Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Is affection important in a relationship??
I'm hoping that I can get some reader input here... from both males AND females.
Let me give you a little background.. as I've mentioned before, my husband and I are currently in marriage counseling. We have been separated two times now and got back together at the end of the summer. Although most things are going well, my biggest complaint right now is no affection. When we first got back together there was a little bit of affection but really not much. When I asked my husband about it he said at first it was because we had just gotten back together and things were a little awkward.. and to just give him time. Well, I gave him time, lots of it.. but the affection became less instead of more! When we started to go to counseling I talked to the therapist about it. At first he told me that I should just ASK for affection. If i want a hug or a kiss.. just ask. I told him that it was a bit uncomfortable for me to ask after getting NO affection from him but he told me that sometimes we have to do things that make us uncomfortable.. or else the problem wont change! Soo, I did that. Even though it was a bit uncomfortable after everything, I started to ask him for a hug or a kiss. He obliged.. but only when I asked. I finally realized that I only got any kind of affection when I asked. If I didnt ask, I got nothing.. I finally gave up. Why should I put all of the effort into it and he put nothing into it?? I mean I get NO affection. I get no, "i love you", i get no goodbye kiss, no hugs, no cuddles, no flirts, NADA! I feel like I have a room mate, not a husband!... At our last counseling sesson, the counselor was more or less taking HIS side.. saying that back in the 1950's men didn't show their wives affection. Going to work and supporting the family was enough showing of "love".. and that him going to work every day should be enough for me.. Well, I work, too.. and he would still work even if I wasn't here!!.. and it's 2009 not 1950!
Now, I realize that some people are just not affectionate people. My husband has always been very affectionate with me. I never had to ASK.. he just was! He always wanted to cuddle with me.. always held my hand when we were out somewhere, wouldn't leave without telling me he loves me and giving me a kiss goodbye. I just don't understand the sudden change. Now he tries to say that he is just "not an affectionate person".. but he always has been! He says he loves me and he wants me to stay but he doesn't even act like he is the slightest bit attracted to me! I feel invisible here.. feel like I'm just here to be the maid and take care of the kids while he is at work! I asked him, how am I supposed to feel secure in our marriage after everything that has happened when he doesn't even act like he is attracted to me? He knows how much this is hurting me but he is not making any kind of effort. He says he doesn't know WHY he doesn't feel that affection is important any more. I know he has his own issues as I've mentioned before. I think he has some attachment issues. So far, none of HIS problems have been addressed.. it's all been about ME.. and I've been made to feel like I am over reacting to the no affection thing. However, everyone I have talked to feels the same as me. I even did some online research on how important affection is and everything I've read states that affection is important. Hell, I've watched 65 yr old married couples be more affection than my husband is! It hurts.. a lot. I'm not happy here. I don't feel loved here... but yet he still begs me to say? I just don't understand it...
So anyway, my question to all of you is: "Do you think affection is important in a relationship?". Please leave me a comment and tell me what you think!!