The Scales Don't Lie

I finally faced the scales today. I lost 3 lbs. I should be happy about it.. and I'm glad that I didn't gain, but that's 3 lbs in a month. That's not enough! I guess I'm going to have to really get serious and eat better on the weekends. I do good throughout the week but the weekends are bad. Everything is out of whack on the weekends. Kids are home and we always seem to have something to do or are on the go and I have a hard time making good food choices especially when it comes to eating out at restaurants. They just have so much good bad food!! I guess I gotta face it though if I want to see the scales go down faster. I bust my ass 5 days a week working out, but the calories on the weekends are going to slow everything down. Fridays are still my "free day" (and it's today, yay!) but the rest of the weekend I have to be good. I was kind of worried that the scale would go UP, just because I haven't really noticed my clothing being looser, so I'm still happy to see a decline in the number.

Food should not be my best friend, but who is? To be completely honest, I don't have anyone except for my mother. My husband is not there for me any more. My friends have just kind of blown me off (I should be used to that). I really have no one to lean on or talk to. It's depressing which only makes my depression worse! My mom and I are very close and she's trying to lose weight, too.. but I need people my own age in my life, too. Plus, my mom lives 40 minutes away so I only see her usually once on the weekends. I don't have anyone in this town to do things with or even go for walks with, apart from the kids. Some days I just feel like my life really sucks. I'm not happy with how thing are in my life right now and I have to figure out how to change things. I don't want to live like this forever but I know it's not going to change unless I do something about it.

OH, I just had to share this. So a friend of mine made a comment on his Facebook page about "nasty fat bitches".. so I left a comment just saying, "WTF".. then he IM'd me and tried explaining what he was meaning. In this amusing conversation, he said, "I'm not meaning the sweet larger girls that I know and I hope you don't think it was meant towards you". I understand he was trying to be nice but damn, "sweet larger girls".. THANKS SO MUCH, buddy!!!!

Mmmm, bacon.

Scales Are Evil.

I'm still staying away from the scales. I haven't been so super bad that I'm afraid to get on it.. I just don't want to get discouraged. I remember when I lost weight before how depressed I would get if I only lost 1 lb in a week or if I gained a pound. I would begin asking myself WHY I was busting my ass working out every day and keeping myself from all of the bad foods. I know muscle weighs more than fat but it can get discouraging when you don't get the results you want. I will weigh in one of these days just to see where I'm standing.. maybe I'll only weigh at the end of each month? I don't know. I'll figure it out though. I know my clothes are looser so that's what I'm going to go by.

I really wish I would have done this shit when I was younger. It's a lot easier to dedicate yourself to things when you don't have kids or so many freaking other responsibilities. I have so many other things to worry about in my life right now but I'm not going to give up on this. I feel soo much better when I'm working out and eating healthier. It's amazing how much of a difference exercise can make in your life. Some days I just don't want to get up and do it but I know that I will feel so much better afterwards. I have a lot more energy throughout the day when I work out in the morning. I don't think I could ever be one of those people who gets up at 5am to go workout though, that's just insanity!!

Just checking in for now. I know I haven't been posting here much but I suppose that's ok because I don't have any readers anyway, so I'm just talking to myself. Ha!!

Depression and Weight Loss

Depression has affected my life for quite a few years now. I recently wrote about my experience with Depression on my Madam Sarcasm blog. After I wrote that, I began thinking about the effects it has on me that I didn't realize it had and also how depression affects my attempts at weight loss.

One question I wonder is: Has depression always been there and was it the cause of my obesity, or am I depressed because I'm fat? OR, would the depression have been there any way whether I was fat or thin? Hmmm, things to ponder.

Most people who are overweight eat because food gives them a "high" and a sense of comfort. Depression can make weight loss harder because of the constant mood swings. I can be "up" one minute, and then "down" the next. I have bad days where I'm just sad and everything makes me cry and I need that one thing to give me some comfort: food. How do I learn to find something else to give me that same comforting feeling that won't add calories to my diet? Is this a demon that I am going to have to fight for the rest of my life?

