Winter is approaching!

I thought that by winter time I would need to be buying a whole new winter wardrobe because of all of the weight I had lost. Isn't that a laugh? I dont need any new winter clothes this year. Dont get me wrong, my jeans are looser this year and my clothes are fitting better than they did last year, but I dont need any new ones, damn it! I was just sitting here earlier realizing that I started all of this on January 1st. Here it is November 5 and what do I have to show for it? A lousy ass 25 lbs lost. For 11 months. Isn't that pathetic? Today is a new day though and Im ready to start again. I've gotten a lot of motivation from my new friend that I spoke about earlier. I did finally weigh myself last week and I have only gained back like 3 lbs...and when I weighed I was fully dressed and had already eaten breakfast (i always weigh with no clothes first thing in the morning before I eat or drink anything). How I did it, I dont know? I've been eating horribly for awhile now. I was getting to the point that come bedtime I would be feeling gassy and bloated every night like I used to feel. Hating myself for stuffing my face that day! My depression has been back and my insecurities are causing some problems for me again..I dont need that crap. I dont want to be that way again. I was feeling so good about myself when I was losing weight and I need to get back to that again for my health and sanity and marriage! My husband doesn't care what I weigh but my insecurities and depression are causing problems for us again. I dont want to live that way again. Right now I am in the right state of mind about food. Junk food is just sounding disgusting to me and I dont want that nasty bloated feeling that comes with eating it!

My husband went back to work today (more on that later one) so Im trying to get back into the routine of everything again. For breakfast I had a whole wheat English Muffin toasted with a slice of cheese and water. Sometimes toasted food will give me heartburn and this morning was really bad. I was feeling good when I got up but after I ate i started feeling sick from the heartburn. I worked out for about 25 minutes but had to stop when I felt like I was going to throw up. Something from breakfast didnt settle well with me today and I dont know why. I used to eat that all the time, lol. I did get a decent work out in. I have to get my body used to working out again. It's like starting all over again, but I love how working out makes me feel afterwards! Now I just wish my stomach would straighten up so I can feel better today! I just hope this state of mind stays with me this time. I fell off the wagon for quite awhile and was all of that junk food worth it? NO! What do I have to show for it? An upset stomach and a few extra pounds, that's what! I'm soo angry at myself for wasting all of this time when I could have lost a significant amount of weight by now.

Someone asked me awhile ago if I was going to change the logo for my blog because it has the year 2007 on it. I thought about it and decided that Im not going to change it. This is my journey to the new me. I dont know how long this journey will take but 2007 will always be the year that started it!

Ok, onto other things. My husband had his surgery on the 23rd. The surgeon said his insides were a mess, all of his organs were twisted up and in a big ball right in the middle of his stomach but the doctor says everything is fine now. He hasnt gotten sick one time since his surgery two weeks ago. I didnt work out at all while he was home because like I said before, I dont work out around him, lol. This past week we did go for a couple of walks though once he was feeling up to it. Tonight Im going to sit down with him and have a talk with him about him helping me with my weight loss. Ive written about it a few times in here. He says I dont need to lose weight (wth??) and he is always bringing junk food into the house or trying to talk me into going out to eat. I am not good with temptation. I have a very hard time saying no if it is right in front of me and it will help me a lot if the temptation just isn't there!

Ok, that's my little update for now. I'm hoping to start posting more often again like I used to!!

It's mid October, already!

Where have I been? Well, my internet was out for over a week. To be honest, I really didn't miss it that much, lol. I spent last week getting things done that I never have time to do anymore. It was back on as of Saturday but then yesterday it was out again for 5 hours! Ugh, Time Warner Cable!!!! Now I have to try and catch up on everything including work. I lost a lot of money not being able to work for an entire week, but I needed the little break. I was getting too burned out.

I am still sick. I have been sick for over a month now. My oldest son got it and his lasted for a week and a half when i decided it was time for both of us to go to the doctor. We both have Bronchitis and are on anti-biotics. Needless to say, I haven't been working out much. I started again today just walking and I was still breathing hard, mostly from the Bronchitis and Im sure some of it was from not working out for awhile. I'm ready to start doing cardio again but I know I can't do it until the Bronchitis is gone. My eating has been....hmm.... ok, I guess. I have been trying to eat better things. I dont know. I'm sitting here thinking that it's the middle of October and I had planned on being soo much lighter by now. ..I met a new friend. Actually, she is a friend of my husbands, they grew up together and found each other on myspace. So far, I like her a lot and she seems like someone I could really get along with. She told me lastnight that she has lost 80 lbs since May! MAY! I am happy for her but a little bit jealous, too! I asked her how she did it and she said just watching what she has been eating and she rides her bike every day (i forget how many miles a day). She said for awhile she was losing like 13 lbs a week, but now only (only! lol) 3-4 lbs a week. Im so jealous!

