My Embarrassing Interview (and Update)

I've actually had a good week! I didn't eat much over the weekend.. really didn't have an appetite and both days probably had less than 1000 calories (not on purpose.. just wasn't feeling too well). The weather this week has been beautiful. Since Tuesday it has been in the 70s. Tuesday, when the kids got home from school, we took the dog and walked around the local reservoir. The kids were complaining more than I was, "my legs hurt.. my feet are tired".. Really??? You guys are thin and healthy, shut up!!! The walk felt good and when we got home the dog ran to get a drink of water and then pretty much collapsed on the floor (he needs to lose some weight, too). Wednesday, my twins go to a kids club thing at school after school for an hour, but my oldest doesn't go.. so when he got home, he and I walked around the neighborhood. Then yesterday morning, before lunch I took the dog for another walk around the reservoir. I'm loving the weather and these walks! I had a job interview on Wedsnesday. I have these pair of nice dress pants I wear to interviews. I don't wear them often because they are usually uncomfortably tight.. but I put them on and didn't even have to struggle to zip them up.. they are comfortable now! Yeah!!!... I was excited to step on the scale this morning because I knew I did good all week. The results: a one pound loss. *sigh*. Yes, I know any loss is good.. but ONE freaking pound?? It was disappointing, but I'm still not giving up. My clothing is motivating me to keep going. The energy I'm gaining is motivating me to keep going. I even dreamt about becoming thin in my sleep the other night! I've never done that before. I actually have this feeling that it's going to stick this time. I hope nothing comes around to mess it all up for me. I won't let that happen. I already feel so much better about myself.. well.. for the most part....

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So Wednesday, I had a job interview. It was at a hospital working in the ICU. I was SUPER excited to get this interview. I had to go to the HR department first and wait for the ICU dept. head to come and get me. She was a very nice lady. We had to walk around and around and then up to the second floor. But, she decides it's easier to just take the stairs instead of the elevator. Of course, you know, in buildings like that, a floor usually consists of two stair cases instead of just one. At least it was only one floor.. but between being over weight and the chest congestion I still have from being sick a few weeks ago, I was out of breath when we got to the top. She walked me around the nurses area, showing me everything, while I'm trying to catch my breath and NOT act like I'm suffocating! We go into her office where it was nice and quiet and I was trying to stifle my heavy breathing, trying to take quiet deep breaths until my body calmed down. She was looking through paperwork so she wasn't paying much attention to me, but come on, she's an RN, I'm sure she noticed my breathing! I was sooo humiliated and embarrassed and disgusted!! Once I caught my breath, the rest of the interview went well. She did ask me about how my energy level was because it was a super crazy busy job. I tried to play it up like I'm full of energy and always ready to tackle any task given to me, but did she ask me that because I couldn't even walk up the stairs without huffing like a fucking horse? As she walked me out, she jokingly said that going down the stairs was easier than going up. I didn't know if she was just saying that as conversation or if she was meaning because I was so out of breath earlier? Am I just being paranoid? Now, If I don't get the job, I'm going to be convinced it was because of my fatness. ... This is one experience that has just motivated me more to keep going with this. I'm still young and shouldn't have a problem going up and down steps! One stair case would have been alright, but two of them took my breath away, literally.

Please, PLEASE keep your fingers, toes, arms, legs, boobs, whatever you can cross, crossed for me to get this job. It would be a freakin AWESOME job that I think I would just LOVE, plus it pays GOOD.. and we need it badly. I'm going to call and check in with the hiring woman later on today.

Up and Down, Up and Down

So last week I gained 2 lbs, and this week I lost 2 lbs. I'm glad I lost, but I'm at the same weight I was 3 freaking weeks ago! I've been working out every day and watching what I eat, it should be more than that, wtcrap? Ugh. It's starting to get frustrating but I am not ready to give up yet. I know that I wasn't perfect this week, but I wasn't super bad, either.

