashed potatoes, and fast food. If something good happened to one of us, we would reward ourselves with food. If we had a bad day, let's order pizza. It's that comforting feeling that food brings to me.. and it's almost as if I don't feel satisfied until my stomach is so stuffed that I can't breathe! How do I stop this?

This is Melissa on GMA standing behind the skirt she once wore. Amazing.

After All This Time....

I'm back! It's been a long time since I've posted in this blog. I lost interest in it awhile ago, but now I have decided to resurrect it (as if my.other 3 blogs don't keep me busy enough). I've come a long ways since the very beginning of this blog. It originally started out as strictly a weight loss blog, then I sort of broadened it and began posting about my depression and working on my self esteem. I'm still going to do that. I don't know how often I will be able to post here but I will try my hardest to post when I can.

Where am I now? Well, since I last posted here, my husband and I moved into our own house last year, I also graduated college, but I'm still job hunting :o(   . I did my externship at a Physician's Weight Loss Center, ironically enough. I learned a whole lot there about weight loss and how to eat better. I got to use the program for free while I was there as an extern. When I weighed myself on their scale, I was shocked and embarrassed to see how high I let my weight get again, after I lost 45 lbs. I gained it all back, PLUS some. Disgusting. I lost 14 lbs while I was there. I weighed in every day and my supervisor kept on my ass about what I ate, lol, so I lost while I was there, but of course, after I left, I kinda stopped. At the same time I was working there, I also got put on blood pressure medication by my doctor because it was running too high. I've been trying off and on since then to lose weight, but haven't put a whole lot of effort into it. I was shocked when I got on the scale this morning and saw that I have lost a total of 24 lbs since I was at the weight loss center. Yeaahhh! I still have a long ways to go, but that really gives me a kick in the butt to keep up with it. I'd like to be able to get off of the b.p. medication. I also noticed that the pair of jeans I put on today are loose on me and they used to be the kind that I had to suck in my stomach just to zip up.

As it stands right now, I'm trying not to concentrate so much on losing pounds, but more on improving myself and my health. Some of the main things I'm trying to work on is to CONTROL MY FOOD ADDICTION! I've been making small steps, like if I begin thinking about having a snack, I think to myself, "you don't NEED it". It's mind over matter and I need to control what I put in my mouth and how I think about food. I'm also trying to eat better foods and less junk foods/carbs.. I'm trying to make little steps this time in the hopes that I can stick with it and slowly reach my goal.

I don't expect to be skinny, but not being HUGE would make me happy. I'm still not going to post my weight. Not yet. I'm still embarrassed of the number, but I'm hoping that I will make enough progress that I will be proud to say, "I used to weigh THIS much, but now look!"

I may also post some motivational stories, photos, or quotes because some times these things really do help.

I probably lost all of my readers a long time ago, but I"m back. Leave me a comment if you are around and say hello! I'm always looking for a weight loss partner.. just to check in with each other and keep each other motivated! Leave a comment if you are interested.

Oh and here is a motivational photo that Bob Harper posted on Facebook. I love these pics, it shows me that it really IS possible to lose it without going on a TV show! I don't know who this gal is, but she looks amazing!!!