I was reading another blog about depression a few weeks ago. This woman talked about social problems depression has caused her and that when you are depressed you can't or don't want to deal with emotions. It really made me start thinking.. a lot. I've always been extremely shy. I have gotten better as an adult but it's still there. I feel uncomfortable around people that I don't know and I always feel like people are laughing at my behind my back because I'm fat and that everyone is staring at me. I have a problem starting up conversations with strangers or even keeping up with conversations as sometimes I just can't think of anything else to say. I've always been the quiet, shy one that just stood on the sidelines watching everyone else.

This blogger talked about how we run when we are faced with a lot of emotions. I never thought of this until I read her post. For one thing, when someone cries in front of me, it's almost as if I freeze and don't know what to say or do. I know I should reach over and give them a hug and tell them it's alright but I just freeze up... except when it comes to my kids. When my husband and I argue, I also freeze up. I don't like any type of confrontation. I become tongue tied and I lose my thoughts and don't know what to say, so I usually leave the room. I have a horrible anger problem.. sometimes I am just so mad it feels like my chest is going to explode. I feel like I have rage inside of me that I don't know how to get out and when I'm pissed.. I AM PISSED! I will also say a lot of horrible things that I don't mean in the heat of an angry moment. I never thought of all of these things being a sort of disconnection due to depression. I many times don't know how to deal with my emotions whether they are angry or sad. Is there some connection with my depression and being overweight?

Has anyone else experienced real depression? 

End of March Update and Fat Acceptance

Another 2 lbs down! *phew* I was a little concerned this week because I didn't get as much exercise as I did the week before because the weather turned cold again. I tried making up for it by really pushing myself in the workouts that I did at home. I guess it worked! I'm trying to push myself more. I'm usually the type that stops as soon as it begins hurting or I get out of breath. On Wednesday, the weather was a little warmer so my oldest son and I rode our bikes to the gas station. It was really windy that day. We got half way down our street and almost turned around to come home. I noticed how difficult it was to ride in the wind.. My legs were pushing so hard and I could feel my heart racing and I was out of breath. I wasn't going to say anything though until my son stopped and said his legs hurt, lol. We discussed going back home, but we decided to keep going anyway. There were a couple times that I was super close to saying screw it, let's go back home but I didn't. I kept pushing and pushing, even though by the time we got to the gas station I thought I was going to pass out! I didn't though, and the ride home was much easier with the wind to our back. My legs felt like jello by the time we got back home though. Riding my bike is definitely great for my legs!

I was reading Fitness magazine yesterday. It said in there that if you lose more than 2 lbs a week (apart from the typical big loss at the beginning), then you are eating too little calories.. and that anything more than 2 lbs a week is not healthy (*ahem, Biggest Loser!). Soo, even though I would like to lose more than 2 lbs a week, I will take it. It's much better than losing only 1 lb or even gaining. It's just frustrating when you are my size. Two pounds a week works out to 8 pounds a month. At that pace, it would take about a year to lose 100 lbs. Of course, along the way there are going to be bigger loses once in awhile, there are going to be plateaus, and there are going to be mistakes made along the way causing maybe even a few gains. I know losing weight as quick as they do on the Biggest Loser is not healthy, but it would be a lot more motivating. I'm still good right now, I just hope I can keep the momentum. I don't have much support at all apart from my mom. She's trying to lose, too and is doing great. She gave up pop completely (can you imagine!?) and hasn't had one in almost a month! Other than that, I don't have any support. I have friends that may tell me good job if I mention that I've lost, but I don't have any other weight loss partners or someone to cheer me on and for me to cheer on. I need a weight loss buddy, damn it!! My husband is no support at all. He's happy with me the way I am and is always bringing junk food home. Even when I mention that I've lost 30 lbs, he says nothing. *sigh*. I'll just have to prove that I can get through this on my own!

Fat acceptance. Is it for others to accept fat people? What about fat people accepting that they are fat? Is a fat person every truly happy with themselves? Are they confident? Maybe a few, but most are like me. Disgusted by what they see in the mirror, embarrassed, humiliated, and miserable. Most of us don't want to be fat but it's an unaccepted addiction that anyone who has never had a weight problem can ever understand. It's more than just eating healthy and exercise; the mind can be a powerful thing.

What Would You Do??

