Last days of July....

Ok, it's update time again! How has everyone done this week? I did pretty good for the week. Worked out 5 days and really pushed myself during the workouts. Did good with my eating most of the week. Weekend wasn't too bad, could have been better. Our weekends are always sooo busy that's why we end up eating out so much. We are either in the car or just too tired! We did eat out a lot but I was sure to stop eating once I started feeling full. That's another of my problems. I want to finish all of my food even if I'm feeling full and then I end up feeling sick because I ate so much! So how is everyone else in the challenge been? Any weight loss or inches lost updates? I havent weighed myself since the last time when i got so upset..I MIGHT weigh sometime this week..but we'll see. I need to measure myself again one of these days, too.... We'd love to have some new challenge members so feel free to join here!! Just post comments!

I just found out yesterday that my grandmother has cancer. She had a lump in her neck removed a week and a half ago and the doctor confirmed that it was cancer. She said she's trying not to worry about it too much and she's putting on a good face, but I'm sure she is scared to death. She has lived a very long life (she turned 94 in march) and has been in great health...but we know with her age regardless of the cancer or not she wont be around forever. Because of her age there's really not much they can do about the cancer, either. So I'm just hoping she wont be in much pain.

Shaq's Big Challenge

I have been following the Shaq's Weight Loss Challenge TV show since it started. Although I do think it's a great thing to get kids to lose weight I do want to vent about a few things regarding the show!

First, I think that Shaq is obviously doing it for publicity. He makes snarky little comments about "big people" and he doesn't do crap to help the kids! He just goes and does his little publicity things while he has other people working with the kids. He's always making comments about being a "star". His head is way too big to be doing a show like that. I honestly don't think he cares that much about obese children, I think he just wants the publicity because where has he been for the last 5 years? I know I haven't heard anything about him!

I know he's fighting to implement Phys Ed. into every school but I hardly think that is going to fix the problem! I wrote a blog post about Phys Ed class in my other blog Rants In My Pants awhile ago. Gym class for an overweight kid is horrible! When you are the fat kid you are always the last one to finish and always the last one to be picked for teams not to mention usually the fat kid is made fun of in gym class. Shaq doesn't understand how low an overweight person's self esteem is and what kind of affect it can have on someone. My school required gym class up through 10th grade. I hated it! I would make up every excuse in the book to get out of it. I forgot my gym clothes or it was that time of month and I wasn't feeling good, anything I could think of. It wasn't because I was just being lazy it was because I just didn't want to deal with the other kids. I somehow managed to be very UNlucky because when I had gym class NONE of my friends were ever in MY class. I was always stuck with the jocks and "preps" (what we called them back in the day, lol). I was sooo happy when I didn't have to suffer through Gym Class ever again! Guess what though? We had gym class required and there were still fat kids at my school, including me!

I'd like to see the kids on the show lose weight but I think all of the credit should go to the two trainers, not annoying Shaq!

First week done!

So how has everyone done for the first week of the weight loss challenge? I did PRETTY good throughout the week, but the weekend wasn't so good. We were busy, busy, busy and ended up eating out a lot, so I didnt get much healthy food unfortunately. I know it's my own fault for not making better choices even when eating out!

As far as working out goes, I was down to just doing it 4 days a week because my oldest son was going to speech therapy one day a week and on that day I just didnt have time to squeeze in workouts around his therapy and my job... I always take the weekends off because I refuse to work out when my husband is home. I dont know why, I just feel self-conscious about it. I like doing it when I'm alone with the kids. However, my sons speech therapist thinks he is good to go and doesnt really need to come back so now i will have that extra day of workout in every week too, now! woohoo!

I did a little bit of shopping yesterday since most stores are having clearance sales right now. I got 2 really cute shirts. I normally dont try on shirts before i buy them, but I did this time because they didn't look big enough, but they fit and they actually look slimming on me! I got one really nice tank top that I like a lot. It's kinda snug but doesnt look too bad as it is, but I'm going to use it as motivation because I want to wear it to the music fest we are going to August 18 and I want to look even better in it by then!

my goals are still the same this week....portion control and eating healthy foods. I normally do good with my work outs and I drink lots and lots of water every day.

I'd love to hear everyone's updates for the week...and if anyone reading this wants to join in our challenge, go ahead! There's no deadline and we can always use the extra encouragement and motivation!

Will I ever see thin??

I often wonder if I will ever see myself as being thin? Even though I have lost a bit of weight, I don't see it when I look in the mirror. I still see that same flat blob. Even when people asking me if I've lost weight, I don't see it. Even when my clothes fit looser, I still can't see it. I've spent almost my entire life hating my body and hating the reflection that I see in the mirror looking back at me every day. Even if I lose 100 lbs will I still see that same bloated face in the mirror? Will I ever see myself as being thin and beautiful? Just like people who suffer from anorexia still see themself as being fat even though they may weigh a mere 80 lbs. Everyone sees just skin and bones but all she sees when she looks in the mirror is a fat girl and that's why she continues to starve herself.

Am I mentally able to see myself lose weight? I honestly don't know. I'm hoping that I can. I'm hoping that one day I will look in the mirror and see myself as being beautiful but after so many years of being told how fat and ugly and worthless I am, I often wonder if my head is just too screwed up!

End of Summer Weight Loss Challenge!

