I'm still staying away from the scales. I haven't been so super bad that I'm afraid to get on it.. I just don't want to get discouraged. I remember when I lost weight before how depressed I would get if I only lost 1 lb in a week or if I gained a pound. I would begin asking myself WHY I was busting my ass working out every day and keeping myself from all of the bad foods. I know muscle weighs more than fat but it can get discouraging when you don't get the results you want. I will weigh in one of these days just to see where I'm standing.. maybe I'll only weigh at the end of each month? I don't know. I'll figure it out though. I know my clothes are looser so that's what I'm going to go by.
I really wish I would have done this shit when I was younger. It's a lot easier to dedicate yourself to things when you don't have kids or so many freaking other responsibilities. I have so many other things to worry about in my life right now but I'm not going to give up on this. I feel soo much better when I'm working out and eating healthier. It's amazing how much of a difference exercise can make in your life. Some days I just don't want to get up and do it but I know that I will feel so much better afterwards. I have a lot more energy throughout the day when I work out in the morning. I don't think I could ever be one of those people who gets up at 5am to go workout though, that's just insanity!!
Just checking in for now. I know I haven't been posting here much but I suppose that's ok because I don't have any readers anyway, so I'm just talking to myself. Ha!!
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Depression and Weight Loss
Depression has affected my life for quite a few years now. I recently wrote about my experience with Depression on my Madam Sarcasm blog. After I wrote that, I began thinking about the effects it has on me that I didn't realize it had and also how depression affects my attempts at weight loss.
One question I wonder is: Has depression always been there and was it the cause of my obesity, or am I depressed because I'm fat? OR, would the depression have been there any way whether I was fat or thin? Hmmm, things to ponder.
Most people who are overweight eat because food gives them a "high" and a sense of comfort. Depression can make weight loss harder because of the constant mood swings. I can be "up" one minute, and then "down" the next. I have bad days where I'm just sad and everything makes me cry and I need that one thing to give me some comfort: food. How do I learn to find something else to give me that same comforting feeling that won't add calories to my diet? Is this a demon that I am going to have to fight for the rest of my life?
I was reading another blog about depression a few weeks ago. This woman talked about social problems depression has caused her and that when you are depressed you can't or don't want to deal with emotions. It really made me start thinking.. a lot. I've always been extremely shy. I have gotten better as an adult but it's still there. I feel uncomfortable around people that I don't know and I always feel like people are laughing at my behind my back because I'm fat and that everyone is staring at me. I have a problem starting up conversations with strangers or even keeping up with conversations as sometimes I just can't think of anything else to say. I've always been the quiet, shy one that just stood on the sidelines watching everyone else.
This blogger talked about how we run when we are faced with a lot of emotions. I never thought of this until I read her post. For one thing, when someone cries in front of me, it's almost as if I freeze and don't know what to say or do. I know I should reach over and give them a hug and tell them it's alright but I just freeze up... except when it comes to my kids. When my husband and I argue, I also freeze up. I don't like any type of confrontation. I become tongue tied and I lose my thoughts and don't know what to say, so I usually leave the room. I have a horrible anger problem.. sometimes I am just so mad it feels like my chest is going to explode. I feel like I have rage inside of me that I don't know how to get out and when I'm pissed.. I AM PISSED! I will also say a lot of horrible things that I don't mean in the heat of an angry moment. I never thought of all of these things being a sort of disconnection due to depression. I many times don't know how to deal with my emotions whether they are angry or sad. Is there some connection with my depression and being overweight?
Has anyone else experienced real depression?
One question I wonder is: Has depression always been there and was it the cause of my obesity, or am I depressed because I'm fat? OR, would the depression have been there any way whether I was fat or thin? Hmmm, things to ponder.