I was proud of myself earlier today though. My mom and I went out to lunch today. I didn't exactly order healthy. I did have a grilled chicken sandwich covered with onions (and some cheese.. mmmm) and onion rings that I split with my mom. The onion rings had no flavor, so I only ate a couple of them, and I got full half way through my sandwich, so I left it there on my plate. I never do that! Usually I stuff myself until I'm sick because I don't want to waste anything. I ate less than half of what was on my plate, yayyy mee! and I didn't feel like I was missing out.

I have noticed that I am getting further along in the workout video that I have before I feel like I'm going to fall over dead. Even though I don't really like the workout, it feels good that I am getting better at it because it means that my fitness level is getting better and that is super important to me.

Some days I look in the mirror and think my face looks thinner and other days not so much. Maybe I should start taking some pictures of myself like on a monthly basis. I'll think on that one. I don't like photos of myself but no one else would see them except me to compare, at least until I lose a significant amount of weight and want to show it off. I've always wondered though, since I've been overweight my whole life and have always loathed my reflection in the mirror, will I still see myself as being fat if I lost 100 lbs? Would my vision of myself still be distorted? Or would I be able to accept my accomplishments and learn to like what I see in the mirror? I hear stories all the time of people losing a large amount of weight but they still think they are fat just because their mind is so screwed up. I want to like what I see in the mirror and be happy with who I am.

Inspiration

(this pic was posted on the Bob Harper FB page)

Amazing! and she looks hot in those boots!!!

A Blah Kinda Day

Hello, my name is Deanna and I am a food addict. There, I said it! I weighed myself this morning after not weighing for two weeks and gained 2 lbs! WTF?? I know I haven't been perfect, but I have still cut way back on my calories and overeating, plus been working out 5 days a week. I did eat a lot of salty foods yesterday, so I'm probably retaining water. I'm kinda sad about it, but I'm trying to talk myself out of it and not get discouraged. I'm feeling so much better just from losing 30 lbs, I don't want to go back to my old ways and gain that 30 lbs back. I'm still going to keep working out as much as I can. I'm just gonna have to control my eating better. Why is this such a struggle for me? If the food is put in front of me, I will eat it... and I have a family to feed, so I can't just stay away from food! I have to make it! I have to work on portions and stopping myself when I get full instead of making myself eat the entire thing. I don't know what happened that I have it ingrained in my head that I have to eat it all. I don't know if it was a babysitter I had when I was little who always made me eat everything? I don't remember everything so I can't be for sure. I remember bits and pieces of her making me eat. She was an evil old hag, too!

I always feel like I have to eat it all. If we go to a restaurant, I feel like I have to eat it all because it won't be as good warmed up later. If we order pizza and I know there is still some left over in the box, I just keep thinking about it, even when I'm not hungry. What fucked up my head this way? Food should be about nourishment and getting energy, not enjoyment. We shouldn't get a euphoric "high" from eating food, it should just be a part of our daily life like taking a shower and brushing our teeth. Even when my stomach is full, I sometimes still reach for more. I have been better about sticking with only eating what is on my plate and not going back for seconds, but it's still a struggle. Do I need help to get past this addiction? Do I need support from friends and family? I really don't have much support apart from my mom. My husband and I have kind of drifted apart the past few months. I mention once in awhile about me losing weight, but he doesn't say anything, no compliment or anything. If I lived in my hometown, I would have a few friends there to get together with and work through this with but since we moved to a different town, it's a 40 minute drive so it's not like we can get a workout group together or something.

I'm just having a blah kinda day today. Woke up tired and just feel lazy. Yes, I feel LAZY today. Do you ever have lazy days? I just feel blah, and want to just relax a little bit today and not have to stress over getting shit done. I hate days like these and I hope tomorrow is better!

My sarcasm for the day!

Did You Survive Fat Tuesday?

