Well.. there goes that!

Soo, about a week ago I started noticing something odd happening. Whenever I did any sort of activity, even as little as taking a shower or washing dishes I noticed my heart would start racing and I would get short of breath and have mild heart palpitations! I also had noticed that whenever I was stressed or rushing to get something done my hands would start to shake. I assumed it was a side effect of the Prozac. Hoping that the doctor would give me something for the side effects I went back to the doctor a few days ago. He said we COULD wait it out a few weeks to see if they go away but they most likely wont. He is weening me off of the Prozac and then I'm going on Effexor. *sigh* I'm very disappointed. The Prozac was really helping me mentally! My mood swings were almost completely gone and I didn't cry all of the time! I felt content! Now I'm scared that the Effexor wont work as well. Although I do know someone who was on Effexor and it helped him tremendously. I'm just worried about having other side effects like I had with the Cymbalta before like the exhaustion and migraines. Grrr.. I'm getting frustrated, I just want something that will help me but now hurt the rest of my body!!

I also want to say thank you to everyone who left a comment on my last post about affection. Seems so far that everyone is in agreeance with me.. except for my husband. He just doesn't get it. I told him last night that if he is not able to show his own wife any kind of affection then there is something wrong with him. It's not ME over reacting about it! It's him! .. I've asked him WHY he doesn't want to show me affection and he has no answer. Just that "it's not important" to him.. but it always has been before! I told him that if things don't change and SOON that I can't stay here like this... and this time it will be for GOOD. I deserve happiness. I know I haven't been perfect in our marriage but I'm fixing what I believe needs to be fixed.. I deserve to be treated like a wife, not a room mate. I guess I have a big decision ahead of me.. It's just hard with the kids because I know it will cause so much stress on them if we get a divorce but I also know that I can't be the best mother I can be being so unhappy like this.

Is affection important in a relationship??

I'm hoping that I can get some reader input here... from both males AND females.

Let me give you a little background.. as I've mentioned before, my husband and I are currently in marriage counseling. We have been separated two times now and got back together at the end of the summer. Although most things are going well, my biggest complaint right now is no affection. When we first got back together there was a little bit of affection but really not much. When I asked my husband about it he said at first it was because we had just gotten back together and things were a little awkward.. and to just give him time. Well, I gave him time, lots of it.. but the affection became less instead of more! When we started to go to counseling I talked to the therapist about it. At first he told me that I should just ASK for affection. If i want a hug or a kiss.. just ask. I told him that it was a bit uncomfortable for me to ask after getting NO affection from him but he told me that sometimes we have to do things that make us uncomfortable.. or else the problem wont change! Soo, I did that. Even though it was a bit uncomfortable after everything, I started to ask him for a hug or a kiss. He obliged.. but only when I asked. I finally realized that I only got any kind of affection when I asked. If I didnt ask, I got nothing.. I finally gave up. Why should I put all of the effort into it and he put nothing into it?? I mean I get NO affection. I get no, "i love you", i get no goodbye kiss, no hugs, no cuddles, no flirts, NADA! I feel like I have a room mate, not a husband!... At our last counseling sesson, the counselor was more or less taking HIS side.. saying that back in the 1950's men didn't show their wives affection. Going to work and supporting the family was enough showing of "love".. and that him going to work every day should be enough for me.. Well, I work, too.. and he would still work even if I wasn't here!!.. and it's 2009 not 1950!

Now, I realize that some people are just not affectionate people. My husband has always been very affectionate with me. I never had to ASK.. he just was! He always wanted to cuddle with me.. always held my hand when we were out somewhere, wouldn't leave without telling me he loves me and giving me a kiss goodbye. I just don't understand the sudden change. Now he tries to say that he is just "not an affectionate person".. but he always has been! He says he loves me and he wants me to stay but he doesn't even act like he is the slightest bit attracted to me! I feel invisible here.. feel like I'm just here to be the maid and take care of the kids while he is at work! I asked him, how am I supposed to feel secure in our marriage after everything that has happened when he doesn't even act like he is attracted to me? He knows how much this is hurting me but he is not making any kind of effort. He says he doesn't know WHY he doesn't feel that affection is important any more. I know he has his own issues as I've mentioned before. I think he has some attachment issues. So far, none of HIS problems have been addressed.. it's all been about ME.. and I've been made to feel like I am over reacting to the no affection thing. However, everyone I have talked to feels the same as me. I even did some online research on how important affection is and everything I've read states that affection is important. Hell, I've watched 65 yr old married couples be more affection than my husband is! It hurts.. a lot. I'm not happy here. I don't feel loved here... but yet he still begs me to say? I just don't understand it...

So anyway, my question to all of you is: "Do you think affection is important in a relationship?". Please leave me a comment and tell me what you think!!

Bad day today...

Having a bad day today. Christmas got me a bit depressed this year. Ever since I had my kids I've loved Christmas and have always been very excited about it! This year just seemed different. I wasn't as excited as normal. Then the closer it got I started to remember LAST Christmas and how happy I was. Things seemed to be going wonderfully for my husband and I.. almost perfect in my eyes. This year it's just the complete opposite. I enjoyed watching my kids' faces with their gifts but that is about the only thing I enjoyed.