Most people who are overweight eat because food gives them a "high" and a sense of comfort. Depression can make weight loss harder because of the constant mood swings. I can be "up" one minute, and then "down" the next. I have bad days where I'm just sad and everything makes me cry and I need that one thing to give me some comfort: food. How do I learn to find something else to give me that same comforting feeling that won't add calories to my diet? Is this a demon that I am going to have to fight for the rest of my life?
I was reading another blog about depression a few weeks ago. This woman talked about social problems depression has caused her and that when you are depressed you can't or don't want to deal with emotions. It really made me start thinking.. a lot. I've always been extremely shy. I have gotten better as an adult but it's still there. I feel uncomfortable around people that I don't know and I always feel like people are laughing at my behind my back because I'm fat and that everyone is staring at me. I have a problem starting up conversations with strangers or even keeping up with conversations as sometimes I just can't think of anything else to say. I've always been the quiet, shy one that just stood on the sidelines watching everyone else.
This blogger talked about how we run when we are faced with a lot of emotions. I never thought of this until I read her post. For one thing, when someone cries in front of me, it's almost as if I freeze and don't know what to say or do. I know I should reach over and give them a hug and tell them it's alright but I just freeze up... except when it comes to my kids. When my husband and I argue, I also freeze up. I don't like any type of confrontation. I become tongue tied and I lose my thoughts and don't know what to say, so I usually leave the room. I have a horrible anger problem.. sometimes I am just so mad it feels like my chest is going to explode. I feel like I have rage inside of me that I don't know how to get out and when I'm pissed.. I AM PISSED! I will also say a lot of horrible things that I don't mean in the heat of an angry moment. I never thought of all of these things being a sort of disconnection due to depression. I many times don't know how to deal with my emotions whether they are angry or sad. Is there some connection with my depression and being overweight?
Has anyone else experienced real depression?
Monday, April 9, 2012
Bad Week
I didn't weigh in on Friday and then ended up being gone all day long so didn't do my normal Friday post. Last week was... ok. I just wasn't feeling it last week. I think there comes a point where we grow tired of having to worry about calories and vegetables and carbs and exercise... that was me last week. I felt like I was starving every day.. but most of the time, even though I did eat, I tried to make healthy choices. Since I just wasn't feeling it, I decided not to weigh in because I figured if I didn't lose, it would make me feel worse. Then this weekend I was just horrible. I ate.. and ate.. and then ate some more. I ate so much CRAP yesterday from Easter and my stomach has been hurting ever since I woke up this morning. I know it's from all the junk I had yesterday .. and I know that I DESERVE to feel this bad because of all the junk I crammed into my mouth yesterday. Ugh.... but today is a new day and the start of a new week. Even though it's my birthday, I really doubt that anyone will be getting me a cake, so I don't have to worry about that. I'm going to shock my body back into healthy eating, even with all of the junk laying around the house from Easter. My stomach was hurting so badly that I didn't even work out this morning.. but I'll try to make up for it during the week, it's only Monday. I'm not going to let myself give up that easily! The kids go back to school tomorrow and things will get back to normal. I knew I would have bad weeks like this but I won't let them bring me down. I have to do this.. for me and my family.
Friday, March 30, 2012
End of March Update and Fat Acceptance
Another 2 lbs down! *phew* I was a little concerned this week because I didn't get as much exercise as I did the week before because the weather turned cold again. I tried making up for it by really pushing myself in the workouts that I did at home. I guess it worked! I'm trying to push myself more. I'm usually the type that stops as soon as it begins hurting or I get out of breath. On Wednesday, the weather was a little warmer so my oldest son and I rode our bikes to the gas station. It was really windy that day. We got half way down our street and almost turned around to come home. I noticed how difficult it was to ride in the wind.. My legs were pushing so hard and I could feel my heart racing and I was out of breath. I wasn't going to say anything though until my son stopped and said his legs hurt, lol. We discussed going back home, but we decided to keep going anyway. There were a couple times that I was super close to saying screw it, let's go back home but I didn't. I kept pushing and pushing, even though by the time we got to the gas station I thought I was going to pass out! I didn't though, and the ride home was much easier with the wind to our back. My legs felt like jello by the time we got back home though. Riding my bike is definitely great for my legs!