Ugh, the past week hasn't been too great. First I was sick, then my monthly enemy friend showed up. I decided that I'm not going to weigh on shark week (I love calling it that!), for a few reasons. First of all, I don't exercise much during that time because I sometimes get realllly bad cramps, the type that hurt even when I'm just sitting! Plus, my eating gets all out of wack and I get all bloated and crappy. I decided to skip that week of weighing so that if the number goes up or I don't lose, I won't get too discouraged. That's not saying that I have a "freebie" week though. I've still been trying to exercise and control what I eat. Although, I lost control a few times this week. *sigh*

Something strange happened earlier this week. I hadn't exercised in about 4 days because of being sick and having cramps. I was feeling almost lost without working out. I actually WANTED to workout and I got up and did it! and have done it every day since. I think exercising is turning into a habit for me. I feel so much better on the days that I work out in the mornings. It gives me more energy during the day and I just feel better about myself. Yeah! .. I have done the workout video a few times that I won in a giveaway, but I don't like it too much. It's just not exciting. I used to do Turbo Jam and a Biggest Loser video when I lost weight before. I loved Turbo Jam! It was difficult at first but after awhile I was able to do the entire workout and it felt so good!

How many of you would be offended by this? *raises hand*. At first glance, I would be offended by it.. but how many overweight people are too ashamed to admit that it's true? Unless you have some sort of metabolism or thyroid problem or a medical reason that you are overweight, you eat too much! I admit it. I love food! It relaxes me and it's almost like a "high". I'm not one of those people that you see on TV who eats like 5 bowls of cereal every morning along with 10 eggs and 10 slices of bacon. I don't eat like THAT.. but I used to eat until I was stuffed to the gil. I would eat so much that I couldn't breathe. This is the hardest thing for me to overcome. I can add exercise into my life, no problem. Controlling what and how much I eat is a big problem. My brain is programmed to eat everything on my plate, even if I'm stuffed. Even if it means that I feel sick afterwards. How many of you are addicted to food?? Admit it, here and now!

What can we do to overcome this addiction? It's worse than drug addiction or alcohol addiction in my opinion. We have to be around food every day and everywhere we go. We can't just quit eating cold turkey and never look at another piece of pizza again. We HAVE to deal with it. We have to stop our thoughts before we let them take control of our mouths. I think this is when we should remind ourselves of WHAT we are doing this for! Remind ourselves of our health, of our kids, of the fun things we want to do when we are smaller. That stuff is so much more important than pigging out. We have to figure out how to re-train our brain. Any ideas??

So Far, So Good... What's Next??

I had a bunch of things to write about this week, but now I'm feeling like poop and haven't done a thing for the past 3 days. I think I have another sinus infection. My head hurts, my face hurts, I can't stop coughing. UGH! I tried to exercise as much as I could but yesterday I decided I should probably put working out on hold until I get rid of this crap.

I did lose another 2lbs this week! I was hoping for more, but any loss is still a loss, plus I know I missed a few workouts. I was kind of bad last weekend, too. I'm going to attempt to be more in control of what I stuff my face with this weekend. Weekends are always the worst for me because we are always busy. I have a routine during the day.. when I get out of my routine, it screws everything up! I love routine. As of right now, I can't even taste anything so really have no reason to want to eat junk if I can't even taste it. It seems like a waste if you can't taste it, right??

I always seem to do pretty good during the week. Like I said, I get on a routine, and the odd thing is, I really don't feel very hungry. I don't find myself craving things. I think one thing that helps is allowing myself one "cheat" day... mine is Friday. Gives me something to look forward to during the week. I think it's better to have one day a week that you are allowed to cheat (within reason.. and not to the point of making yourself sick!) than to just lose control and eat, eat, and eat until you forget the whole idea of losing weight or getting healthy! You can lose weight without never being able to eat pizza again. It's all about moderation. Eat 1 slice of pizza instead of 3, or get a kids meal instead of the regular jumbo sized portion. Thin people eat pizza and ice cream, too (well, most of them do), they just don't eat the entire container in one night all by themself!

I've also noticed that I don't stuff myself as much... without even thinking about it! When I used to eat, I would eat until my stomach was stretched to its limits and writhe in pain thinking about how stupid I am. Once I began getting healthy, I had to stop and remind myself to put down the fork as soon as my stomach began feeling full. I've noticed lately that I don't even have to think about it, I just stop. I think these are steps in the right direction! I see my next goal coming into my reach!