Then today we had an appointment with our Marriage Therapist. I always feel drained after one of our sessions but today was just the worst. I feel like I'm being attacked and blamed for everything.. even by the therapist! I know that my problems are SOME of OUR problems, but not all of them! I'm being told that my depression is part of the problem. Now I'm being told that I'm too controlling and that is part of the problem. I mean, so far, it's all been MY problems and what I am doing wrong and NOTHING about my husband! Like he just sits back like he's soo f'n innocent. Now I'm just feeling like the most horrible person on the planet. I feel like I'm the one being blamed for all of our marriage problems. I've always thought of myself as being ugly on the outside but beautiful on the inside.. now I feel like I'm ugly on the outside AND Inside.. and feel like Im just.. unlovable. Am I really that terrible?? I feel like it. I feel like I just want to crawl under a rock and die right now.

The Prozac HAS been helping though. Before all of this happened I was just feeling calm and content on it. I noticed that I wasn't getting upset as easily over things. I wasn't crying all of the time... I've had no side effects from it at all. I'm very happy about how much it is helping.. but it's things like this.. I guess it is called circumstantial depression that no medication can help. I mean, for what I'm going through right now I don't think that anyone would NOT feel depressed.

Interested in Online Schools??

As some of you may know, over the past summer I enrolled in an online school to obtain my Associate's Degree to be a Veterinary Technician. At the ripe old age of ?? (left out purposely, lol) I decided that it was time for me to take some control over my life and my financial situation. I want to do something important with my life! Going to college was something I had talked about doing for quite awhile. I knew it would be difficult for me to do because it would be hard for me to have a babysitter for the kids and to drive so far so often to go to school. I started researching online schools and it really got me excited!

I'm sure a lot of you are like me and wonder how exactly an online school works? Well, I can tell you how Penn Foster works. First of all, I want to mention the tuition. Tuition for online schools is quite a bit less than a typical brick and mortor school. Penn Foster has monthly payment options that you can choose to do if you can't afford all of it upfront. You just have to have it paid off before they will issue you your degree.

You have one year to finish one semester. So far, the first semester of my course includes Physical Exam., Restraint, Behavior, Computers, Biology, Medical Math and a few others. They send you one subject at a time. You have as much time as you want to read through the books and take the exam. You do the exam online and as long as you pass they will then ship out your next subject!

They have online classes which is basically like a chatroom where the professor types out what he would say in a typical class lecture. They also show slides on the screen to go along with the lecture. You have a chance to ask the professor questions and he/she will answer it!

They have forums where you can discuss things with other students taking the same courses. You can ask about school work or trade class notes... etc. You have to spend a lot of time on the forums and they consider that to be "class participation".

At the end of the semester you will take your Proctor Exams. I've not taken these yet but have heard that they are essay questions, all exams have to be done in the presence of a "proctor" and the exams can take up to 6 hours to complete (in one day!). The Vet. course classes are taken closed book while the non Vet. classes are open book.

After your second and fourth semester you are required to do a "Practicum" which is working in a vet's office being taught certain procedures and practices for so many hours.

I really like the fact that I can do my work when I have time! With 3 young kids and working it's hard to be able to squeeze in quiet time for me to study! I don't have to worry about having a deadline I can just do it when I can. The payments are low and is something I can afford right NOW. I know they will have to be paid off before I can get my degree but I have a long time to plan and save ahead for that!

I think online schools are a great option for someone like me who has a very busy schedule to follow. I'm glad that I took the first step to change my life!

Positive Thinking??

I've been on Prozac for about 3 weeks now. I'm on 20 mgs now. It is kind of hard for me to tell how much of a difference it is making just because I have been sick for the past 2 1/2 weeks! Cold, cough, sore throat, stuffy, runny nose! I am on an antibiotic and was feeling better but now the last few days I've been having a stuffy runny nose again however I'm starting to think it's just sinus problems this time. Still makes me feel like poop though! Grrrrr.. After 2 1/2 weeks I'm tired of feeling like crap every day!

I have not noticed any bad side effects at all. I have noticed that I'm not AS emotional as I normally am. I've actually not cried in quite awhile! Even when watching something sad on TV I'm not fighting back tears like I normally would. I hope that's a good sign then?.. I've also noticed that some of the little things don't bother me as much.. I can kind of just blow them off and forget about them. BUT, that could also be because I feel like crap and don't care???

We had a marriage counseling session yesterday and I actually learned a lot. The therapist is trying to teach me how to think differently to help control my emotions. He explained it like this: if you are out somewhere and someone bumps into you without saying excuse me or apologizing how do you react? Do you get mad and say, "hey asshole what's your problem??".. most people would.. I would, lol! You can stop negative thoughts with positive thoughts.. or by saying to yourself, "they must have had a bad day" or "it's not my fault they are in a bad mood".. and just move on! When dealing with other people it helps to remember that you can not control other people's emotions.. if someone is angry or upset it is not YOUR fault. The hard part is actually changing your way of thinking. After years and years of thinking a certain way it's hard to retrain your brain to think positively! .. But I'm working on it.