Down another 2 lbs this week! Yahoo! and that's with me being bad a few times. I did get my bike out this week and went on a few bike rides with the kids on top of my regular exercise routine. I really love riding my bike but I have to give it a rest for a few days because my butt hurts! We even got one of those bigger more comfortable seats on the bike but it still hurts. Ahh well. The exercise is making me feel sooo good mentally and physically plus my kids love that I'm getting out and doing things with them. It's almost as if I'm becoming addicted to exercising. I hate just sitting around.. I feel like I'm being lazy so I'm always thinking of things to do.. go for a walk, a bike ride, play Just Dance on the wii or what?? Even though the numbers on the scale have been moving slower than I would like them to, my clothes have been looser. My mother in law asked me last weekend if I've lost weight which made me feel good. She's always been super thin, never had a weight problem but a lot of her family does and she is very understanding about it.

One thing I've been doing to help with portion control is to use a small plate instead of the normal big plate. Even though I know it's less food, I don't feel as if I'm starving or wanting more. I feel satisfied with the small plate so that is what I am going to keep on doing.

Did anyone watch, "What Would You Do?" last week? Their skit for last week was at a higher end clothing store, and they had two women walk in together; one was thin, the other was bigger. The saleswoman (an actress) was rude to the bigger girl telling her that, "we don't have anything that will fit you", "we don't sell double digit sizes".. They did this to see how other people would react and if anyone would stick up for the heavier girl. I was surprised at how many women yelled at the sales woman for being so rude. All of the women that were sticking up for the bigger girl were thin but yet they were soo angry at this sales women. A couple of them were even getting emotional about it. It kind of changed the way that I look at others and how I think people are looking at me. When I'm out, especially at a clothing store, I feel like the thinner people in the store are looking at me or laughing because I am in the PLUS section.. but maybe some of them would even stick up for me??

Oh, and I didn't get a call back about the job interview last week.. *cries* . I'm sick about it. I really wanted this job!!!!!! I sincerely hope it wasn't because of my little embarrassing incident that happened but I will really never know. Maybe someone was more qualified or had experience.. I don't know... but it's depressing. I need a job desperately. I need a job for one, because of money. We are just barely scraping by on my husband's pay check so me working would be wonderful. I do work from home, but I don't make much.. not even half as much as I used to.  Plus, I want out of the house. I've been working from home for the past 6 1/2 years. The kids are all in school now and I'm tired of being stuck at home.. I want to get out of the house and talk to people!

Up and Down, Up and Down

So last week I gained 2 lbs, and this week I lost 2 lbs. I'm glad I lost, but I'm at the same weight I was 3 freaking weeks ago! I've been working out every day and watching what I eat, it should be more than that, wtcrap? Ugh. It's starting to get frustrating but I am not ready to give up yet. I know that I wasn't perfect this week, but I wasn't super bad, either.

I was proud of myself earlier today though. My mom and I went out to lunch today. I didn't exactly order healthy. I did have a grilled chicken sandwich covered with onions (and some cheese.. mmmm) and onion rings that I split with my mom. The onion rings had no flavor, so I only ate a couple of them, and I got full half way through my sandwich, so I left it there on my plate. I never do that! Usually I stuff myself until I'm sick because I don't want to waste anything. I ate less than half of what was on my plate, yayyy mee! and I didn't feel like I was missing out.

I have noticed that I am getting further along in the workout video that I have before I feel like I'm going to fall over dead. Even though I don't really like the workout, it feels good that I am getting better at it because it means that my fitness level is getting better and that is super important to me.

Some days I look in the mirror and think my face looks thinner and other days not so much. Maybe I should start taking some pictures of myself like on a monthly basis. I'll think on that one. I don't like photos of myself but no one else would see them except me to compare, at least until I lose a significant amount of weight and want to show it off. I've always wondered though, since I've been overweight my whole life and have always loathed my reflection in the mirror, will I still see myself as being fat if I lost 100 lbs? Would my vision of myself still be distorted? Or would I be able to accept my accomplishments and learn to like what I see in the mirror? I hear stories all the time of people losing a large amount of weight but they still think they are fat just because their mind is so screwed up. I want to like what I see in the mirror and be happy with who I am.

Inspiration

(this pic was posted on the Bob Harper FB page)

Amazing! and she looks hot in those boots!!!

