Bad day today...

Having a bad day today. Christmas got me a bit depressed this year. Ever since I had my kids I've loved Christmas and have always been very excited about it! This year just seemed different. I wasn't as excited as normal. Then the closer it got I started to remember LAST Christmas and how happy I was. Things seemed to be going wonderfully for my husband and I.. almost perfect in my eyes. This year it's just the complete opposite. I enjoyed watching my kids' faces with their gifts but that is about the only thing I enjoyed.

Then today we had an appointment with our Marriage Therapist. I always feel drained after one of our sessions but today was just the worst. I feel like I'm being attacked and blamed for everything.. even by the therapist! I know that my problems are SOME of OUR problems, but not all of them! I'm being told that my depression is part of the problem. Now I'm being told that I'm too controlling and that is part of the problem. I mean, so far, it's all been MY problems and what I am doing wrong and NOTHING about my husband! Like he just sits back like he's soo f'n innocent. Now I'm just feeling like the most horrible person on the planet. I feel like I'm the one being blamed for all of our marriage problems. I've always thought of myself as being ugly on the outside but beautiful on the inside.. now I feel like I'm ugly on the outside AND Inside.. and feel like Im just.. unlovable. Am I really that terrible?? I feel like it. I feel like I just want to crawl under a rock and die right now.

The Prozac HAS been helping though. Before all of this happened I was just feeling calm and content on it. I noticed that I wasn't getting upset as easily over things. I wasn't crying all of the time... I've had no side effects from it at all. I'm very happy about how much it is helping.. but it's things like this.. I guess it is called circumstantial depression that no medication can help. I mean, for what I'm going through right now I don't think that anyone would NOT feel depressed.

Interested in Online Schools??

As some of you may know, over the past summer I enrolled in an online school to obtain my Associate's Degree to be a Veterinary Technician. At the ripe old age of ?? (left out purposely, lol) I decided that it was time for me to take some control over my life and my financial situation. I want to do something important with my life! Going to college was something I had talked about doing for quite awhile. I knew it would be difficult for me to do because it would be hard for me to have a babysitter for the kids and to drive so far so often to go to school. I started researching online schools and it really got me excited!

I'm sure a lot of you are like me and wonder how exactly an online school works? Well, I can tell you how Penn Foster works. First of all, I want to mention the tuition. Tuition for online schools is quite a bit less than a typical brick and mortor school. Penn Foster has monthly payment options that you can choose to do if you can't afford all of it upfront. You just have to have it paid off before they will issue you your degree.

You have one year to finish one semester. So far, the first semester of my course includes Physical Exam., Restraint, Behavior, Computers, Biology, Medical Math and a few others. They send you one subject at a time. You have as much time as you want to read through the books and take the exam. You do the exam online and as long as you pass they will then ship out your next subject!

They have online classes which is basically like a chatroom where the professor types out what he would say in a typical class lecture. They also show slides on the screen to go along with the lecture. You have a chance to ask the professor questions and he/she will answer it!

They have forums where you can discuss things with other students taking the same courses. You can ask about school work or trade class notes... etc. You have to spend a lot of time on the forums and they consider that to be "class participation".

At the end of the semester you will take your Proctor Exams. I've not taken these yet but have heard that they are essay questions, all exams have to be done in the presence of a "proctor" and the exams can take up to 6 hours to complete (in one day!). The Vet. course classes are taken closed book while the non Vet. classes are open book.

After your second and fourth semester you are required to do a "Practicum" which is working in a vet's office being taught certain procedures and practices for so many hours.

I really like the fact that I can do my work when I have time! With 3 young kids and working it's hard to be able to squeeze in quiet time for me to study! I don't have to worry about having a deadline I can just do it when I can. The payments are low and is something I can afford right NOW. I know they will have to be paid off before I can get my degree but I have a long time to plan and save ahead for that!

I think online schools are a great option for someone like me who has a very busy schedule to follow. I'm glad that I took the first step to change my life!

Positive Thinking??

I've been on Prozac for about 3 weeks now. I'm on 20 mgs now. It is kind of hard for me to tell how much of a difference it is making just because I have been sick for the past 2 1/2 weeks! Cold, cough, sore throat, stuffy, runny nose! I am on an antibiotic and was feeling better but now the last few days I've been having a stuffy runny nose again however I'm starting to think it's just sinus problems this time. Still makes me feel like poop though! Grrrrr.. After 2 1/2 weeks I'm tired of feeling like crap every day!

I have not noticed any bad side effects at all. I have noticed that I'm not AS emotional as I normally am. I've actually not cried in quite awhile! Even when watching something sad on TV I'm not fighting back tears like I normally would. I hope that's a good sign then?.. I've also noticed that some of the little things don't bother me as much.. I can kind of just blow them off and forget about them. BUT, that could also be because I feel like crap and don't care???

We had a marriage counseling session yesterday and I actually learned a lot. The therapist is trying to teach me how to think differently to help control my emotions. He explained it like this: if you are out somewhere and someone bumps into you without saying excuse me or apologizing how do you react? Do you get mad and say, "hey asshole what's your problem??".. most people would.. I would, lol! You can stop negative thoughts with positive thoughts.. or by saying to yourself, "they must have had a bad day" or "it's not my fault they are in a bad mood".. and just move on! When dealing with other people it helps to remember that you can not control other people's emotions.. if someone is angry or upset it is not YOUR fault. The hard part is actually changing your way of thinking. After years and years of thinking a certain way it's hard to retrain your brain to think positively! .. But I'm working on it.