Ok, so it's really only the middle of summer but I decided to run this challenge through the end of August! I know yesterday was the first day of our challenge but I was gone most of the day and had no time to post in here! Every time I post about the challenge I'm going to include the little challenge graphic above. Since this is the first week, I'm just going to ask our participants (the mere 3 of us, lol) what your goals are for the week? My goal for the week is being very careful about my portion control! That's my biggest problem! I also have a few things to keep me motivated and to look forward to. August 18th we are going to a big music festival where I will be seeing a lot of old friends that I havent seen in years!!..Then September 1 is another concert where I will be seeing some old friends perform... and the week after that is our friends' wedding! So lots of things to look forward to and to keep me motivated and thinking about along the way! If you have any special things coming up that help keep you motivated you can also tell us about them in your comment! We can do this!!!

--Ok, the banner is kind of hard to read...but it does say "end of summer weight loss challenge" LOL..sorry about that.

Sooooo frustrated!!!!

So after I had that little talk with myself I kind of got my butt back in gear. Did really good for the rest of the week eating wise and worked out every day. There were many times that my husband and kids were eating junk food and it looked good, but I didn't touch it! I decided to weigh myself this morning to see where I stood and I'm back UP another f'n 3 pounds. I literally cried when I saw that..and then I threw my scale (yes, I do have a bad temper). I can't believe it. I mean even though I haven't been doing the BEST lately I am doing sooo much better than how i used to be. I mean I used to just eat and eat and eat whatever I wanted and never exercised...and even when I'm eating badly now it's not nearly as bad as it used to be and I'm still working out 4-5 days a week. I've been stuck at this stupid same weight since April! I'm just at a loss now. (but not literally, unfortunately). When I first saw the number, I cried and then was about to say "screw it" and just go back to how I used to be instead of stressing about it, but I can't do that. I know I feel a lot better and I know not to just depend on the number on the scales, but damn it's frustrating when the numbers don't go down...at all!!!! ... Another problem is my depression. I weened myself off of my anti-depressant for 2 reasons. One was because it was too much of a hassle to have to go to the doctor every time I needed a refill..and the place I got it from before made me go talk to a psychiatrist on top of the check ups..and I don't think I need a psychiatrist! I'm depressed, I'm not a lunatic. ..and another reason is because I knew I was feeling better due to my weight loss and wanted to see if I could control my depression. It's not going so good. I think that was part of my problem last week and the beginning of this week. My depression is coming back. I'm emotional all the time, my mood swings are crazy. I hate it. It's so difficult for ME to be able to get to the doctor because of the kids. My husband can't take off of work. We have no one to watch the kids except my mother in law and she works 2nd shift. My 3 1/2 year old has to go to Speech Therapy every week. I need new glasses and can't even get to the doctor for that! I really think I need to get back on my anti-depressant but I'm going to try my hardest to control it on my own and not let it control me. Anyway, once I started eating better this week and really putting my all into my workouts I started to feel better about myself and then this morning brought me right back down! I want sooo badly to just go stuff my face, but I'm not going to. For breakfast I had 2 multi-grain waffles with sugar free syrup and a glass of skim milk and ive had 2 bottles of water so far today. Now I have to get ready to take my son to therapy then have lunch, then work. Then after work my husband and I are going out to see one of his friends perform so we are going to be in a rush as soon as I'm off of work and are planning on just picking up fast food on the way there...I'm going to make sure I made a healthy choice though. Im going to really, really challenge myself this weekend to be good..and I'm staying away from the scales for a long time......

OH YEAH..and btw, take my little quiz over there on the side bar!------------>

A little talk with myself...

Ok, I'm really falling behind and feeling like I could have lost a lot more weight by now if I would stay on track more. I have little "cheat" meals here and there and then they end up lasting all day or sometimes all weekend! I can't give up. I have been at this for way too long now to just give up and gain these 27 lbs back and go back to being my fat lazy self. I dont need to pig out all the time. I dont need to stuff my face in order to feel happy! I dont want that but why does my mind crave it? One part of me wants to lose weight and be happy with my body while the other half is thinking about having Taco Bell for dinner! I have to start getting my arse back into gear. I wanted to be at my goal on my next bday but the way things are going it's going to take a lot longer than that if I dont start kicking my own ass! That's why I wanted to start this challenge to get some extra motivation. Two people have joined so far, we need some more members to help and encourage! Just post in a comment if you want to join our challenge, beginning July 15!

I need to stop using excuses. Just because it's the time of the month and Im craving food doesn't give me a reason to pig out and not work out. Just because I had a bad day doesnt give me an excuse to order pizza and pig out. What's the point? A few minutes of happiness from the food turning into self hatred for eating that, not to mention the gas pains and stomach cramps afterwards. Why do I do that to myself? I have such a love/hate relationship with food. I need it, but it's my worse enemy. I love eating it but it makes me miserable. Why can't I get over this hurdle? Maybe because I've struggled with an eating problem since I was about 5 years old? That's 25 years of eating crap! I'm stronger than this. I can over come this. I have so many reasons to do it and no reason NOT to do it! I have to tell myself this and get myself back into it full speed ahead with no looking back. No more excuses, just eating healthier and working out! I am stronger than the food and I don't need to stuff my face anymore!!

Who is up for a weight loss challenge??

I really need some help and motivation before I lose my go-go on this thing, lol. So I'm going to start a challenge, starting July 15! The challenge is to lose 2 lbs a week and work out atleast 3 times a week (5 is top goal!). Every week we will all post our updates (anyone who wants to join can leave a comment with their stats for the week). I don't really have anything to offer the participants apart from motivating each other, however I am willing to give each one of you who joins a little shout out and intro in this here blog! If anyone is interested in joining the challenge just leave a comment here. I will be doing more things with the challenge as it gets closer so keep an eye out!