So Far, So Good... What's Next??

I had a bunch of things to write about this week, but now I'm feeling like poop and haven't done a thing for the past 3 days. I think I have another sinus infection. My head hurts, my face hurts, I can't stop coughing. UGH! I tried to exercise as much as I could but yesterday I decided I should probably put working out on hold until I get rid of this crap.

I did lose another 2lbs this week! I was hoping for more, but any loss is still a loss, plus I know I missed a few workouts. I was kind of bad last weekend, too. I'm going to attempt to be more in control of what I stuff my face with this weekend. Weekends are always the worst for me because we are always busy. I have a routine during the day.. when I get out of my routine, it screws everything up! I love routine. As of right now, I can't even taste anything so really have no reason to want to eat junk if I can't even taste it. It seems like a waste if you can't taste it, right??

I always seem to do pretty good during the week. Like I said, I get on a routine, and the odd thing is, I really don't feel very hungry. I don't find myself craving things. I think one thing that helps is allowing myself one "cheat" day... mine is Friday. Gives me something to look forward to during the week. I think it's better to have one day a week that you are allowed to cheat (within reason.. and not to the point of making yourself sick!) than to just lose control and eat, eat, and eat until you forget the whole idea of losing weight or getting healthy! You can lose weight without never being able to eat pizza again. It's all about moderation. Eat 1 slice of pizza instead of 3, or get a kids meal instead of the regular jumbo sized portion. Thin people eat pizza and ice cream, too (well, most of them do), they just don't eat the entire container in one night all by themself!

I've also noticed that I don't stuff myself as much... without even thinking about it! When I used to eat, I would eat until my stomach was stretched to its limits and writhe in pain thinking about how stupid I am. Once I began getting healthy, I had to stop and remind myself to put down the fork as soon as my stomach began feeling full. I've noticed lately that I don't even have to think about it, I just stop. I think these are steps in the right direction! I see my next goal coming into my reach!

My Pants Are Falling Off!

I wore a pair of jeans today that I bought a few months ago. They were comfy.. not to loose, not too tight. Every time I stand up today I have to pull them up. Woohoo for me!! I also weighed myself again this morning. Down 9 lbs since last week. So last week's gain had to be due to water retention. I'm really not good at watching my sodium. I usually don't add much salt to food, but I don't stay away from foods that are already salty. Thankfully, my blood pressure medication helps me to get rid of it.. but I don't plan on being on the medication forever. I'm hoping once I get some more weight off, I can go off of the medication. Oh, but I DID meet my first goal! I got one pound below a certain number (still not willing to share my weight)... so now I'm figuring out what my next goal is go be. I've lost a total of 29 lbs so far!!!!!!!

When I lost weight a few years ago, I bought smaller sized jeans. It was such a great feeling to be able to fit into pants that were 4 sizes smaller.. but the last time I put them on, I had to lie on the bed to get the zipper up.. and they made me sooo uncomfortable I couldn't breathe, not to mention that they pushed my muffin top out further! I put them away and didn't know if I'd be able to wear them again. I'm contemplating getting them out and trying them on again, but I'm scared to. I think I'll wait a few more weeks, lol.

My week went really well, I worked out almost every day and I ate healthily most days. My lunches consisted of celery with a little bit of peanut butter and a piece of cheese. Oddly enough, I didn't feel as if I were being deprived or like I was starving. I went out to lunch with my mom today and could only eat half of it. I think I'm getting there. I'm very determined right now and I hope it stays this way. I've been like this before, super determined to do it right, then something happens along the way and I give up or I just grow tired of worrying about what I'm eating or working out. I should remind myself that worrying about that stuff is a lot better than worrying about my health problems and not seeing my kids grow up!!

I can't wait until others begin noticing my weight loss. My husband hasn't said one word about it, but then he sees me every day so probably doesn't notice it.. plus, I don't even think he bothers to look at me. ... It's always nice when others notice and comment on the weight loss. I'm going to become the incredible shrinking fat lady! Speaking of fat lady, I started writing a book. It's something I've wanted to do for awhile, but never taken the time to start it. I don't know how often I'll get to work on it, so it may take years to finish, but I'm going to do it. It's about my life and growing up as the "fat girl". Hopefully, it will have a happy ending with me shedding some major pounds so that I can put a before and after photo at the end! yeah!