Prozac Nation

Soo.. I went to the doctor last week to get on something for my depression. I was a bit surprised when he prescribed me Prozac! I came home and researched it as I didn't know a lot about it. With medications that alter the chemicals in your brain everyone can have a different reaction. I've read both good and bad reviews of Prozac. The bad includes horrible vivid nightmares (almost like night terrors), dizziness, worse anxiety than before, debilitating migraines, insomnia.. etc. However, I also read others say that Prozac has improved their life substantially! I guess it will just be a waiting game to see how my brain reacts to it. I'm trying to stay positive but ofcourse I still remember those bad side effects in the back of my mind! I'm only taking the lowest dosage right now. With these kinds of medications they have to build up the strength slowly. I take 10 mgs for the first week, then 20 the second week. Tomorrow I will start with the 20 mgs. So FAR I've not noticed any bad effects from it, but it's only the beginning! I figured this blog would be a great place for me to talk about my experience with Prozac as it has gotten a bad reputation over the years!.. I have read that Prozac is also used in treating binge eating (which I would love some help with). I've read one person say they lost 40 lbs in like 6 weeks from it.. while I've read someone else say that they gained weight on it!.. It also is used to treat social anxiety which I think I have a mild case of. I always thought that I was just super shy and insecure around people but after reading up on it some of the symptoms sound just like me!

My husband does not understand Depression at all. Even after the therapist told me that I needed to be on something, I told my husband that I needed him to help me through this and to be there for me.. But he has not many any attempt to try to understand it. He says he doesn't know how to help me.. but I told him that he could go online and read up about it to try to help him understand.. or he could just sit down with ME and I could tell him exactly how I feel inside with the depression and how it MAKES me feel. .. But he makes no attempt at all to support me through this. He thinks I should just be able to turn it off and think positively about everything. I guess maybe that's what the Therapist can help us out with. Help HIM to be more understanding. I know that my depression has caused a lot of our problems. I'm not saying ALL of them, but a lot of them..

Speaking of Marriage Counseling.. we were supposed to have another meeting with him today but all 3 kids are sick. My oldest has Bronchitis and an ear infection.. and now the twins are getting it. They couldnt go to school today and we had no one to watch them so we had to reschedule for next week. Guess it's for the better because now I am sick, too! YAY! Throat hurting so badly that it hurts to swallow or talk, stuffed up nose and head.. throbbing head, fever. Ooh yes I feel like POOP!.. All I want to do is sleep but I have to work as it is the last week of the month AND I have to look after 3 sick whiney kids on top of it! Ooh it's so much fun being sick when you have kids!! I miss being able to just sleep all day when I'm sick!

Oh and one more thing.. Im going to update my links soon, so if are interested in trading links just leave me a comment! As long as your blog has something to do with health, mental health, weight loss..well really anything that I talk about here then I would love to trade links with you!!

The Great Depression (NOT the economy!)

So my husband and I started marriage counseling a few days ago. The therapist believes that I need to be back on an Anti-Depressant (which I agree with). I was on one back in 2006 but weened myself off of it after we moved. I've always known that I needed to get back on it but never took the time to take care of MYSELF and get to the doctor!!

I've always struggled with depression problems. Even as a teenager I remember always feeling low.. feeling lonely and isolated, almost.. but thought it was just typical teenage years. As an adult I struggled with it as well but never realized how much it affected me until the last few years. With everything I have gone through over the past through years I also think it has gotten a lot worse! I have my good days and bad days. Some days I feel happy and alright.. then I can wake up the next day feeling very down, alone and hating myself. I can also be very moody. I know it, I can admit it. It's not just PMS.. it's ME! I can be nice one moment and then BAM! ready to bite someone's head off the next. I'm also overly emotional. I cry at the drop of a hat. My mother was that way so I just assumed I got it from her.. but I think it is worse than hers! Sometimes I just can't stop crying either.. I can't calm myself down! I don't want to be that way. It's not something that I can control. It can be hard for some people to understand though. It's not a visible injury or disability, it's inside of my head.. if people can't see it, they sometimes can't understand it! My husband is very insensitive to it. He is not even trying to understand it.. he thinks I should just be happy! That easy!

When my husband and I first split up in 2006 it got worse. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep.. could barely get out of bed to take care of the kids.. I cried all of the time! I finally got myself into therapy to get help. What a JOKE that therapist was!! All she did was sit there and say, "what would you like to talk about today?" .. so I would tell her this and that and she would say, "ok what else would you like to talk about?" She did nothing to HELP me. She got paid $130 an hour just to sit there and listen! I have friends that will listen, I dont need to pay someone to do it! She sent me to a Psychiatrist to get put on an Anti-Depressant (Cymbalta)... HATED the Psychiatrist.. she was soo stuffy, NO personality, she didn't smile, didn't laugh.. i think SHE needed to be on meds, LOL!

Soo.. that is where I am at right now.. waiting to get into the doctor next Wednesday to get me on some meds.. I'm not too proud to accept chemical help. Obviously I can't fix this on my own. I know there are some people who refuse to take meds.. but sometimes there is a chemical imbalance in your brain and you NEED the help! If they find the right meds it can make a world of difference!



If you think you are experiencing problems with depression, go to this website and take the test! DEPRESSION SCREENING TEST