So-So....

Can't say I have been horrible, but I have not been the best..but I have been doing some kick-ass workouts! I've been trying to put all of my stress and frustration into my workouts and I can feel that it is really having an affect on my muscles! I was pleasantly surprised today when I put on a pair of jeans that used to be sort of snug and today I have to keep pulling them up because they feel like they are falling down! Yay! I have not weighed myself. Just because i know if the numbers on the scale don't go down it will affect me and I don't need any more negativity on my mind right now! I'm going through enough stress and crap right now! I truly do believe that exercise helps a lot with depression and my moods. I am in a totally better mood after having a workout session and when I don't work out I just feel..blah..and lazy!! I really wish I had someone to go to a gym with. I don't want to go by myself but it would be soo nice to have equipment I could work with!

Anyway, today is a short post..I'm just not in the writing "zone" I guess! Sometimes I feel like I am just repeating myself all of the time and that I'm not going anywhere with this! Ugh....

Is it a disease???

The last week has been so-so, I guess. I was doing good up until a week ago. Out of nowhere I just felt like i was starving and was craving EVERYTHING bad!!! Then the whole weekend kind of went downhill from there. I even stopped working out for a few days. I was really starting to feel badly about myself and am trying to pull myself back up! It's just so hard with everything going on. I know lots of people say that they have a hard time finding the time to work out..but seriously..I REALLY do. My day is constantly doing something whether it's cleaning, grocery shopping, making meals, getting the kids off to school, working.. We need the money so I try to squeeze in working whenever I possibly can..every minute counts!! I swear to you on a normal day I only have ONE hour a day in the evening to just SIT and relax!! and then I have to try to squeeze in a workout in there, too..it's not easy at all!!..but I'm trying to do as much as I can because i realize that working out really puts me in a better mood and mindset. I just have sooo much stress going on in my life right now. I'm stressing with everything in life. My husband works all the time and I don't know anyone here so I am basically stuck at home with 3 kids 24/7. No matter how much a person loves their kids, everyone NEEDS A BREAK!! I need "me" time but I have no way of getting it! My kids are at that age where they are constantly arguing or whining or crying about SOMETHING..and being around that 24 hours a day would make anyone CRACK!! My husband doesn't seem to really CARE. He COULD get off work early once in awhile so we can go out and do something fun to get out of the house..but he doesn't.. We are still having a lot of problems in our relationship, too. In fact, we have an appointment set up with a marriage counselor but our first appointment isn't for another THREE weeks (on my birthday, too! ugh). The stresses of everything, money, the kids, work..I think it has taken a big toll on our relationship and it is just causing more problems. Sometimes I feel like I just can't handle everything and this is not the life that I want for myself! I feel like a hermit trapped in my own house!..like a caged animal!! My kids are in preschool and only go twice a week for 4 hours..and what do I do while they are there? Work!!...

Anyway, my biggest struggle is eating. I've been doing a lot of thinking and I really think I have Compulsive Overeating Disorder. I did some research online and everything it says is ME. It's like I just get completely out of control and I will eat until my stomach feels like it's going to explode! Even to the point of getting SICK!..While I am getting sick I'm yelling at myself saying that it's all my fault but then the next day I will just do it again!! From what I looked up online it says basically the most proven way to change your behavior is therapy! I was already thinking about getting myself back into counseling. I was in counseling before for my depression and low self esteem..but I didn't feel like the counselor was doing anything! She would just sit there and listen..but then would do NOTHING..as soon as I would finish talking she would say, "what else do you want to talk about?" and that was it! I have enough friends that will listen, I dont need to juggle my schedule around just to have some stranger listen! ..so I quit. I was on an anti-depressant before I moved and I thought it really helped but once we moved over here I thought it would be too difficult to be able to get into counseling or a doctor because we don't have anyone to watch the kids so I weaned myself off of them. Now that my husband is on second shift it makes it a bit easier to go to appointments like that..so I am really thinking about trying it again with someone different and getting back on some medications. I know I have a problem with eating and I have good days when I can control it and other days when I can't. One day I will be all gung ho and ready to go, "i can do this, i can do this!" and them BAM! the very next day I will just have lost it all completely!! I've been fat for most of my life and have overeaten since I was a child and I'm realizing it's not something that I can just change on my own. I need help. I don't want to be miserable for the rest of my life. I'm about to be 31 years old and feel like I have wasted all of my younger years eating and hating myself. I'm ready to change and I am ready to be a HAPPY person! FAT or not!!

A GOOD post for once!!

Well, not completely good, but for the most part, GOOD! The problems in my personal life have not improved at all..if anything they have only gotten WORSE! BUT, I'm not letting that hold me back now! I am working on ME and not letting anyone else bring me down! I've done very good this past week! I've eaten healthy and worked out (except for this weekend as we have been very busy). Actually, I think I can count yesterday as a work out. We had some blizzard like conditions in Ohio. We were going to my mothers house to get a few things from her. She lives out in the country and has a really long driveway (it's a 1/4 of a mile long)..well, the driveway didn't look TOO bad so we decided to try heading down it and as soon as we turned in the driveway we got STUCK!..Thankfully a couple of guys pulled over and helped my husband push us out but I walked almost all the way down the driveway to meet my mother to get the things we were there for. It was BITTER cold and windy so I was walking very fast, as fast as I could to get there and back. It makes it even more difficult when you are trying to walk through piles of snow as well! By the time I got back to the car I felt like I was going to have a heart attack. I couldn't breathe and my chest hurt..but it was a damn good workout, none the less..and I didn't have a heart attack! lol

Also, I am about to order THIS DVD:



I am just in love with Jillian Michaels (well not really IN LOVE) but I just love her soo much! She is so passionate about what she does and so compassionate at the same time! There is something about her that I just really like. If I wont the lottery I would try to bribe her into training me atleast for a few weeks..I would be happy with just a few days, lol!..I'm excited about trying out this DVD..I love cardio and it will be nice to have something new to do!!

I did weigh myself on Friday morning. I HAVE gained some weight back BUT not as much as I expected so that put a smile on my face! I will keep everyone updated and will post here as much as possible!!

Some inspiration!

As I stated in another post, I have been having a lot of things going on in my personal life. They have really been bringing me down and distracting me from what I was doing. After a lot of long hard thinking lastnight I decided that instead of trying to please everyone else and instead of letting other people bring me down I am going to start working on MYSELF again..mentally AND physically!! That means taking care of myself, eating better and getting active again. I have LOTS of fun things coming up this month and next month and I want to feel better about myself by then! I am ready to start over once again..maybe this time it will last!!

And for some MAJOR inspiration! I want everyone to go check this out! This is just truly amazing! This is a slide show for a 21 year old girl that lost A LOT of weight! Her highest weight was 378 and now she looks like a model! It's amazing! You can tell that it is really her in the face and this is also her myspace page so it's easy to see that it's not just some photo shopped crap! I have no idea how she did it, if she did it on her own or had weight loss surgery. I'm assuming she had some kind of surgery to help with the extra skin but I COULD be wrong because she is very young and her skin is able to snap back easier then older people! I saw this and it just made my jaw drop to the floor! If ANYONE needs some inspiration, go look at this!! It can be you and it can be me! One day!..Also, i am thinking about contacting her and possibly doing a little article on her and find out how she lost all of the weight. Who would be interested in reading that??? Leave me a comment and let me know!!