I'm still looking for a cheering squad! If anyone else is trying to lose weight or has lost weight, leave me a comment and let me know. Maybe we could start our own little cheering squad to help one another. Come on, I know some of you are out there! Raise your hands!!!!

Pizza Is The Devil

I thought I did pretty good this week. I worked out every day, even twice yesterday because I played Just Dance with my kids last night, too! I had a few slip ups with eating, but I wasn't super worried about it. I wasn't sure if I was going to weigh in this week or if I was going to wait til next week. I decided to weigh myself at like 3am when I went to the bathroom.. and it said I was 5 lbs more than I was last Friday? What the crap?? Only thing I can think of is that I think I forgot to take my BP medication yesterday and it helps me to get rid of any retained water. This is one reason I wasn't sure about weighing in every week. Yes, it gives me something to look forward to and focus on every week, but on weeks like this when the scale goes in the wrong direction, I don't want to get discouraged and give up. I'm not going to though. I still worked out this morning and I really pushed myself!

My biggest saboteur right now is Pizza. It's my favorite food, has been since I was a kid and my mom said she craved pizza when she was pregnant with me. If there is leftover pizza, I have to eat it, knowing that it's out there in the fridge. This is what I need to work on. I'm not going to deprive myself of foods that I love, I just need to learn to not pig out on it. I can have a little of it along with something healthy. I just have to remind myself of that when pizza is around! It's my weakness, hands down.

I got some real inspiration the other day watching the first episode of My 600lb Life on TLC. This first woman weight over 600 lbs and had the gastric bypass surgery and lost over 500 lbs! She had to have a lot of surgeries though to get rid of all of the excess skin. I'm not going to get surgery, but it still inspired me to see someone sooo HUGE down to less than 200 lbs. Can you imagine how different that would feel? To go from a body that is soo uncomfortable you can barely walk, down to a thin body that can do anything? I always thought that I was just a fat person. My mom is heavy, her mom was heavy. It's in our genes, and in our jeans. I kinda just thought it was impossible to lose so much weight and ever be considered thin. I just never thought it was possible for me because I've been big since I was about 5 or 6 years old. It's all I know. I don't want to be the fat girl any more. Even when I lost 45 lbs a few years ago, I still felt fat because I still WAS over weight. It just seems like it would take sooo long to lose it all. When I first started this blog, it was the beginning of 2007. That's when I lost 45 lbs. Now, when I think back, I think, if I had just stuck with it, I would be thin now.

When I watch the Biggest Loser and weight loss shows, it always seems that the person has had some sort of traumatic experience that made them turn to food. I don't think I have something so traumatic that made me like this. I think I was just raised that way. When I was a kid, my mom and I lived on mac and cheese, hot dogs, fried chicken, mashed potatoes, and fast food. If something good happened to one of us, we would reward ourselves with food. If we had a bad day, let's order pizza. It's that comforting feeling that food brings to me.. and it's almost as if I don't feel satisfied until my stomach is so stuffed that I can't breathe! How do I stop this?

This is Melissa on GMA standing behind the skirt she once wore. Amazing.

After All This Time....

I'm back! It's been a long time since I've posted in this blog. I lost interest in it awhile ago, but now I have decided to resurrect it (as if my.other 3 blogs don't keep me busy enough). I've come a long ways since the very beginning of this blog. It originally started out as strictly a weight loss blog, then I sort of broadened it and began posting about my depression and working on my self esteem. I'm still going to do that. I don't know how often I will be able to post here but I will try my hardest to post when I can.