I was reading Fitness magazine yesterday. It said in there that if you lose more than 2 lbs a week (apart from the typical big loss at the beginning), then you are eating too little calories.. and that anything more than 2 lbs a week is not healthy (*ahem, Biggest Loser!). Soo, even though I would like to lose more than 2 lbs a week, I will take it. It's much better than losing only 1 lb or even gaining. It's just frustrating when you are my size. Two pounds a week works out to 8 pounds a month. At that pace, it would take about a year to lose 100 lbs. Of course, along the way there are going to be bigger loses once in awhile, there are going to be plateaus, and there are going to be mistakes made along the way causing maybe even a few gains. I know losing weight as quick as they do on the Biggest Loser is not healthy, but it would be a lot more motivating. I'm still good right now, I just hope I can keep the momentum. I don't have much support at all apart from my mom. She's trying to lose, too and is doing great. She gave up pop completely (can you imagine!?) and hasn't had one in almost a month! Other than that, I don't have any support. I have friends that may tell me good job if I mention that I've lost, but I don't have any other weight loss partners or someone to cheer me on and for me to cheer on. I need a weight loss buddy, damn it!! My husband is no support at all. He's happy with me the way I am and is always bringing junk food home. Even when I mention that I've lost 30 lbs, he says nothing. *sigh*. I'll just have to prove that I can get through this on my own!
Fat acceptance. Is it for others to accept fat people? What about fat people accepting that they are fat? Is a fat person every truly happy with themselves? Are they confident? Maybe a few, but most are like me. Disgusted by what they see in the mirror, embarrassed, humiliated, and miserable. Most of us don't want to be fat but it's an unaccepted addiction that anyone who has never had a weight problem can ever understand. It's more than just eating healthy and exercise; the mind can be a powerful thing.
I was reading Fitness magazine yesterday. It said in there that if you lose more than 2 lbs a week (apart from the typical big loss at the beginning), then you are eating too little calories.. and that anything more than 2 lbs a week is not healthy (*ahem, Biggest Loser!). Soo, even though I would like to lose more than 2 lbs a week, I will take it. It's much better than losing only 1 lb or even gaining. It's just frustrating when you are my size. Two pounds a week works out to 8 pounds a month. At that pace, it would take about a year to lose 100 lbs. Of course, along the way there are going to be bigger loses once in awhile, there are going to be plateaus, and there are going to be mistakes made along the way causing maybe even a few gains. I know losing weight as quick as they do on the Biggest Loser is not healthy, but it would be a lot more motivating. I'm still good right now, I just hope I can keep the momentum. I don't have much support at all apart from my mom. She's trying to lose, too and is doing great. She gave up pop completely (can you imagine!?) and hasn't had one in almost a month! Other than that, I don't have any support. I have friends that may tell me good job if I mention that I've lost, but I don't have any other weight loss partners or someone to cheer me on and for me to cheer on. I need a weight loss buddy, damn it!! My husband is no support at all. He's happy with me the way I am and is always bringing junk food home. Even when I mention that I've lost 30 lbs, he says nothing. *sigh*. I'll just have to prove that I can get through this on my own!
Fat acceptance. Is it for others to accept fat people? What about fat people accepting that they are fat? Is a fat person every truly happy with themselves? Are they confident? Maybe a few, but most are like me. Disgusted by what they see in the mirror, embarrassed, humiliated, and miserable. Most of us don't want to be fat but it's an unaccepted addiction that anyone who has never had a weight problem can ever understand. It's more than just eating healthy and exercise; the mind can be a powerful thing.
Friday, March 23, 2012
What Would You Do??