I feel like I'm grasping at straws here. Part of me wants to continue and lose the weight but I feel like I have lost a lot of my ambition. When I first started, you could put a piece of pizza in front of me and I wouldn't eat it. Now, I wouldn't be able to resist it anymore. My husband has been such a bad influence on me, too. My new friend says that when her husband brings junk food home she throws it straight in the trash..I wish I had the will power to do that, lol!..I just don't have the ambition for it anymore. I dont know what happened or where it went. Ive been reading the weight loss message boards trying to get some inspiration but nothing is helping much. I know I have to get myself back to it, but part of me feels like I just dont want to anymore. BUT, I'm so tired of being fat!...My self esteem has been down again. My husband hasn't been showing me much affection or any kind of interest lately which makes me feel like a big fat pile of poop.

This week, I'm going to really try and push myself back into the game. I have to, for my health and my family!

My husband is having surgery a week from today (the 23rd). Found out the cyst on his kidney is nothing to worry about... He has over 80 tumors in his gall bladder (not stones...TUMORS), which is causing his gall bladder to be double in size, which is pushing around the other organs getting them inflamed and all screwed up. He was in a bad car accident as a teenager and has a lot of scar tissue on his stomach so they can't go through the belly button like they would normally do. They are going to have to do an incision in his side and break a rib to get to his gall bladder. The doctors said he will feel so much better after he is healed. He wont be sick all of the time anymore. The only thing is he will have to stay away from pop (soda) and greasy and spicy foods..which in a way, could be a good thing for me, too. If he does eat greasy foods he will be really sick afterwards. I know it's going to be hard for him, it will be hard for both of us, but it will be better for our entire family! We really dont eat much greasy meals at home anymore, mostly fast food on the weekends. The doctor said that for the type of work he does (concrete) he should be a lot thinner than what he is and it's probably because his food hasnt digested properly...so after his surgery he is expected to lose a lot of weight, too. (is it right that I feel jealous that he will lose weight without even trying??). Im sure everything will turn out fine though and Im happy that he is going to feel so much better after everything is over!

Here I Go Again..On My Own...

Yes, I am in an 80's mood today, lol!!!.. Well, last week wasn't so great. I was just really busy and still feeling sick. My oldest baby started school last week *sniffles* and I was trying to work as much as possible. My sons teacher does home visits twice a month so now I'm going to have to squeeze those in every couple of weeks, too!..Anyway, I've been feeling crappy all week, mostly from not working out and I have been eating really badly. I just feel myself getting fatter and fatter and gaining pounds back but I refuse to get back on the scale because it will just depress me more!! However, today is Monday and it's a brand new week and I am feeling inspired again! I was getting tired of how I felt, just fat and yucky and was already planning on starting over today and getting back to it. Then lastnight I talked to a friend of mine. She has been trying to lose weight, too. She started before I did. She is able to actually go to a gym and work out (I'm jealous). Lastnight she told me she has lost 39 lbs now and was telling me about the cute clothes she has been buying. Saturday night she went out with her husband (he is in a band) and she got hit on by a few guys. I want to know that feeling!! It may sound shallow or immature but I have never had much attention from men. It was always my friends that got hit on and hardly ever me. It did happen once in awhile but it was rare and was always someone nasty, LOL!. I told her what an ego booster that must have been and she said she couldn't stop giggling all night! Im loving the clothes she has been wearing, too and I am mad at myself because I could be close to where she is by now. I SHOULD be close by now but I'm not and it's all MY fault. It's my fault for not being more diligent about my eating. I did work out every day before I got sick but would still eat badly most of the time. Well, not most of the time, but I had a lot of "cheats" that I shouldn't have had. I am really feeling motivated again! The other day I put in this 80's mix CD I burned and it made me want to move so I decided to use that for some of my workouts. I am feeling better from my cold..just have a little bit of a cough still left so today I'm getting back to my daily workouts. I already worked out this morning. I just started my monthly "friend" (she is no friend!) and Im realllly crampy and in pain but I still made myself do it! I put that mix CD in and just started dancing around. I threw in some work out moves here and there and I was sweating and feeling it! I'm going to start out like that and then slowly work myself back into the higher intensity workouts that I was doing. I know my body has to get used to it all over again since it has been about 2 weeks since I have really worked out. But I'm ready for it! I'm not dreading it..so hopefully this motivation will stick around again! I'm not going to weigh myself, I'm just going to go by how my clothes feel and keep driving to be able to get into the next lower size! I'm going to try and really watch what I eat again, too. There is some left over pizza in the refrigerator but for lunch I am just going to have one piece and give the rest to the kids and have something else healthy with it!

I'm going to post here whenever I get a chance. I'm still trying to work as much as possible but I miss blogging!

The power of Exercise!