Where am I now? Well, since I last posted here, my husband and I moved into our own house last year, I also graduated college, but I'm still job hunting :o(   . I did my externship at a Physician's Weight Loss Center, ironically enough. I learned a whole lot there about weight loss and how to eat better. I got to use the program for free while I was there as an extern. When I weighed myself on their scale, I was shocked and embarrassed to see how high I let my weight get again, after I lost 45 lbs. I gained it all back, PLUS some. Disgusting. I lost 14 lbs while I was there. I weighed in every day and my supervisor kept on my ass about what I ate, lol, so I lost while I was there, but of course, after I left, I kinda stopped. At the same time I was working there, I also got put on blood pressure medication by my doctor because it was running too high. I've been trying off and on since then to lose weight, but haven't put a whole lot of effort into it. I was shocked when I got on the scale this morning and saw that I have lost a total of 24 lbs since I was at the weight loss center. Yeaahhh! I still have a long ways to go, but that really gives me a kick in the butt to keep up with it. I'd like to be able to get off of the b.p. medication. I also noticed that the pair of jeans I put on today are loose on me and they used to be the kind that I had to suck in my stomach just to zip up.

As it stands right now, I'm trying not to concentrate so much on losing pounds, but more on improving myself and my health. Some of the main things I'm trying to work on is to CONTROL MY FOOD ADDICTION! I've been making small steps, like if I begin thinking about having a snack, I think to myself, "you don't NEED it". It's mind over matter and I need to control what I put in my mouth and how I think about food. I'm also trying to eat better foods and less junk foods/carbs.. I'm trying to make little steps this time in the hopes that I can stick with it and slowly reach my goal.

I don't expect to be skinny, but not being HUGE would make me happy. I'm still not going to post my weight. Not yet. I'm still embarrassed of the number, but I'm hoping that I will make enough progress that I will be proud to say, "I used to weigh THIS much, but now look!"

I may also post some motivational stories, photos, or quotes because some times these things really do help.

I probably lost all of my readers a long time ago, but I"m back. Leave me a comment if you are around and say hello! I'm always looking for a weight loss partner.. just to check in with each other and keep each other motivated! Leave a comment if you are interested.

Oh and here is a motivational photo that Bob Harper posted on Facebook. I love these pics, it shows me that it really IS possible to lose it without going on a TV show! I don't know who this gal is, but she looks amazing!!!

Fat Old Me.

I've been repeatedly asking myself if I should even bother to keep this blog going, or if I should just throw in the towel. I really have no regular followers on this blog. I've put the majority of my energy into my work at home blog, even my Rants In My Pants blog has more hits than this blog, lol. I don't have much time to network with other blogs, or recruit new followers, but am I ready to give up? This blog has actually been through a lot.

I started this blog in January of 2007. Initially it was going to be my weight loss blog. My Journey To A New Found me-- my struggle with losing weight. It was great at first, I lost 45 lbs on my own. I worked out at home, on my own, watched what I ate, and it worked! I went through a lot of difficult things in my marriage, and ended up gaining it all back, eventually.

Last year, I really began to work on myself. I went on an anti-depressant to help control my depression and anger problems. The meds. have helped immensely. I've really improved myself. I'm happier. I'm more patient. My marriage is going great right now. I'm in college now, improving my life and making new friends. I wrote about a lot of these changes in this blog as well. Since it all has to do with finding the NEW me.

There's just one thing that keeps holding me back. All of this fat!! I'm gaining control of everything else in my life, but why can't I control my weight?

I've started over today. Again. Trying to eat better, and work out a few times a week. My husband is helping out by pushing me with working out. He does a really good job with coaching, he pushes me to do more than what I think I can do. ..

I'm writing this post, asking for help from someone out there. Someone who knows what I'm going through. Someone who can help me through this. A cheering section, maybe? Someone that I can be accountable to? Is there anyone out there? I will even give you my private email if you are out there? I'm calling to you... can you hear me? The days and years are ticking by, and this weight is going to make my life shorter and shorter. I want to be around to watch my kids grow up, and have babies of their own. I'm gonna try, really try to write more in this blog, and my other blogs. This blog will be all about me, and becoming the woman I want to be. Weight loss, motherhood, wife-hood, college, work.. I'm finally growing up at the ripe old age of 32 (and only a few weeks left of this age, too, argh!!). Any takers?

Some new self motivation for losing weight

I've mentioned a few times about wanting to get back into losing weight. I did soooo good when I first started this blog then when my husband and I began having problems again I got out of the routine and gained most of it back! I went to a new doctor the other day and according to THEIR scale I gained it all back PLUS some! In fact, their scale said I've gained 20 lbs just since being at my old doctor a few months ago. My husband had been to this doc a few times and said he thought the scales were off because it was way over what other scales said.. I tend not to believe that I've gained 20 lbs in the last 2-3 months just because my clothing is not any tighter! I've yet to weigh myself at home though.. waiting to do that until tomorrow morning!