Down another 2 lbs this week! Yahoo! and that's with me being bad a few times. I did get my bike out this week and went on a few bike rides with the kids on top of my regular exercise routine. I really love riding my bike but I have to give it a rest for a few days because my butt hurts! We even got one of those bigger more comfortable seats on the bike but it still hurts. Ahh well. The exercise is making me feel sooo good mentally and physically plus my kids love that I'm getting out and doing things with them. It's almost as if I'm becoming addicted to exercising. I hate just sitting around.. I feel like I'm being lazy so I'm always thinking of things to do.. go for a walk, a bike ride, play Just Dance on the wii or what?? Even though the numbers on the scale have been moving slower than I would like them to, my clothes have been looser. My mother in law asked me last weekend if I've lost weight which made me feel good. She's always been super thin, never had a weight problem but a lot of her family does and she is very understanding about it.
One thing I've been doing to help with portion control is to use a small plate instead of the normal big plate. Even though I know it's less food, I don't feel as if I'm starving or wanting more. I feel satisfied with the small plate so that is what I am going to keep on doing.
Did anyone watch, "What Would You Do?" last week? Their skit for last week was at a higher end clothing store, and they had two women walk in together; one was thin, the other was bigger. The saleswoman (an actress) was rude to the bigger girl telling her that, "we don't have anything that will fit you", "we don't sell double digit sizes".. They did this to see how other people would react and if anyone would stick up for the heavier girl. I was surprised at how many women yelled at the sales woman for being so rude. All of the women that were sticking up for the bigger girl were thin but yet they were soo angry at this sales women. A couple of them were even getting emotional about it. It kind of changed the way that I look at others and how I think people are looking at me. When I'm out, especially at a clothing store, I feel like the thinner people in the store are looking at me or laughing because I am in the PLUS section.. but maybe some of them would even stick up for me??
Oh, and I didn't get a call back about the job interview last week.. *cries* . I'm sick about it. I really wanted this job!!!!!! I sincerely hope it wasn't because of my little embarrassing incident that happened but I will really never know. Maybe someone was more qualified or had experience.. I don't know... but it's depressing. I need a job desperately. I need a job for one, because of money. We are just barely scraping by on my husband's pay check so me working would be wonderful. I do work from home, but I don't make much.. not even half as much as I used to. Plus, I want out of the house. I've been working from home for the past 6 1/2 years. The kids are all in school now and I'm tired of being stuck at home.. I want to get out of the house and talk to people!
One thing I've been doing to help with portion control is to use a small plate instead of the normal big plate. Even though I know it's less food, I don't feel as if I'm starving or wanting more. I feel satisfied with the small plate so that is what I am going to keep on doing.
Did anyone watch, "What Would You Do?" last week? Their skit for last week was at a higher end clothing store, and they had two women walk in together; one was thin, the other was bigger. The saleswoman (an actress) was rude to the bigger girl telling her that, "we don't have anything that will fit you", "we don't sell double digit sizes".. They did this to see how other people would react and if anyone would stick up for the heavier girl. I was surprised at how many women yelled at the sales woman for being so rude. All of the women that were sticking up for the bigger girl were thin but yet they were soo angry at this sales women. A couple of them were even getting emotional about it. It kind of changed the way that I look at others and how I think people are looking at me. When I'm out, especially at a clothing store, I feel like the thinner people in the store are looking at me or laughing because I am in the PLUS section.. but maybe some of them would even stick up for me??
Oh, and I didn't get a call back about the job interview last week.. *cries* . I'm sick about it. I really wanted this job!!!!!! I sincerely hope it wasn't because of my little embarrassing incident that happened but I will really never know. Maybe someone was more qualified or had experience.. I don't know... but it's depressing. I need a job desperately. I need a job for one, because of money. We are just barely scraping by on my husband's pay check so me working would be wonderful. I do work from home, but I don't make much.. not even half as much as I used to. Plus, I want out of the house. I've been working from home for the past 6 1/2 years. The kids are all in school now and I'm tired of being stuck at home.. I want to get out of the house and talk to people!
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