I know I haven't been blogging much due to a few things. I have been sick for the past week and a half, I've started this new job and have been trying to log in and work whenever possible (with 3 toddlers in the house, I dont have much time to do anything!). The past few days have been very stressful. A bunch of things going wrong at once! Cars broke down, my husband's boss is being an ass (my husband found out a few weeks ago that he has an infected cyst on his kidney and needs surgery to have it removed and tested for cancer), our landlord is mad at my mother in law so she is taking it out on us...it's just been one thing after the other, more stress on top of more stress lately.

Anyway, my whole point of this post is to talk about the power of exercise. Like I said above, I've been sick for a week and a half now. A very bad chest cold. It was really bad in the beginning, now it's better but I still have a lot of chest congestion, coughing and wheezing. I stopped exericising when I first got sick and today was the first day I have attempted to exercise since then! I read a long time ago that when you are sick you should not exercise if you are having chest problems. Just going upstairs makes me wheeze and cough, however this past week has been hard for me with not exercising. I've noticed a big difference since I stopped exercising. I've felt depressed, I've had that "fat" feeling (if you are overweight, you know what Im talking about...there are some days when you just feel overly fat, lol). I have felt lazy because of not exercising and feel like I'm gaining my weight back just from the past week and a half of no workouts!

I decided to try something easy today..just walking at a fast pace. I did it for a little bit, maybe 15 minutes until my chest started hurting and I was wheezing again. I know I shouldn't force myself to work out when I'm still sick but I hate not getting that exercise in every day. I was going to attempt some light jogging today but if walking didn't go to well, jogging would probably kill me! Ugh, I hate this! I want to work out again but my body isn't working with me! When I get sick with a chest and head cold it always stays around for awhile, too. I'm going to keep doing the walking every day until my chest is better. I'm afraid that the more I sit around and don't work out the harder it is going to be for me to get back into it once I'm feeling better. Whether the numbers on the scale are going down or not, working out makes a huge impact on me mentally and physically! I feel better physically from working my body every day and I feel better mentally when I work out because it provides me with more energy and makes me a bit proud of myself for doing it every day! Even if the scales go down, I know that my body is going to be a lot healthier if I work out every day!

Challenge is over...

And it sucked! We only have a couple of people who joined it and there wasnt much participation...and I lost my motivation for awhile, too. I don't even have much to report because Im not weighing myself anymore..the scales is the devil!

I'm still going to report once a week here. My weekend was super busy. We went to a concert on Saturday and stood for about 5 hours...my feet and legs were soo sore by the time we left! Then Sunday we went to the zoo and walked around for about 5 hours. My legs were tired but I had fun. A year ago if I had gone to the zoo I would have been complaining about the walking and wanting to sit down to rest a lot. The only time we sat down the entire day was when we were eating lunch, so I was proud of myself..but we were sooo wore out by the time we were finished. My husband and I especially because we had been out the night before! I feel like Im finally catching up on my sleep. My husband had yesterday off of work but I still had to work. That is one thing that sucks about working from home, we don't get holidays!

I did work out again this morning. My legs are feeling it, too, after all of the walking and then I did a lot of running today. But I dont mind, I like that feeling! I'm going to try to force myself to get back on track with my eating this week.

My husband has had stomach problems for a long time. Last year when we separated it got really bad to where he was throwing up blood. He went to a million different doctors and they could never figure anything out. He went to a new doctor a few weeks ago and they think it is his gall bladder. He had an ultrasound after his first appointment and they found a lot of stones, so last week he had to have a CT Scan. He's still waiting to hear back from the doctor on that. I told him that he needs to control his eating. He knows what foods will make him sick. Anything spicy. A lot of milk. Onions. Doritos. He knows that he will be sick but he still eats it anyway. I told him I dont want to hear him complaining about it anymore because he still keeps eating the same things. Then I started thinking that I cant really bitch at him for it when I cant control my eating either! Even though I dont get as sick as he does, I still am hurting myself because I should have lost A LOT more weight by now but I havent because I have so much problem controlling what I eat. Why does food have such control over me? I mean, think about it. We chew it, we swallow it and then poop it out! Why should that give us such satisfaction? Sometimes if I eat too much I feel like crap afterwards and have stomach cramps from it, but I keep doing it to myself! I dont eat as badly as I used to and my clothes are still loose, but I should have lost more by now. I was excited the other day though. When we went to NYC I bought a shirt there. It fit but I would usually stretch it out a bit for it to be really comfortable. So the other day I put it on and I didnt even need to stretch it like normal! It's such a good feeling when I notice things like that, so why do I keep sabotaging it? Sometimes I just feel so burned out and sick of worrying about calories and fat and working out...but I have to remember that the results are going to be worth it! I'm not getting any younger and I want to be able to enjoy myself and like my body before old age makes it all sag and hang everywhere anyway, LOL!