My husband and I both got a big eye opener the other day which gave BOTH of us some motivation to get our butts back into gear! A few days ago we spent the day at Lake Erie. First we went to see a lighthouse. Our kids wanted to go up to the top of it. We did, not thinking of HOW we would get up there, lol. Seventy seven steps is what it takes to get up there. 77! At first I thought, ehh, 77 isn't TOO bad. Heh. I got about half way up before I started breathing heavily and my legs felt like they were going to give out underneath of me. I knew I could have stopped to rest but I didn't want to because there were old people in front of us doing better than I was! I'm talking about people in their sixties being in better shape than me! and I'm 3??? I was too embarassed to stop and rest however I realized that I was fine doing it, i didnt pass out or fall over, I still did it! Normally I would have given up but my pride pushed me harder than I would have pushed myself! I did make it though! After the trip to the lighthouse we took the kids to Cedar Point. Cedar Point is a huge amusement park, I think it's one of the biggest in the country, right on Lake Erie. It's only an hour away from us and my husband and I grew up going there just about every summer as a kid. I haven't been there in 14 years though, mostly because it's sooo freakin expensive to go! Plus, I was afraid that I couldn't fit on some of the rides and didn't want to be embarassed in front of people there OR my friends.

We had a lot fun at Cedar Point. It was all for the kids this time though and we spent most of it waiting on them to go on the kiddie rides! Our oldest son was big enough to go on the kiddie coaster so my husband decided to go on it with him. He got on the coaster and the seat belt wouldn't fit! He had to get up with our son in front of everyone and leave, until the woman running the ride had him trade seats with someone else where there was a bigger seat belt to try. Holding up the line and ride, he got into the second seat and the seat belt did fit but just BARELY. The woman running it proceeded to jump up and down and "woohoo" it up, just drawing more attention. I watched from afar with our younger twins, feeling so horrible for my husband, however I do know that he does not get embarassed easily and things that would embarass me don't really embarass him! They DID get to go on the ride but it was a rough start!

That night before going to bed we were talking about what happened and he told me that he was embarassed of it, but yet also pissed off at america.. I mean why do they make seat belts soo short when you can tighten them up?? But anyway, I'm off point now.. he said it was motivating him to want to get in shape and lose some weight. So, we are doing it together. Starting today! Eating healthier and trying to be more active as much as we can. I've done it before so I know I can do it again. We also decided that we are going to do this together so that next year we can go to Cedar Point and ride ALL of the roller coasters without having to worry about being able to fit in the stupid seat! I guess it will be a bit of a fear breaker for me as well as I'm afraid of heights and normally stick to the mild roller coasters. I've always been too scared to try the BIG ones, but if I can lose weight then I want to over come this fear as well AND with my husband! Isn't that good motivation? That's just on TOP of all of the other motivaters I have in my life, especially now that my kids are getting older and more active!

So, that's where I am right now. Back to trying to lose weight. Not trying to DIET, trying to change my habits as this needs to be a life long change! I've gone back on sparkpeople.com (link on my fave websites list over to the right). If anyone is on there feel free to add me as your friend!

Oh and also, I've just enrolled in college! I was taking some online courses for Vet. Technician but I just think hands on classes would be better for me. I start August 31, 3 evenings a week 4 hours each night. Yikes! I'm very nervous about this. Normally I would be worried about going to a class with a bunch of strangers but I'm not even worried about that! I'm worried about TIME and having time to get everything done! As if I'm not busy enough with the kids and working and cleaning.. etc., now add on 12 hours a week of classes PLUS homework!! My oldest son starts school on the 25th so now we will be busier and he will have his own homework to do as well! I already get burned out as it is, I don't know how I'm going to handle all of this but I am going to do my best and hope/pray that my husband helps out more! Soooo, that's where I am! Here are a few pics from the other day at the Lake!

Goodbye Prozac...

Well, I've been off of the Prozac for about a week now. The heart palpitations are still here, just not as often. I've been on the low dose of Effexor for a week. Haven't noticed much difference in my mood yet but it will take time for the Prozac to get out of my system and the Effexor to take hold. I have noticed a few side effects from the Effexor. I've been really super tired lately, however I don't know if it's from the meds or just from my LIFE. I'm feeling burned out.. just too many things to do and not enough hours in the day. Between work, kids, school, housework, meals... etc. I'm just drained every day and I know it's not going to get any easier any time soon. My husband doesn't help me with much of anything anymore.. He used to, but not anymore.

When I was prescribed Effexor I did some research on it. The biggest complaint that I read was weight gain! *crap!* and now I'm starting to understand it! For the past few days I just feel starving all the time.. even if I have just eaten! Now I'm freaking out that I'm going to gain more weight, which I obviously DON'T need! I just feel hungry all the time!! I have to do something before it gets out of control! When I go grocery shopping next I'm going to get some healthy snacks to have for when I get this starving feeling. I also think I'm going to start working out again at home while the kids are in school. I'm hoping that soon I will have the money to join the local gym that a friend of mine goes to. I would have someone to work out with and I really think that working out would give me more energy and would motivate me to eat healthier again. BUT, that is just one more thing to squeeze into my daily schedule!

Things on the marriage front are not much better. I'm about to give up on marriage counseling. At our last session the counselor actually got onto HIM for not making any sort of effort to show me any kind of affection. He said he wanted us both to make some sort of effort before our next session (which was supposed to be yesterday but my husband ended up having to work so we couldn't make it). So far, no effort. I really feel like there is no point going to marriage counseling if he is not going to put any effort into it.

BUT, screw it. I'm not going to worry about it anymore. I'm just going to do my own thing and work on myself.. not let him bring me down ANY more. Still have a lot of things to think about before making any rash decisions. Just see where life takes me..

Oh yeah.. and SCREW SNOW!! Argh.. this winter has been absolutely horrible!!!

Ooh and if anyone is on Twitter follow me! tatteredsoul77

The power of Exercise!

I know I haven't been blogging much due to a few things. I have been sick for the past week and a half, I've started this new job and have been trying to log in and work whenever possible (with 3 toddlers in the house, I dont have much time to do anything!). The past few days have been very stressful. A bunch of things going wrong at once! Cars broke down, my husband's boss is being an ass (my husband found out a few weeks ago that he has an infected cyst on his kidney and needs surgery to have it removed and tested for cancer), our landlord is mad at my mother in law so she is taking it out on us...it's just been one thing after the other, more stress on top of more stress lately.

Anyway, my whole point of this post is to talk about the power of exercise. Like I said above, I've been sick for a week and a half now. A very bad chest cold. It was really bad in the beginning, now it's better but I still have a lot of chest congestion, coughing and wheezing. I stopped exericising when I first got sick and today was the first day I have attempted to exercise since then! I read a long time ago that when you are sick you should not exercise if you are having chest problems. Just going upstairs makes me wheeze and cough, however this past week has been hard for me with not exercising. I've noticed a big difference since I stopped exercising. I've felt depressed, I've had that "fat" feeling (if you are overweight, you know what Im talking about...there are some days when you just feel overly fat, lol). I have felt lazy because of not exercising and feel like I'm gaining my weight back just from the past week and a half of no workouts!

I decided to try something easy today..just walking at a fast pace. I did it for a little bit, maybe 15 minutes until my chest started hurting and I was wheezing again. I know I shouldn't force myself to work out when I'm still sick but I hate not getting that exercise in every day. I was going to attempt some light jogging today but if walking didn't go to well, jogging would probably kill me! Ugh, I hate this! I want to work out again but my body isn't working with me! When I get sick with a chest and head cold it always stays around for awhile, too. I'm going to keep doing the walking every day until my chest is better. I'm afraid that the more I sit around and don't work out the harder it is going to be for me to get back into it once I'm feeling better. Whether the numbers on the scale are going down or not, working out makes a huge impact on me mentally and physically! I feel better physically from working my body every day and I feel better mentally when I work out because it provides me with more energy and makes me a bit proud of myself for doing it every day! Even if the scales go down, I know that my body is going to be a lot healthier if I work out every day!